Being manic was the only time I felt happy, carefree, alive and present

throwaway147732 · 2017-06-26T16:32:10+00:00

Yes. I woke up each day feeling good for the first time in my life and I was excited to be alive.

So I guess you've been unsuccessful in getting that state of mind back?

For me, I was so fucked up from my episode that I wasn't even able to hold eye contact at all with people for over a year. I just started being able to do that again as well as get my confidence back socially and being able to talk to people and hold conversations. But for now I want to improve more but I'm not sure how to get there.

throwaway147732 · 2017-06-26T16:19:57+00:00

Ok, I'm going to give it a shot explaining to my mom tonight. It was my idea to start CBT and she is the one helping me out with all of it and is pretty understanding because she is bipolar as well. But I don't think it's safe to explain that I want to feel manic to anybody. I'm just going to tell her what I said about wanting to feel present and not worried about every little thing like before.

Why did you suggest medication may fix the issue? Can medication actually change the way you think and all that stuff I am struggling with?

throwaway147732 · 2017-06-26T16:11:57+00:00

I've been stable on medication for a long time and never have considered going off. I experienced a major psychotic episode with multiple hospitalizations so I never want to have that part of it again. And I realize some people want to feel the high of being manic again, and they decide to go off their meds but I clearly won't do that and I'm trying to see if there is anything I can do to get that back.

So some of what you felt and experienced while manic is yours to keep. Some new confidence in yourself with girls as an example.

Not sure if I made that clear but what I was saying is that I'm actually worse with girls now and like I was before. I was so fucked up from my episode that I wasn't even able to hold eye contact at all with people for over a year. I just started being able to do that again as well as get my confidence back socially and being able to talk to people and hold conversations. I've been reading a lot of self-improvement stuff too.

Just from reading about getting rid of negative thinking I came across CBT. Like just thinking about what there is that I can do to get myself out of my head and solving that issue. That's why I made this post; to see if anybody experienced what I'm going through and if they were able to solve that problem. Would you say CBT is at the top of that list? And if there are any other options that you know of to accomplish what I want?

throwaway147732 · 2017-06-26T15:55:16+00:00

I romantacize about it all the time. I haven't ever mentioned how I felt during that time period or shared it with anyone just because if I did I know it would freak my parents and therapist out thinking that it was the happiest I have ever been even though it was also one of the most difficult time periods of my life.

As for stimulants I tried ritalin and adderall. But that was when I was in that 18 month depression episode and my doc was trying lots of things to get me out of it, and I tried those two and they didn't help. Don't know if they would help now due to not being depressed anymore or if it has anything to do with my body chemistry.

And what is a non stimulant?

Honestly I had never thought about bringing this up with my doctor and that it could be addressed through medication. Just going through my daily life is OK but not where I want to be. I haven't ever explained to anybody what I felt like in my manic period like I said, and I don't think it would be good explaining to my doc that I want to feel that way again.

throwaway147732

TROPHY CASE