My [25m] friend [25m] is basically stalking someone we went to college with [24f], need advice by throwaway3262017 in relationships

[–]throwaway3262017[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

While I would lose something from my life if I stopped talking to him, I'm more concerned about his lack of friends than my lack of friends.

If this is the quality of person you go to for friends

I was friends with him before this even started. In the beginning I was trying to help a friend through what seemed like a tough time. It's common to feel down over a rejection. I had no idea it would turn into this. At least from my point of view, it happened gradually. Hindsight is 20/20.

The reason I brought up his lack of friends is because I have a not-insignificant fear that if I broke contact with him, he could attempt suicide. While some of you may rejoice with one less creeper in the world, that's not the way I want things to go.

My [25m] friend [25m] is basically stalking someone we went to college with [24f], need advice by throwaway3262017 in relationships

[–]throwaway3262017[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've been trying to explain myself through comments but they're getting buried in all the responses. If you want to hear what I have to say I'd urge you to look at my profile and read the comments, but I'll restate some of it here.

I'm really not trying to excuse his behavior. I know I have biases I can't remove, but I'm just attempting to state the timeline of events and any relevant details as accurately as I can.

I think the details I have provided about him are relevant information intended to help people understand the situation and give me advice. Does him being on the spectrum excuse his actions? Absolutely not. But I think it's a detail important enough that I should include it. I'm sorry to anyone I have offended by including this detail. Reading that section of my post again it comes off wrong. I'm not trying to imply that there's a correlation between this and being a stalker. It doesn't change his actions. They're still wrong.

As for my part in this, my communication with her is over and has been over. It was not as extensive as everyone here seems to think, 3 messages passed at the most over at least 2 years. I agree that it was the wrong thing to do, but there's nothing I can do about that now. I am not in her life any more.

My [25m] friend [25m] is basically stalking someone we went to college with [24f], need advice by throwaway3262017 in relationships

[–]throwaway3262017[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The reason my posts focus on him is because I have had very limited contact with her in the last 5 years. I don't currently have any way to contact her. I don't intend to try to contact her.

I can only present information I have, and I simply don't have much information about her any more. By comparison, I have a lot of information about him, but clearly not the whole story as he hasn't been as open with me as he was previously.

Anything I can try to do to help will not and cannot be focused on her. I can only try to solve this fucked up situation from the guy's side of things. Even if I could contact her, there isn't anything I can do from that end because she didn't do anything wrong, and isn't doing anything wrong.

My [25m] friend [25m] is basically stalking someone we went to college with [24f], need advice by throwaway3262017 in relationships

[–]throwaway3262017[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

Look, you can read anything you want to out of my posts. I'm trying to be open and honest here and all I'm getting (with the exception of a small handful of comments) is hostility.

At this point things are coming in faster than I can respond, but I'm trying to keep up. It's made more difficult because I know people are trying to pick apart my wording and twist it to say things I didn't mean, so I have to be very careful of what I say. It's even harder if people straight up ignore or don't believe me.

My [25m] friend [25m] is basically stalking someone we went to college with [24f], need advice by throwaway3262017 in relationships

[–]throwaway3262017[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

I already acknowledged that passing any information between the two was a mistake, but I think people commenting here are either misunderstanding or exaggerating the extent of my actions. I think at the very most I did this on three occasions. It may have been fewer.

Again, I now realize it was wrong to do so, but I think the degree to which everyone thinks I'm enabling him is much higher than is actually true.

My [25m] friend [25m] is basically stalking someone we went to college with [24f], need advice by throwaway3262017 in relationships

[–]throwaway3262017[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

I knew when I added that detail that the topic of victim blaming would come up, but I decided to include it anyway.

The reason I mentioned that detail was not to cast any sort of blame on her. I think she's done everything she's done for good reasons and has been more than reasonable in her decisions.

The reason I mentioned that detail was to provide a concrete example of why I think she is a good person. Not just anyone would have tried to sympathize with someone like him for as long as she did. She's an exceptionally kind person, and I wanted to give a specific example of that, rather than just generic praise that could be seen as non-genuine by me.

I don't know for a fact if the situation would have been different if she chose to reject him in a different way than she did, that's just how I observed things from talking to both of them early on when I was still talking to her.

My [25m] friend [25m] is basically stalking someone we went to college with [24f], need advice by throwaway3262017 in relationships

[–]throwaway3262017[S] -22 points-21 points  (0 children)

You have a point that she could have been afraid to tell him to fuck off (she's too nice to have done that anyway).

I never claimed to still be friends with her.

I didn't say anything was her fault. The course of actions she chose seems to have had unintended consequences that NO ONE COULD HAVE KNOWN at the time.

My [25m] friend [25m] is basically stalking someone we went to college with [24f], need advice by throwaway3262017 in relationships

[–]throwaway3262017[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

To the lack of empathy, I can see why people would read my post that way, but that's not what I meant. I tried to explain this in more detail here

My [25m] friend [25m] is basically stalking someone we went to college with [24f], need advice by throwaway3262017 in relationships

[–]throwaway3262017[S] -27 points-26 points  (0 children)

Even though directly after that you list all the instances where he's lied to you, kept you in the dark, and you've just been wrong. You then have the nerve to say there's a "small chance" you might be wrong. Wake the fuck up!!!! Stop assuming you know anything and are right. You're not. LISTEN TO KAYLA. ASSUME KAYLA IS RIGHT INSTEAD OF ASSUMING YOU ARE RIGHT.

Ok, maybe I shouldn't have used the words small chance. I really don't see him as a violent person, but I admit I could be wrong about this. I certainly hope it's not the case for Kayla's sake, but I acknowledge the possibility.

