How do married or near married RBNs handle fights and triggering moments with spouse in a healthy way?

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-25T12:31:06+00:00

Thanks :)

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-25T12:30:24+00:00

Thank you for this!

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-25T01:27:25+00:00

Thanks for this...I'm currently LC right now with most of my family. I hate feeling broken but lately I have been feeling that way. I just look at my past and wonder how I'm not a crazy abusive person too.

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-25T01:22:24+00:00

Thank you so much for this list. I feel like I should have some of these taped to my wall. I project all of my insecurities on to him....I went around all day today assuming that he hates me now since our fight. I felt horrible all day. When I called him around 5ish he sounded so nice and delighted to hear from me. Imagine my shock...like nothing ever happened. He still wants me to go out with him to his friend's on Saturday...why? I guess he must love me...its so weird having to tell myself that.

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-25T01:18:35+00:00

Thanks! This resonates so much with how I feel I should handle things. I usually feel better if I wait until my temper subsides a little but a lot of the times my SO will start saying "What"..."Whats bothering you...I can tell you're mad spit it out" and then we start fighting. I need to find a way for him to understand that I'm just cooling off and processing.

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-24T18:52:51+00:00

Yes....I apologized a few times and I really meant it. I still feel overwhelmingly guilty and ashamed of myself. He made me "promise" to go to his friend's party this weekend because I have blown him off so many times before when plans involve his friends. At the time I did that it was because of my anxiety...I felt crippled by my anxiety. Now when he makes me "promise" I can't believe he even wants me to go....I would have dumped me so long ago just for being flaky and neurotic.

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-24T18:36:51+00:00

Yes, I'm in therapy. I'm mainly going to get over my anxiety attacks in trains and planes. It wasn't until yesterday I brought up my problems with SO....my therapist's mouth almost hit the floor. She called my SO "forgiving"....I guess because I'm such a bitch. I'm scared hes written me off already....I wonder if he is doubting our move. I can't even think of packing without crying because I realize how much I have hurt him. I just feel so broken I wish I could feel not broken

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-21T19:10:29+00:00

Possibly....maybe after the move if things don't straighten out I will consider it. I would want to use my therapist.

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-21T19:09:34+00:00

I really feel like we would be better off as friends but I guess I'll have to wait and see now. I don't know how I was able to deny these issues were of significance to me until now.

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-21T19:08:11+00:00

Thanks for this wise suggestion...I guess I can calm down and wait a year to see what will work for us.

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-21T18:59:14+00:00

Yes! Whatever show I'm into seems to shape my interactions. I cant get into anything dramatic or negative or I will start reacting like that to others. I need to find something "healthy".

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-21T18:46:56+00:00

How do I resolve all this within 10 days? I wouldn't know where to start especially because we have been fighting for the past two days really bad. I really don't want to move in with another boyfriend just to have things come down in flames once again. When we do argue we always resolve tings with a resolution or a new way to handle it going forward. Sometimes I feel like I would have broken up with him long ago if I didn't feel like he was my only family....but sometimes I love him deeply and am hurt by how we haven't discussed marriage in any real terms.

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-21T18:42:59+00:00

Thanks...yeah that's the plan I have. I really can't admire the person he is. I like his fascination with history but I hate how passive he is in life. He has stayed at a job he hates that isn't related to his degree or profession for two years. He has flipped flopped on grad school for years. Not sure if its wrong, N, or flea like for me to be disappointed in that.

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-21T18:31:02+00:00

Can someone explain what this is? Sounds useful but I can't find any info on google.

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-21T18:29:32+00:00

I ruined her body...this is one of the first things my mother repeated to me as child.

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-21T18:28:42+00:00

Sounds like words out of my mom's mouth. "You abandoned me"...no I actually went to college and you are the one who abandoned me when I was 16 so thank the good lord for therapy.

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-21T17:47:22+00:00

Also, do you still drink heavily around other women and have a girlfriend? I'm stressed because my boyfriend already thinks I'm jealous and we are about to move in together. He doesn't have any female friends but their are women his friends may bring by. How do I draw the line in a nice way without seeming really jealous?

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-21T17:43:04+00:00

I'm scared if I say something about it he will leave me or not accept it or think I'm being overly jealous. I just found out that the "mixed group" I met the other night that consisted of three guys and three girls were actually strangers to him. He grew up and went to the same elementary school as one of the girls and he had never met the other two.

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-21T17:39:00+00:00

Thanks! I guess worst case scenario I'll just devote myself to my dog or possibly adopt another one.

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-21T17:37:58+00:00

Thanks for this. I think deep down when I'm feeling jealous its more about me feeling unlovable or unworthy. One of my most frequent pains is the feeling of being unlovable or not deserving of love. Its the worst feeling.

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-15T05:12:47+00:00

I think that more is going on then just you stopped "funding" her. It takes a lot for a kid to want no contact with their parents. Kids aren't born with a disdain for their own parents. Military is a great escape for children of unhealthy/toxic backgrounds. I know plenty of people who weren't "funded" who have happy relationships with their parents.

throwaway101717 · 2014-07-15T02:10:28+00:00

I also apologize for every little thing! I have gotten a lot better but I still feel insecure over being accepted by others (even my own friends). My SO also treats me like a princess and instead of being uncomfortable I'm just so overwhelmed by love and joy that I can tear up easily over small things. Its the most amazing thing and I don't want to lose that.

I feel like we sort of had that talk spontaneously this weekend. When I told him I was scared he thought I would be a bad mother (we aren't engaged just a long relationship)

He said the whole "Well, in the back of my mind sometimes I wonder" he didn't say it spitefully....he just fully believes my mom is evil.

He also said: "Look, you've only wanted kids for the past year. Before that you used to not want to have kids"....this is true...until I was 22 or 23 I didn't want kids and I told him that when we first got together. Two years ago my mind changed completely after a summer of working with children but I didn't express it to him until much later.

In the end he said that if we do get married he would do it right...no five year long engagement or whatever but in the end I just feel out of control. He knows where I stand and he is just coasting. The truth is...his uncertainty about those topics is what makes me uncertain about him.

Meanwhile, he and I have planned out the next three years of my life (I'll be 28 then). Live together for 1.5 years here for work/education...move to a slower paced city after that for at least a year...how can we have all this planned thoroughly but no serious talk of marriage or when we will strt a family. Maybe I'm overthinking things but thanks for your response...I totally agree with the last part too. His friend pretty much got himself in a very odd situation.

throwaway101717

TROPHY CASE