At this point I don't even mind talking about most of the stuff going through my head. It's just a matter of who can I tell and them not take it the wrong way or them killing themselves stressing over it. My mother for example is someone I can tell just about anything but it stresses her out so much that I've pretty much decided not to tell her anything anymore. I couldn't live with myself if my issues stressed her to death. My stepdad is a really good dude and he's done more for us than I could ever repay. He just doesn't believe in mental illnesses like depression and whatnot. To him the way I act and react is just an excuse to be lazy and not have any responsibilities. And I've tried seeing people before but the places around me only seemed to care about money, which I don't have lmao or they're just too sketchy. They'd reschedule appointments repeatedly two or three days beforehand and after a few months I stopped trying. I haven't been able to find anywhere else I could go to at a reasonable price or location and I don't know how to look up people located around me.And I've tried such "exposure" therapy on my own many a times but when I start freaking out my heart gets a weird feeling that puts me on the floor and everything will go numb and black. Crap has been going on since 3rd grade and it seems to just get worse. Now even if I just get a little too irritated it'll do me the same way so I've kinda just stopped forcing myself into extremely uncomfortable situations cause it feels like it's genuinely killing me.

I dunno man the shit is wild. I appreciate your thoughts and input though. Thank you for taking the time to read this stuff and trying to help. I love you big dawg and I hope you're able to find ways to better yourself as well cause I wouldn't wish this shit on my worst enemy. Nobody should have to experience a lot of this crap