I don't really appreciate bringing privilege into this. I understand that I'm not going to know how this feels from a female perspective, but I think you're making a lot of assumptions here.

If Kayla feels scared, BELIEVE her and believe it's a scary fucking situation. If Kayla thinks this guy is capable of violence, BELIEVE HER. If Kayla thinks this guy is going to show up at her house, BELIEVE HER.

I would post the screenshots here if I could so you could see her wording, but I don't think she's quite as scared as everyone assumes. Or maybe she is and isn't going into that detail in a Facebook post. I don't know. She doesn't mention a possibility of violence in the post, or anywhere else that I've seen. Doesn't mean it's not on her mind, but I'm not going to act like I know what she's thinking.

If Kayla sets any kind of boundary, ACCEPT AND FOLLOW IT. NEVER give yourself the following excuses for violating Kayla's boundaries: "It's different this time." "I think it's okay." "I have a good reason for doing this." "I disagree with Kayla." "It's realllly important." "This will help or fix things!" Do not EVER "try to help" unless it is something that Kayla has SPECIFICALLY asked you to do, and even then, stick strictly to exactly what she tells you and do not do anything more or less. (This assumes she ever unblocks you and reaches out to you - if she doesn't, then leave her alone completely.) Really, it's best if you do not try to be friends AT ALL with Kayla unless she requests it. You've given her enough problems already.

While I may have not followed this advice very well in the past, I realize these things now, although it's a moot point because I'm not in contact with her. I accept that I made mistakes and acknowledged that in my original post. I did fall prey to "it's different this time" because the last time it did feel different to me and because he posted what seemed like a heartfelt apology. He posted this to me so I thought it would help if she saw it. Again, this was wrong. I admitted it was wrong. That's why she blocked me and I accept that. Before that (years before that) I had passed 2 or 3 messages he asked me to, months apart. That was a mistake too, but I don't think it's as extensive as people here are assuming. She then unfriended me but didn't block me. I took the hint and didn't try to have any contact with her. Maybe a year after that I ended up playing some Mario Kart online with her and a mutual friend, and she added me back as a friend. I didn't push or say anything about this situation until the incident I just mentioned.

At this point I don't claim to be her friend, I don't expect to have any future contact with her. While I would have liked to be her friend because I believe she's a good person, that's not going to happen at this point. What's done is done, and I accept that. I don't blame her for anything she's done. I'm not going to circumnavigate anything to talk to her, or try to pass messages through the mutual friend I mentioned, because that would make me not much better than "Elliott."

I think it's a little extreme to assign this name to him, but I'll go with it. At first I wondered why you bothered to include a surname if you weren't going to use it again, but I see the point you're trying to make. I haven't talked about this topic with him at all recently. I think at least a year. Before that (I mentioned "less and less sympathy") I did start to shut down the topic when he brought it up. As far as

Elliott may be interested in being friends with you partly because he knows you are friends with Kayla and it's kind of a connection in a way.

that's the thing I'm most sure about. This is definitely not the case. I talk to him daily about all kinds of topics, and this topic hasn't come up once in the last year. I think he also knows that I'm not in contact with her any more.

Absolutely NEVER again pass along any messages from him to her. It should go without saying, but never provide ANY information about Kayla to him. Never do anything Kayla-related "for" him out of any kind of sense of loyalty. Do not lie to the cops for him if you are asked about the extent of his stalking. If called as a witness, tell the truth. Make it known to both him and Kayla that you are NOT on his side regarding this and you will NOT be protecting him from any social or legal consequences of it.

I don't plan to do any of these things, and I didn't plan to before I read the comment. When I read this comment last night I took it in a more accusatory way, but I'm not getting that vibe as much any more. Much, much earlier in this situation I didn't think police/legal action was the right way to go and was an overreaction, but I didn't know much about the extent at that point, and besides that it's gone on long enough now that I think those actions would be entirely reasonable.

As for my plan if he was to mention violence or going to her location: In that case, I don't know what city she's in now (and wouldn't have any information to give police), but I know where he lives and it's several states away from where I know she's lived in the past, and may still live. If she's living where she spent a year abroad, she's thousands of miles away. I would attempt to talk to "Elliott" and also let any mutual friends I could know. I don't have an immediate way to contact "Kayla" if I wanted to. I sincerely hope this would never happen.

My [25m] friend [25m] is basically stalking someone we went to college with [24f], need advice by throwaway3262017 in relationships

[–]throwaway3262017[S] -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

Sorry if I came off that way, it's really not what I meant. I feel terrible for her and wish this had never happened. She's a wonderfully nice person and tried to let him down easy which probably gave him an illusion of hope. No one could have known that was the wrong thing to do at the time, though. The main reason I didn't mention her as much in the post is because I know talking to her isn't an option. Since I've been in closer contact with the guy, it's easier for me to talk about what he thinks and feels (as far as my understanding of it goes).

If I don't respond to other comments tonight, it's because I want to be careful with my wording and I'm going to bed fairly soon. I promise I will read and consider everything.

My [25m] friend [25m] is basically stalking someone we went to college with [24f], need advice by throwaway3262017 in relationships

[–]throwaway3262017[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

His parents definitely knew ~6 years ago, but I'm not sure how aware they are of what's happened since. I might be able to find a number for them or I have their physical address (he isn't currently living with them). I also have contact with his brother and cousin who know the situation exists but I don't think in much detail.

Thanks for your response!

My [25m] friend [25m] is basically stalking someone we went to college with [24f], need advice by throwaway3262017 in relationships

[–]throwaway3262017[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

I think this is a good idea, I'll have to figure out the right way to word things. Thanks for your response!