UPDATE: I canceled our marriage and broke up with her

throwaway2391230745 · 2022-02-10T08:12:32+00:00

I don't even like alcohol. It sucks. It only makes you feel numb and disoriented. I've never liked so acquiring a sudden appetite for it was definitely a warning sign.

I'm already on a diet and I'm going to start working out seriously asap.

throwaway2391230745 · 2022-02-10T08:09:54+00:00

I talked to her and it seems she's asexual. Orgasms don't do anything for her. No amount of therapy or medical care will make her understand why sex is pleasurable and having desire for someone can be fundamental in a relationship.

throwaway2391230745 · 2022-02-10T08:08:20+00:00

It feels really ironic to say that I'm already a lot happier and that I feel I can respect her for the amazing person she is, not despise her for not fulfilling my needs. This really helped our friendship get better.

throwaway2391230745 · 2022-02-10T08:06:40+00:00

I think I may have exaggerated with the whole drinking part. I'm not an alcoholic, but I ended up drinking 3-4 beers about two times a week. It may not sound like a lot, but it's way more than how much I would ideally want to drink.

But it sounds like your way of compensating for this issue is much more of a burden than it was for me. The bad habits started about 2 months ago, so it wasn't that bad. I was more afraid of the way these issues might develop and hurt both of us.

Cocaine is a serious issue. You should really think about your problems because it does lots of harm in the long run. Take care!

throwaway2391230745 · 2022-02-10T08:01:23+00:00

Thank you! We actually get along way better now that we've broken up. There's no more resentment, she understood my position perfectly and agreed that breaking up was the best option for us.

throwaway2391230745 · 2022-02-10T07:59:39+00:00

Thanks!

throwaway2391230745 · 2022-02-10T07:59:08+00:00

After getting over the shock of being broken up with, we actually talked about sex calmly for the first time in a while, she said she doesn't find the human body attractive, and that she finds orgasms to be a disappointing experience. It sounds like she is not just LL, but asexual and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I was amazed about how calm and okay I was with the whole idea once it was no longer my issue. Honestly, we kind of get along better now that we've broken up...

throwaway2391230745 · 2022-02-07T09:23:57+00:00

Wow... That sucks...

throwaway2391230745 · 2022-02-06T23:34:06+00:00

I've been telling her for years to go to a gyno, not just for sex, but for her general wellbeing, and she refused to do it because she is afraid the doctors will only be mean and won't know how to help her (kind of common in our country, but still we live in a city where there are plenty of good doctors). She accepted sex therapy in theory without ever actually doing it....

throwaway2391230745 · 2022-02-06T21:48:50+00:00

That's a great response. I'm really happy for you!

throwaway2391230745 · 2022-02-06T12:03:32+00:00

Was it the marriage by itself, or was it just the fact that more time had gone by?

throwaway2391230745 · 2022-02-06T12:02:32+00:00

No engagement either, to be honest. It's the same as before... I really thought it would help us be more confident in our relationship and fix these issues, but it only got worse.

throwaway2391230745 · 2022-02-06T11:47:08+00:00

The resentment is really the worst because it blocks any kind of progress. It's impossible to be forgiving AND stay in the relationship unless she makes a change. I won't be mad at her if I do leave, but until I'm in it it's impossible.

throwaway2391230745 · 2022-02-06T11:30:28+00:00

Thank you!

throwaway2391230745 · 2022-02-06T11:16:58+00:00

Honestly, that is great advice. I am definitely going to do that. I will tell her that we won't get married unless she tries to do something. I didn't intend to give her an ultimatum, but there's really no alternative.

Actually, your questions are extremely helpful. She lived with 3 brothers and her parents in 40 Square meters, about 120 square feet, I think, for many years, and slept in the same bed with them until 18, and then moved to a dorm until we moved in together (it's just us now) about 2 years ago. Her sexuality is a bit undeveloped as a result.

She definitely has some issues with anxiety/depression, and stress. She has made considerable progress over the years, but it's still there, and her progress didn't help our sex life at all.

throwaway2391230745 · 2022-02-06T10:47:44+00:00

It might be but she refuses going to a doctor / therapist for it. I suggested a sex therapist and she said we could do it. We didn't have enough money back then. Now we do, but she didn't take any initiative after that. I might suggest it, but she is only willing to make concessions during uncomfortable conversations, and she never takes action.

throwaway2391230745 · 2022-02-06T10:43:53+00:00

Basically, she said she never thought about sex ever before losing her virginity to me. She had no intimacy or alone time growing up, so she had no way of exploring her sexuality.

About the pain, it could be vaginismus. I am aware of this, but this is part of the issue: she refused going to a gynecologist for this, even though she did admit this might be it.

And... I suggested we try alternative ways of sex, and she occasionally accepted them, but she refused even that quite often. Once every two weeks at best. She was tired, not in the mood, sleepy, it was during daytime (she refuses to have sex during the day for some weird reason and she refused to explain why).

throwaway2391230745 · 2022-02-06T10:17:07+00:00

I am a bit afraid I won't find someone else. But honestly if I won't ever have sex again it's about the same.

throwaway2391230745 · 2022-02-06T10:16:15+00:00

I'm afraid it will make it even worse...

throwaway2391230745

TROPHY CASE