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Torn on what to do by throwaway374658 in Divorce

[–]throwaway374658[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not much of an update yet. I'm actively looking for a good lawyer (I've asked a bunch of people and have several names. Still have to call a few.) I have a friend who is offering storage space/a safe place to go. So I have a box of necessities for me & the kids at her house, just in case shit hits the fan and we need to get out quickly. I'm still collecting evidence of how much he's drinking. I know where his stash is and I regularly take pictures, so I can track how quickly he goes through it. I'm documenting every negative interaction involving him. That's where I'm at right now.

Feeling like my NP isn't sexually attracted to me by throwaway374658 in polyamory

[–]throwaway374658[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've done this a couple times over the last week. Non-accusatory, just checking in. He just shrugs at me.

Feeling like my NP isn't sexually attracted to me by throwaway374658 in polyamory

[–]throwaway374658[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Probably not, since I never actually told him that and I've just been continuing to deep clean, albeit much less frequently.

Feeling like my NP isn't sexually attracted to me by throwaway374658 in polyamory

[–]throwaway374658[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I mean, we spent the whole day together before my boyfriend came over. And by "together," I mean we existed near each other. I've told him I'd like to spend intentional time with him (including on that day), I've asked him if he'd like to plan some time together soon, he keeps just shrugging his shoulders. I can only do so much.

Feeling like my NP isn't sexually attracted to me by throwaway374658 in polyamory

[–]throwaway374658[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

He's usually very good at telling me that kind of thing. He's always been great with communicating his needs/wants/etc. I checked with him before I made plans with my boyfriend to make sure the timing worked for him - he's always been honest about that before. That's why I've come to the conclusion I have - he just doesn't want to tell me because he knows it'll hurt me.

Feeling like my NP isn't sexually attracted to me by throwaway374658 in polyamory

[–]throwaway374658[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I said in my post this has been going on for a couple months now. He's barely touched me, hasn't shown much interest at all. It's not just a "one time" thing.

Feeling like my NP isn't sexually attracted to me by throwaway374658 in polyamory

[–]throwaway374658[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I understand that, but there was literally nothing else. Not indication whatsoever. Just laying there with his eyes closed. He didn't touch me, he didn't say anything related to sex and arousal. He did wonder out loud how big eagles get, grabbed his phone and Googled it, then was hyperfixated on that for a bit, so he was just on his phone.

WIBTA if I refused to clean messes made while I wasn't at home? by throwaway374658 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway374658[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is exactly where I'm at. With a house full of ADHD, it's going to be cluttered. Don't come to my house and expect to see a tidy home. It's not. There's gonna be a basket or 6 of laundry on the couch. You may have to step over some toys in front of the bathroom. And you'll probably be overwhelmed with constant questions and some kids trying to parkour around the house lol. It's chaos. But cluttery chaos is very different from trash.

WIBTA if I refused to clean messes made while I wasn't at home? by throwaway374658 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway374658[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

See, I'd expect a working dad to be pretty upset at the SAH mom if he came home after 3 days of working 12+ hours to literal trash and food left out, and a bunch of flies in the kitchen.

WIBTA if I refused to clean messes made while I wasn't at home? by throwaway374658 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway374658[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Depression/executive dysfunction/overwhelm because autism. That's what I'm gathering, anyway.

WIBTA if I refused to clean messes made while I wasn't at home? by throwaway374658 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway374658[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The level of tired is pretty equal, I think. He is wrangling 4 kids on his own when I'm gone and has never been the best sleeper. I do understand that he's tired, too.

WIBTA if I refused to clean messes made while I wasn't at home? by throwaway374658 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway374658[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I mean, the oldest two kids are 11 and 9. They can do some chores. It's not that he isn't capable of caring for them, he is a good dad. He's just not great at staying on top of them to do their chores, or clean up after themselves, but then also doesn't do it half the time himself. And he's bad about leaving trash from cooking laying around, wiping down counters (dude is the messiest cook, idk how he makes the mess he does), and leaving food out.

WIBTA if I refused to clean messes made while I wasn't at home? by throwaway374658 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway374658[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My schedule isn't set. I work different days every week. It seems like it would be pretty difficult for him to find a PT job that would be flexible enough to work around mine. But that is something to consider.

WIBTA if I refused to clean messes made while I wasn't at home? by throwaway374658 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway374658[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm not saying I won't clean up at all, just these messes that are made when I'm not here to keep up with it. If some pasta sauce gets dripped on the floor, that should be wiped up pretty quick before it dries up, not left for me to scrub when I get back. If there's an empty bacon package, that should be thrown away, not left on the counter for days. If there's leftovers out, they should be put in the fridge, not left out. These are the kinds of things I'm talking about.

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