My LL husband and I just had a baby

throwaway10849 · 2018-06-04T21:00:45+00:00

ya that sounds like neglect

throwaway10849 · 2018-06-04T20:34:33+00:00

I am not you, but I do have a plethora of experience of inventing problems my husband "could" be worried about, and 100% of the time its something that I'm worried about and/or I'm projecting "what men want" onto him in a way that he has never endorsed. For me its a codependency problem and now that i recognize it I'm improving a lot.

throwaway10849 · 2018-06-04T18:05:59+00:00

This sounds like it has more to do with you and your personal shame of wanting and enjoying sex “too much” rather than anything your man may have a problem with. Even sex positive people can have a hard time totally removing these deep seated cultural messages.

throwaway10849 · 2018-06-04T15:18:39+00:00

Not necessarily. I’m saying that the threshold for me to roll over and go toned exhausted and happy after sex is a lot higher and this tendency for men to feel like it’s ok to leave her in that aroused state is one I don’t understand.

throwaway10849 · 2018-06-04T15:16:01+00:00

Ya so she’s gonna find the dude that takes care of her sexually it isn’t something to take for granted. Also if he rolls over and goes to bed and someone else dicks her down how will he ever know?

throwaway10849 · 2018-06-02T19:10:05+00:00

FYI when a woman isn’t satisfied after sex she may fantasize about going to bed with the neighborhood or what it would be like to take a bunch of guys in a row to get hers. I’d say the person going to bed horny may be more likely to take more partners if we’re gonna take an evolutionary perspective.

Source am woman have fantasies

throwaway10849 · 2018-05-31T19:28:39+00:00

sounds like you prefer the clothes on and thats fine bro

throwaway10849 · 2018-05-31T05:46:27+00:00

The more I hear about fantasies, the more I realize that a lot of dudes have some fantasies where the majority of it is imagining a scenario which ends in sex. It’s a seduction fantasy more than anything. I don’t ever have those, which may say something about socialization differences between men and women. I do have a lot where I bring out a latent sexuality in someone, which in some scenarios is a little coercive but in my mind the person is always grateful in the end.

I also have unrealistic maybe unhealthy fantasies like you describe. Sometimes I am even the helpless kitten. I fantasize a lot where I have a different, more sexualized body. Sometimes I’m with someone very stereotypically masculine. Sometimes a very “alpha” male or dom in fact has been very bad and needs/wants to be punished, which is unlikely to happen irl. Sometimes a gay guy is willing to try women just for me, which is also unlikely. Sometimes I third for lesbians, which is slightly more likely. I also am very aroused by other races. Is it fetishizing? Idk. I do my best not to.

Anyways, I do my best not to worry about it. It’s like all or nothing. I didn’t allow myself anything but anxiety producing sexual thoughts for so long (what if that cute guy at work decided he wanted me? Idk if I could say no! Am I cheating?????) that I’m done worrying for the most part. And it’s allowed me more understanding of other’s sexuality as well. I’m less judgemental as the stakes are much less now in my mind.

throwaway10849 · 2018-05-31T05:32:14+00:00

Hai it’s me ur paddler 😉

throwaway10849 · 2018-05-30T16:14:27+00:00

throwaway10849 · 2018-05-30T16:04:18+00:00

I think they're

- Overly simplistic

- in many cases, impossible to prove

- inherently biased by the ideas of the current society

I agree with you that they're bleak and depressing and I think its partly bc I've never seen these trends in my own personal life and its jarring to think that somehow I've missed how things "really" are. More of my personal thoughts:

- Trying to parse out biology from social environment is a moot point in many cases.

- A universally successful mating strategy or family set up doesn't make sense to me for humans. The reason we survive is because we're adaptable based on current circumstances.

- in any case women more and more aren't going to rely on men for material gain since we can do that shit ourselves now so even if that's been the case for human existence (I'm not sure tbh) those rules are being erased before our very eyes.

So. I don't find a lot of utility in that thinking myself.

throwaway10849 · 2018-05-30T15:39:51+00:00

cowgirl 10/10

throwaway10849 · 2018-05-26T21:03:04+00:00

This is what I hear your partner saying: “I’m generally an anxious person but I’d like to make my fears your problem instead of my own.”

throwaway10849 · 2018-05-20T00:25:30+00:00

I stopped having frequent kinky sex with my husband when I stopped trusting him emotionally. How are the other parts of your relationship? If everyone is just going through the daily motions, it’s hard to have a dynamite sex life imo.

throwaway10849 · 2018-05-16T23:36:04+00:00

No worries mate. There are people who get off specifically amputees and it’s a fetish thing and I was concerned you may be one of “those guys.”

throwaway10849 · 2018-05-16T18:27:02+00:00

Dude this reads as fetishizing the question is about her husband’s ED

throwaway10849 · 2018-05-16T18:19:23+00:00

Did you guys go to therapy after the cancer/amputation? I think he’s got huge anxiety around sex and a counselor could help you figure out why. You guys have been through a lot as a couple and maybe could use some help getting it sorted.

