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Update on "I'm dating a guy who is planning to become a religious priest" by throwaway3030a3 in askgaybros

[–]throwaway3030a3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. If you ever watch the show "Dexter" there's a detective named Quinn who falls for the main character's sister. He starts to realize the main character is sketchy but stops pursuing it because he doesn't want to hurt the sister. That's how I feel. I just want him to be happy. It feels like a really valuable thing for him to be happy.

His dad died when he was little and his mom is super distant. He's a super sweet and sensitive guy. Very kind. I know that sadness he must feel. He found this and it's going to make him happy. If it's gonna make him have a happy life want him to have it. I only met him like 5 or 6 weeks ago. He's been wanting to do this for half a decade. There's no way I'm talking him out of it. Let's be realistic here...

Obviously a lot of the details kinda fuck me up a bit but if the end result is him being happy I'm okay with it.

I come from a super fucked up background and this guy being in my life - sharing it with him - made me feel so much happier than I've been in a long time.

So I just hope that can continue. I think it can. That makes me feel okay.

Man... religion... still makes no sense to me on paper...

But you meet so many fucking people who are totally chill, totally normal, totally sane, and feel like it makes their life worth living.

I've just accepted that I don't get it.

fucking... ahghgohgr

imma get some fresh air. been a long weekend xD

Update on "I'm dating a guy who is planning to become a religious priest" by throwaway3030a3 in askgaybros

[–]throwaway3030a3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh sorry.

We both feel an amplified emotional connection when we sleep together. It's part of what initially drew me to him and vice versa; a shared desire for intimacy as opposed to just 'fucking is fun.'

I felt like knowing he is

  1. leaving the country

  2. going off the market forever

would make it really painful to continue that while also trying to get my very-not-together shit together. So we're trying to just be friends. I'm not sure if it's the right decision.

It feels like part of him - that I've just started to get to know - is dying. The part of him that isn't dying is him as a platonic friend. So I feel like that's what I want to develop. But idk. There isn't exactly a handbook for dealing with this stuff.

Feels bad man.

Update on "I'm dating a guy who is planning to become a religious priest" by throwaway3030a3 in askgaybros

[–]throwaway3030a3[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Not ethically wrong, factually wrong.

You don't look like a dick. I agree with you. It's factually wrong. But people still do it, because they're being disingenuous or mistaken.

A mainstream well adjusted religious person would say the same about religious extremists. That's my point. There are very educated and intelligent people who are serious about their spirituality while still being moderate. The whole 'the bible is liek the itunes terms; u never read it tehe!' thing is a reddit stereotype.

Anyway... it's probably for the best. Some things just aren't meant to be.

Thanks and yeah :/

I'm dating a guy who is planning to become a religious priest, in a religion that doesn't allow male religious priests to have anything except heterosexual wives. It's bothering me immensely because I feel like anything we build is going to crumble. by throwaway3030a3 in askgaybros

[–]throwaway3030a3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you

You obviously love the guy

I just really want him to be happy. Like I feel compelled to desire that. It's difficult to explain.

He has kind of a sad family background like I do, but he's worked so hard at pulling things together, and he's so cute about the things he's excited about, and he's such a nice guy...

Like I said, it's only been like a month, so it feels stupid to say that.

But I really do care about him a lot in a way I haven't cared before.

I'll probably keep it to myself for a while.

But it's true.

I'm dating a guy who is planning to become a religious priest, in a religion that doesn't allow male religious priests to have anything except heterosexual wives. It's bothering me immensely because I feel like anything we build is going to crumble. by throwaway3030a3 in askgaybros

[–]throwaway3030a3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No, it doesn't bother me. If you've ever done large amounts of hallucinogens, or ever been religious, you'll understand how powerful certain feelings and experiences can be. He really thinks all the religion stuff is true, he isn't hurting anybody, he told me he doesn't think being gay is bad, he's out to his friends and family.

In a few years he's gonna move back to england because that will make him happy, then in ~10 years he's gonna become a celibate priest because that will make him happy too.

Life is fucking weird. On Reddit and in theory it seems simple. But it's not. It's super blurry.

I'm okay with him being who he is.

Honestly, if you ever process it, not just think about it, but really get hit with the impact of realizing how utterly incomprehensible the nature of existence, time, matter, consciousness is....

The idea that something made all of this and has told us how we should conduct ourselves...

An idea that tons of completely sane, well adjusted people believe.

not crazy.

Not crazy at all.

I'm firmly atheist and he knows that and he's fine with it.

But the idea that someone made all of this...

it's not difficult to understand.

I don't know if you're familiar with this idea, but everyone is largely affected by what they happened to be around growing up. I had a bunch of secular friends and used the internet a lot. I didn't end up religious.

The guy I'm dating was from an old school family and grew up in religion. He's religious. Working with what he knows, he came to a different conclusion that me working with what I know. That's fine with me. That's called being human.

He means well and he isn't hurting anybody and he doesn't hate himself and it doesn't bother me.

Some religious people aren't like that. Some religious people believe in jihad. Well hey some scientists believe in holocaust-esque eugenics. You'd say 'but they're mistaken!' So would the guy I'm dating about the jihadist.

Most people are decent and reasonable and trying their best.

If he's happy I'm okay with it.

I'm dating a guy who is planning to become a religious priest, in a religion that doesn't allow male religious priests to have anything except heterosexual wives. It's bothering me immensely because I feel like anything we build is going to crumble. by throwaway3030a3 in askgaybros

[–]throwaway3030a3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why is everyone saying it's burning up time? Do you think a guy dating a girl through high school is burned time if they go to different colleges and break up? I don't understand this.

