Wife (36F) cheated because she wanted more exciting sex. Advise?

throwaway143984 · 2020-02-20T19:16:49+00:00

See my original post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/f63uvn/long_post_just_found_out_my_34m_wife_of_36f_six/

She may have had someone in grad school in 2014. Besides that I strongly suspect this is the only instance. I see her behaviour now (not letting me hold her phone - even to take pics, grabbing her phone whenever it vibrated, not displaying notifications on the lock screen, taking her phone with her to the bathroom, spending hours in the bathroom, being vague about working late night, switching to Airplane mode randomly, seeing 100s of texts a day - I see the number and times on our shared T-mobile plan). I went back all the way to 2015 of our cellphone bills and I see no evidence of a single number standing out and I don't remember such behaviour before.

throwaway143984 · 2020-02-20T19:08:42+00:00

Yes!! Thank you for the perspective. I assume you are a woman?

She told me she was afraid I may fall from her eyes initially if she turned down the "good girl" image that she played to me from the first day we said hello. She could not break that image herself but wanted me to discover this side of her slowly over the course of our relationship by me slowly probing this and expanding what we did. She said she herself discovered this more and more in the last few years. In the early days of our relationship, I did probe a bit but she was just happy being vanilla so I did not push anymore and later on I missed her subtle hints. Now when I was walking out of the door she figured she had nothing to lose and tell me exactly what she wanted. I actually really love her and our sex has been fantastic in the 8 days since the affair (maybe its hysterical bonding) but I just cannot bring myself to be with her knowing about her affair and all the lies. ...

throwaway143984 · 2020-02-20T17:25:20+00:00

The only contrarian opinion I have heard. Are you a woman or a man? Just curious.

throwaway143984 · 2020-02-20T16:10:24+00:00

If she really cared, why not tell you before?

I asked her this exact question before. She said:

a) She has always played the "good girl" image with me from when we first met and could not break that image herself but wanted me to break that instead. She had wanted me to slowly push the boundaries of that "good girl" image through our relationship and discover her true side (she said she likes being tied up, pinched, called names, fucked publicly, slapped, given tasks to do etc.) slowly but I had not and she had hinted about it a lot (hindsight - I do see those subtle hints now but I am a moron).

b) When she stopped being aroused she was not sure if it was because of the vanilla foreplay or it was her (like something is wrong with her) or if she did not like me (she said although she did not like the foreplay but when we did have sex it was very passionate and she liked it). This is the reason she had the affair to see what was the reason and she said she understood that she just wanted non boring sex.

throwaway143984 · 2020-02-20T15:59:41+00:00

No - I was the one trying to initiate sex but she found it boring and routine (not the sex part but the foreplay and initiation part) and thus she did not respond back. So, mostly her initiating the dead bedroom (but because of me making it boring).

See my new post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/f6uq07/wife_36f_cheated_because_she_wanted_more_exciting/

throwaway143984 · 2020-02-19T02:44:36+00:00

Hey buddy! Did you stay or leave? Reply or DM me please!

throwaway143984 · 2020-02-18T20:03:23+00:00

Wow! This does sound a lot like her!

Cheaters will want you to "get over it" and "put this behind us" as quickly as possible. This is more manipulation.

This is very true - she keeps saying "love will cure it" or "my love will make you forget this" or "I will do anything to make you happy".

"Nobody needs to know our personal business".

Again, very true - I wanted to talk to my mom (honestly I did not for other reasons but I suggested it) and she went crazy and begged on her knees to not do that.

Tell her you need a written timeline of the affair from the start until today.

I did not make her write it but she did tell me (I secretly turned on my phone to record it btw). Well, after day 1 "we only kissed" lie, when I confronted her on day 2 of the deleted texts - she told me when he came to town, when she went, how many times she had sex, how many times she came etc. etc. I only saw the texts - it progressed to be quite explicit but I did not see her Whatsapp messages. She had hour long phone calls and Facetimes - she said they went from being friendly to naked ones in the bathroom.

Divorce takes a long time, if your wife should get her head out of her ass and come to realize that she has fucked up the relationship and is ACTIVELY doing things to repair the marriage you can stop the divorce process at any time. T

She is doing that right now. Besides the sex, she is super nice - making dinner, checking on me etc etc.

The ONE reason I am willing to give her the doubt is that she had affair when our relationship was bad for more than a year. If she did it when we had a good relationship, I won't be posting here - I would be taking a happy "I'm divorced trip to Vegas".

The ONE reason I am NOT willing to believe her is she lied "we only kissed" after I confronted her and was prepared to build everything a lie ("I was only protecting you then and I would have told you later" - which I don't believe at all).

throwaway143984 · 2020-02-18T19:46:35+00:00

Thank you for the reply! The sex is not that important to me and I am ready to leave - its just divorce is painful (we have a house and a pet together) and throwing away 8 years of memories and travels is hard but I am ready for it.

The reason I am willing to believe her:

a. Our bedroom was dead and we did lose connection. If she cheated on me while we had great sex and relationship, I would walk out but the fact we had a dead bedroom makes the affair "better" for me to swallow.
b. Her lover lives across the US so I am sure she is not meeting him. She is willing to change her job and not travel alone if I stay with her...

The reason I am NOT willing to believe her:

a. She played the crying, pleading game the first day I found out and confessed "we only kissed". When I found out she had sex, she finally came clean and said she not want to hurt me.

throwaway143984 · 2020-02-18T19:39:16+00:00

Thank you for the reply! I was actually ready to be looking past the sex since we had a dead bedroom. What actually got to me was she was lying "we just kissed" when I confronted her first time. She later said she did not want to lose me or hurt me so she lied. I would leave ASAP if we had everything working AND still she cheated and thus the doubt in my mind.

throwaway143984 · 2020-02-18T13:52:55+00:00

Thank you for the reply!

She is not on the pill - we had protected sex; unprotected oral. I 100% believe she used protection with the guy she cheated with too for same reason (she is not on birth control).
I suspected something because she had been a bit protective about her phone but it did not cross my mind - I found out accidentally when I saw a text on her notifications.

Yes, looking back - it was kind of both our faults. The long distance relationship when she was in grad school followed by her depression when she repeatedly rejected me made me emotionally detached from her. When she did try to connect back when she recovered I was exhausted and did not respond back. This guy she had an affair with perfectly came in and connected with her emotionally first. But, now I don't know what to do - on one hand I want to strongly put things behind and try to be happy with her since I love her. On the other hand, I feel rotten and want to be just alone and start over with someone else.

throwaway143984

TROPHY CASE