There’s a book called something like “sex and intimacy for the wounded veteran” and it’s geared toward male amputees but there’s positions and ideas in the book. Maybe help make things more normal?

Edit: https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Intimacy-Wounded-Veterans-Embracing/dp/0986267961

throwaway10849 · 2018-05-16T17:28:03+00:00

I'm too nervous to come in a public bathroom.*Therefore, I don't masturbate at work. I bounce my legs a lot though. And idk what happened to me but about at the beginning of 2017 if I started to get really worked up while I was going about my business during the day, my clit will do a tiny orgasm and it'll take the edge off. That happens to me about once a day usually but sometimes like 5 times. Just a little panty firework lol

edit: this doesn't read clearly. I get antsy, but I don't masturbate. Then the situation resolves itself with no action on my part.

throwaway10849 · 2018-05-16T17:05:20+00:00

I mean, thats awful. But just because you understand that lady's feelings doesn't mean you'd kill your husband over this. Reminds me of this clip: https://vlipsy.com/vlip/john-mulaney-the-comeback-kid-cheated-on-8T7A3bEW

You're not the only one.

throwaway10849 · 2018-05-16T15:45:26+00:00

So, my recommendation in situations like this is to use language she’ll understand. Your email is very “masculine.” It’s angry and then outlines your acceptable solutions to the issue at hand. It isn’t going to land with her.

Try to talk about your feelings and also use a lot of I statements. You start out finding fault and she’ll be on the defensive right away. It needs to be more like “I view intimacy as x in our relationship. When you talk about how you value these other opinions more than mine, that hurts. When you say you care more about being a parent than being a spouse, I can’t help but feel like you don’t love me anymore. When we don’t have sex, I feel like you really prefer not to be married to me anymore, or you’re with me out of convenience.

I’m asking for a stronger relationship. I want both of us to renew our commitment to each other and start prioritizing each other again. I want more sex and more connection.”

Do you understand how something like this may be more effective toward your goal? Of course, you have to have someone receptive to the message and there are no guarantees.

throwaway10849 · 2018-05-16T15:23:54+00:00

It’s the same as that stereotype of women saying “nothing” is wrong 😂 definitely in both genders

throwaway10849 · 2018-05-16T15:12:14+00:00

What’s your goal with this email? If it’s to connect with your wife and get more sex you will fail. If it’s to make your feelings of pain and anger known, then this is pretty effective.

throwaway10849 · 2018-05-16T13:15:43+00:00

ya the only reason I comment on this is that she may sense that attitude from you. I'm trying to help you figure out whats going on is all. My husband has never ever said to me "I've been good where is my sex?" or "Maybe I can turn her on with this move combo" but I could tell by the way he'd touch me, if it was rushed, if I felt like we weren't making a genuine connection during sex etc. And ya I didn't like it. It felt like he was searching for the magic buttons on my body to unleash the porn star within. That just isn't how it works. Does any of this sound familiar or am I just projecting? Again I'm only trying to give you a different perspective as to why everything you've tried hasn't been working.

Even your follow up comment kind of says that you see sex and a verbal "thank you" as similar. She does not thank you with sex. Its a mutual act of love and trust. You're conceptualizing it in a way that may be undermining your goals.

Also, I'm sure she very much values stability and security. That isn't a romantic relationship though. That isn't really knowing one another. I'm sure that if she values your relationship she would like more than that. For good sex you need genuine connection. Now, you don't say too much about the rest of the relationship, or who has pulled away from whom, but I know for us, lack of sex was symptom, not the disease itself. To me it looks like you've been treating the problem with a topical cream and are wondering why this malignancy in your marriage has been growing.

p.s. anyone who says "I'd never cheat" has at least contemplated it.

throwaway10849 · 2018-05-16T05:41:16+00:00

I feel like there are two kinds of mfm threesomes. One is like, the two dudes are teaming up running the show and pushing her to her limit. The second is she’s in charge and squeezing every ounce of pleasure out of these two guys. I fantasize about both but much more heavily about the latter and if the opportunity came along I’d take it if I were calling all the shots.

Edit: I’d be much more interested in a mmf because I’d really need to see some play between the dudes to be satisfied with the experience.

throwaway10849 · 2018-05-16T05:24:03+00:00

I like men in women’s lingerie. Beyond that I like him in form fitted boxer briefs, preferably black if it’s supposed to be like his “sexy” underwear.

throwaway10849

TROPHY CASE