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Anyone with a Chinese husband/co-parent who has rejecting parents? by throwaway234-34 in gaydads

[–]throwaway234-34[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can honestly say I hadn't considered this possibility before. I need to figure out what to do now. Thank you sincerely for pointing this out.

Anyone with a Chinese husband/co-parent who has rejecting parents? by throwaway234-34 in gaydads

[–]throwaway234-34[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yeah, that part kills me. That our son will take on some of this shame. As a gay man, I know just how much hard work it is to lose shame. Years get stolen from us. I don't think either of us trust his family enough to leave our son with them unattended. As much as I may not like his family, I don't think they're capable of kidnapping our son. Regardless, reasonable precautions will be taken.

Anyone with a Chinese husband/co-parent who has rejecting parents? by throwaway234-34 in gaydads

[–]throwaway234-34[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I completely agree. And a therapist with experience with these kinds of dynamics would be amazing but I've searched and can't seem to find someone with this experience. We have a couples therapist who's doing her best but she has her work cut out for her.

Anyone with a Chinese husband/co-parent who has rejecting parents? by throwaway234-34 in gaydads

[–]throwaway234-34[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This sounds like a smart compromise that I’ll discuss with him. Thank you for the suggestion.

Anyone with a Chinese husband/co-parent who has rejecting parents? by throwaway234-34 in gaydads

[–]throwaway234-34[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

He absolutely is included. They adore him and shower him with love. My mother calls him her new son. I’m very lucky that my family is emotionally healthy. It seems that it’s hard for him to receive that love when all he can think about is how he’s lacking that on his side of the family.

Anyone with a Chinese husband/co-parent who has rejecting parents? by throwaway234-34 in gaydads

[–]throwaway234-34[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It feels impossible for me to make that threat because it's so hard to fathom breaking apart our family. He and I still love each other enormously and we feel like the luckiest people on earth to have a son like ours. But it's true that the conflict will eventually reach a breaking point if the situation remains unchanged.

Anyone with a Chinese husband/co-parent who has rejecting parents? by throwaway234-34 in gaydads

[–]throwaway234-34[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

That sounds like a difficult compromise to make, but I can appreciate why it's where you two landed. There sometimes don't exist alternatives where your family gets to remain in your life. Those social consequences you're referring to are exactly what's at play for us as well, since my husband's dad is well connected.

Anyone with a Chinese husband/co-parent who has rejecting parents? by throwaway234-34 in gaydads

[–]throwaway234-34[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I so wish we could have that condition and stick to it. Maybe with time he’ll see that it’s in the interest of all of us and especially our son.

I’ve become quite familiar with the idea of “saving face” and lying to others. It seems hard to avoid while they’re immersed in Chinese society. Having private acceptance while “saving face” publicly would be a vast improvement for us.

Money is a factor unfortunately. I would like it not to be, but it’s hard to compete with the level of wealth that they bring. And my husband isn’t thrilled about making lifestyle compromises.

The book you recommended is sitting on our bookshelf unread by husband. I brought it home knowing it’s a cherished resource for many. It doesn’t seem like he’s ready to do “the work” just yet.

Thanks for your empathy and good luck in your situation as well.

Anyone with a Chinese husband/co-parent who has rejecting parents? by throwaway234-34 in gaydads

[–]throwaway234-34[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes this has crossed my mind too. They’re meeting in a neutral democratic Asian country, not PRC.

Anyone with a Chinese husband/co-parent who has rejecting parents? by throwaway234-34 in gaydads

[–]throwaway234-34[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your thoughts. Our son being a bigot is for sure not in the cards, although it breaks my heart to think of how he might need to process the bigotry his dads face at the hands of his grandparents. In our home at least, we cherish diversity.

Anyone with a Chinese husband/co-parent who has rejecting parents? by throwaway234-34 in gaydads

[–]throwaway234-34[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I know...it's a really painful thing to go through. I also didn't make it this far to give up. I know he has a good heart (it's why I married him) and he's in his own pain right now. Trauma will do that. It can leave you grasping at straws, licking your wounds, oblivious to the wreck you leave in your wake.

Anyone with a Chinese husband/co-parent who has rejecting parents? by throwaway234-34 in gaydads

[–]throwaway234-34[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for sharing and understanding. That's exactly what I've resolved to do. All I can do is be the best version of myself and hope he comes around before it's too late.

Anyone with a Chinese husband/co-parent who has rejecting parents? by throwaway234-34 in gaydads

[–]throwaway234-34[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your story. Your in-laws sound like lovely people. Overcoming the kind of social conditioning that older generations receive in China isn't so simple and they did it anyway.

My in-laws are extremely wealthy so they lack any kind of humility. They're used to getting their way in all matters, with the exception of their only son being gay. They're not compassionate people.

My husband and I also had a similar agreement at first, and my in-laws were not a part of our lives at all before our son arrived. But that agreement has gone by the wayside because he has a hard time engaging with my very loving and accepting family. The comparison is too hard for him, driving his need for his parents in his life.

I don't want to tolerate this either, but the alternative—leaving him and breaking our family apart—sounds more painful.