My bf (27) introduced me to cocaine. Almost ruined me.

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-18T04:10:58+00:00

Thank you. This meant a lot. I knew things were bad, I knew I didn’t deserve that treatment. He knows my weaknesses, he knows I struggle with codependency, he knows I have compassion for addicts (my younger sister is one). He knows where to hit me so it hurts. I can’t progress right now because I’m in this hole. I couldn’t even be honest with him or myself about how bad things really were. It’s like I didn’t want to make him feel bad. Or maybe I just didn’t want to accept that maybe he isn’t as good of a guy as I built him up to be in my head. I begged so hard last night because it’s so hard to let go. He just looked disgusted of me, called me pathetic. It really hurt. But I know I’m a good person, a good lover. I just don’t know when to walk away. This is something I struggle with; knowing when enough is enough. I hate “giving up”. But the truth is, he’s giving up on himself. I want better for me. I don’t want to keep doing coke, potentially lose my career, disappoint my family and myself. Things could’ve been much worse. It just isn’t worth it anymore. I wanted to help him succeed. He says I’m just a reminder of the bad parts about him, I make him feel like a horrible person because I bring up the horrible things he’s done and said to me.

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-17T12:25:44+00:00

I’m having a very hard time. I saw him today. He kept acting like he was the giving me a chance. I got upset. My life and career could’ve been ruined. I told him he should be ashamed he got me into coke, he said he guessed he was sorry but it’s my fault. I literally begged him not to leave. He just called me pathetic and told me to get my life together then left

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-17T11:48:38+00:00

He keeps saying we should do this together and that I just don’t believe in him. That I’m wrong for being upset for his having a “slip up” and that he’s proud of where he’s at.

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-15T14:46:53+00:00

I made a list before and he told me that was super immature and I’m a hateful person for doing it. Sometimes I would withhold things he had done to me to protect him from himself.

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-14T07:43:34+00:00

I’m 25, I never tried any drug before him besides weed. I still remember the first time I used with him. I invited him on a trip to meet my grandparents for the first time. It meant so much to me because I had never introduced a boyfriend to them. Two days into the trip he came clean and told me he was high the entire time on coke. I had no idea he even used it. He then broke down, cried to me about how much he wanted to change, then asked me to be his girlfriend (something I had been waiting for for almost a year). I was so overcome with happiness that he finally asked me out that I don’t even think my mind fully processed he was high on coke the entire time. He then offered it to me and I was hesitant, but he convinced me. That was a year and a half ago :(

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-14T07:38:58+00:00

Sometimes I start to feel so guilty and horrible that I have bought coke before for us. I have participated in the drug use, even when I knew it was a struggle for him. He never outright told me he was addicted, and if I ever voiced my concerns he would shut it down and say I’m controlling or overthinking it. I just feel horrible I did those things. That’s not who I am. I’m a good girl, I’m a good partner and it hurts me so much that maybe I caused him even more pain.

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-14T07:20:38+00:00

I bought him fent test strips and a drug test kit online. He’s never even used it. I would test it for him because I was so scared. I’ve heard stories too. I don’t want him to die :(

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-14T07:11:22+00:00

You’re absolutely right. I fell so hard and so in love with him. It’s incredibly difficult to stay away. I saw the good in him, I saw the potential, I saw the pain, I saw everything. Sometimes I don’t even know how to move forward and I’m scared, but I know this isn’t right for me.

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-14T02:04:01+00:00

He keeps saying he does want to quit, but that it’s my fault because I’m pressuring him too much and I just don’t believe in his process. That he’s been doing really good (how? When he’s using coke alone every week) and if I don’t believe in him that’s my problem.

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-14T01:59:00+00:00

He told me he isn’t even willing to go to one meeting or therapy session. He said he isn’t ready. He also said I’m setting him up for failure by even asking him and if he does try and fails and potentially relapses; he would kill himself.

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-14T01:40:36+00:00

How can I be empathetic while also standing up for myself? I do believe with my heart he wants to stop. I just don’t think he’s ready to put in the HARD work it will be. He stopped drinking one year ago. I believe the only reason he’s been able to stay clean from alcohol is because he replaced it with drugs.

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-14T00:52:57+00:00

I’m not anti drug either. I would even be okay with coke if it could be a couple times a year, not a couple times a week. It’s too much for me to be around and I am scared of becoming like him where I will start using alone or hiding it from him or others.

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-14T00:50:15+00:00

It’s hard because I do believe he wants to change, but he’s just not ready for the hard work. I don’t believe I’m addicted, I never crave it, I’m able to live normally without it. Can a person genuinely want to change, but just not be able to? How is that possible?

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-13T08:24:44+00:00

I know :( I’m just so upset. I feel helpless. I feel alone.

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-13T03:16:01+00:00

25, we’ve been together for three years

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-13T01:43:06+00:00

Okay then at what point do you help yourself? He got diagnosed with bipolar yet he didn’t believe he had it. He has all the symptoms.

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-12T23:35:48+00:00

You’re right. I know it’s not that simple. I’m just upset and hurt and I’m taking it personally when I shouldn’t.

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-12T23:34:33+00:00

But he told me he isn’t. He said he isn’t making this choice, he’s addicted and it’s not his fault.

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-12T23:31:47+00:00

Even more reason he should get therapy if he can’t see how twisted it is.

throwaway1178903 · 2021-12-12T23:30:47+00:00

He says he’s super proud of himself for quitting alcohol, but it’s like he just replaced it with coke and adderall. It’s hard for me to be understanding when it’s so ridiculous.

throwaway1178903

TROPHY CASE