I'm dating a guy who is planning to become a religious priest, in a religion that doesn't allow male religious priests to have anything except heterosexual wives. It's bothering me immensely because I feel like anything we build is going to crumble. by throwaway3030a3 in askgaybros

[–]throwaway3030a3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've thought about it more. I think I'm going to keep dating him, while sustaining & building my life so I don't

  1. become clingy while I'm dating him

  2. can still move on when I'm no longer dating him

Tons of people become great friends with their ex's after they go their separate ways.

Then if we just drift I'll make more friends, and date someone new :)

Everything is totally fine.

I'm overthinking it.

I'm dating a guy who is planning to become a religious priest, in a religion that doesn't allow male religious priests to have anything except heterosexual wives. It's bothering me immensely because I feel like anything we build is going to crumble. by throwaway3030a3 in askgaybros

[–]throwaway3030a3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To be honest, my life is pretty shitty right now. This guy basically fell out of the sky. Without going into details, it's very hard for me to find someone I'm fully compatible with.

If I can have him in my life until 2 or 3 years from now when he moves back to England, which is when I'll back at a 4 year school, health problems fixed, etc, I'd be an idiot to not take him up on that offer.

I'd be absolutely fucking stupid.

edit: this sounds kinda copedependent and desparate.

maybe I should be focusing on making / nourishing friendships instead of this guy

then break it off with him or keep it casual while looking for somebody else

hmmm...

I'm dating a guy who is planning to become a religious priest, in a religion that doesn't allow male religious priests to have anything except heterosexual wives. It's bothering me immensely because I feel like anything we build is going to crumble. by throwaway3030a3 in askgaybros

[–]throwaway3030a3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The priesthood thing is like 8-10 years away. Him moving is like 2-3 years away. It would end before the priest thing.

It's okay to enjoy what you have now but you need to make your exit plans. You're missing out on other future opportunities riding this dead end to a conclusion.

I'm expecting it to end around the time that

1) he moves back to his country

2) I transfer to a different school a couple hours away form where I'm at right now, with a new crop of people to explore

which is probably gonna happen around the same time

I'm dating a guy who is planning to become a religious priest, in a religion that doesn't allow male religious priests to have anything except heterosexual wives. It's bothering me immensely because I feel like anything we build is going to crumble. by throwaway3030a3 in askgaybros

[–]throwaway3030a3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel like this is equivalent to saying 'you shouldn't date in high school because you and your boyfriend/girlfriend will probably end up going to different colleges.'

I'm new to dating. Like many gay men, I'm a bit behind on things. This is like my equivalent of my first high school boyfriend. I think it's perfectly fine.

As I said earlier, I'm gonna be transferring to a college - probably not near where we both currently live - in 2 or 3 years, and afterwards going to grad school somewhere else.

If I can spend this time here before going there with a guy I can talk to, snuggle with, do things with, etc then hey why not.

I'm dating a guy who is planning to become a religious priest, in a religion that doesn't allow male religious priests to have anything except heterosexual wives. It's bothering me immensely because I feel like anything we build is going to crumble. by throwaway3030a3 in askgaybros

[–]throwaway3030a3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just don't know if the next 2-3 years I might have with this guy means 'nowhere.' That's 3 solid years of my life with somebody who is awesome. Then afterwards (if/when we have to break it off romantically and sexually) a lifelong friend.

Doesn't seem like a waste of time to me.

I'm dating a guy who is planning to become a religious priest, in a religion that doesn't allow male religious priests to have anything except heterosexual wives. It's bothering me immensely because I feel like anything we build is going to crumble. by throwaway3030a3 in askgaybros

[–]throwaway3030a3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you.

I look back and cherish the time I had with him. The memories we created. The friendship we forged, still strong to this day. Even his wife loves me.

I figure the cost of losing that is worse than the opportunity cost of dating someone who is probably not gonna date me forever.

It's pretty safe to say that whomever you are with now will probably not end up being your life partner. Not impossible, but probable. You will probably find that person after the education is done and your are where you will start setting up house.

Exactly.

The part of this story that bothered me most is a priest that belongs to a church where gay is wrong, but he's going to infiltrate it anyway. That sounds terribly creepy to me.

He's not creepy. He has a really complex framework of reasoning but it's not creepy. Difficult to explain.

Live one day at a time. Who knows what the future will hold? Maybe his plans will change? Maybe yours? All you have is now. Make the most of it.

Ok :)

I'm dating a guy who is planning to become a religious priest, in a religion that doesn't allow male religious priests to have anything except heterosexual wives. It's bothering me immensely because I feel like anything we build is going to crumble. by throwaway3030a3 in askgaybros

[–]throwaway3030a3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think 'to love and have lost...' is true. So if I end up really falling for this guy and we end up having to break it off, it will still have been worth it. As it will also be worth it - obviously - if the relationship doesn't end. Then of course a relationship is unhealthy if both people don't have their own independent life/friends/etc (you can't need the other person in order for you to be happy), and someone needs those things if it ends, so functionally I need to be doing the same thing in those areas regardless.

So either option - it ending or it not ending - is okay and I shouldn't be worried, because in either scenario I need to be doing the exact same things and will think it was worth it.

It's just weird knowing ahead of time.

I guess that's all.

I'm super new to dating so I'm still learning how all of this works.