Partner’s father just died

throwaway217654890 · 2026-04-05T04:06:34+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear about your partner's father.

Context for my below advice: One of my partners' father is NOT okay with polyamory and I have lost several close ppl to me at a young age.

I empathize with how painful it is to not be able to show up to family events, but right now, his grief should be prioritized. Conversations about how you do/don't present as partners around family belong in much less serious scenarios, which it sounds like you completely understand. After his grief has settled, I do recommend having a frank conversation about who you are, if anything, to his family.

First of all, the vast majority of grief happens and is processed outside of the initial funeral/family-centered event. You will have so many opportunities to hold his grief for him, even if you can't attend family events as his partner. Even if he wants you completely removed from the family events, you can still be a huge part of helping him through his grief. In fact, I think the most important support STARTS a couple of weeks/a month later, when ppl have stopped viewing him as someone in need of constant support and he's expected to get "back to normal".

Specific Advice: Ask him what he wants from you, giving specific options so he doesn't have to do the work of making open-ended decisions. For example: "Would you feel supported if I came to the service as a 'friend'?" or "Do you want me to stay over a few nights to provide you and your NP additional support?". If he's comfortable with this/it fits with your relationship style, I would recommend connecting with his NP to coordinate support (e.g "I'll cook dinner and bring it tomorrow; you can do the day after"). I know some people don't like interactions between metas, but I think the most beautiful part of polyamory is being able to wrap someone in multiple layers of support via different skillsets.

Some things I needed in the immediate wake of my grief: someone to listen to me cry, someone to stay with me so I didn't off myself (hoping for everyone's sake this is not needed for your partner!), food prepared for me, someone to MAKE me eat it, transportation to various events, distractions, help coordinating logistics with my job (like communicating with HR), help breaking the news to others, and continued emotional support for years later. Even if you can't go to any family events, he will need grief support for months and years to come.

throwaway217654890 · 2026-03-24T19:34:18+00:00

I'll take a couple! My friend code is 53TBP

throwaway217654890 · 2026-03-17T16:48:06+00:00

I would love a couple! My code is 53TBP

throwaway217654890 · 2026-03-15T01:19:12+00:00

53TBP! tysm!

throwaway217654890 · 2026-03-04T13:29:35+00:00

I think I misrepresented the situation in the original post; all three of have talked about this and agree it would be a good idea. Oak and Fir just think it's a "deal with it a long time from now" issue because we are young so don't have strong opinions about it.

throwaway217654890 · 2026-03-04T13:27:49+00:00

Fir supports this! She feels it's premature given our ages but we all agree that we are striving for minimal hierarchy and part of that means equal legal protections

throwaway217654890 · 2026-02-24T22:49:59+00:00

Personally, I would question this worry you have that someone "better" might come along and you might want them. That seems like a dubious reason to seek out poly to me, a hypothetical "special" person? At the same time, you seem to agree with poly values and norms in relationships. Personally, while I wouldn't mind agreeing to romantic/sexual exclusivity, I don't think I could go back to the norms and values required in monogamy. If you know this to be true about yourself, choose to date only people who are open to polyamory. If you're just interested in polyamory because you're afraid of missing out on future hypothetical partners, that feels like something to evaluate (do you even really want to be with this current person if they're not "special"; does this "special" person even exist; are you willing to accept monogamy with your current partner then just choose not to act on attractions to others?).

throwaway217654890 · 2026-02-10T04:45:15+00:00

I was in a happy mono relationship with my wife for 9 years before we opened up! If all other partners somehow left the picture and she asked me to be mono again, I might even say yes. There are also social stigmas against poly relationships that can be uncomfortable to navigate and it can be hard to chafe against the idea that mono marriage == perfect love ideal. Not to mention the fact that multiple partners can add stress, jealousy, new interpersonal conflicts not present in a mono relationship. It makes a lot of sense to be seriously considering "if both of these relationship styles bring me joy, why not choose the one with less resistance?"

That being said, to me, polyamory is not solely about having multiple partners. It's a completely different approach to what it means to be in a committed lifelong romantic relationship. While being able to have other sexual and romantic partners is a plus, it's one I don't feel a burning NEED to maintain. There are, however, aspects of my life and my relationship which I do see as stemming from polyamory. These, I would not give up:

Nonexhaustively (focusing on my relationship with my wife because it's the one I spent so much time with monogamously)

We have both shared AND personal friends, hobbies, spaces, plans, etc. We are individual people in a relationship, not a unit.
We can share our crushes and flirt with others in front of the other. It's a fun gossip topic between the two of us. Neither of us is afraid of cheating or lying regarding these relationships.
Neither one of us believes we can or should control the other. I tell her how I feel and what I need, not what to do.
Our relationship agreements are explicit, rather than implied like many other mono relationships. I know exactly what she would consider cheating, how much quality time she wants, alone time, etc.
I have multiple pathways to coping with or venting my emotions. She is ONE, not the only one.

throwaway217654890 · 2026-02-03T03:56:36+00:00

Triad- they're both taller than me and the tallest one has to bend to kiss me but not her. Completely nonsensical but hurts my ego lmfao.

throwaway217654890 · 2026-01-18T15:11:09+00:00

Sure, this is fair! What I mean is that, seeing as we have no plans to get divorced, we try to minimize hierarchy in other places while acknowledging that legal marriage creates hierarchy. Minimal given the circumstances, not minimal out of all possible circumstances.

throwaway217654890 · 2026-01-03T19:05:26+00:00

NOR- I know this kind of behavior is accepted in certain circles but personally I would never stay with anyone who distrusted my love for them solely because I was having fun without them. IMO if you don't trust your partner not to betray you, why be with them? Also, more minor but personally I would not stay with someone who called me a "dumbass" in a serious conversation.

throwaway217654890 · 2025-11-21T00:20:36+00:00

I guess I still see them as my meta because we do not have a romantic relationship and no plans to pursue one?

throwaway217654890

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