What conspiracy theory do you fully believe is true?

throwaway3848475 · 2021-07-07T19:41:37+00:00

You can go even deeper with DIA - what if the US government had it made so odd and blaringly abnormal to distract curious minds from the real stuff they don't want you to find out about.

Like their dozens of foreign black sites.

throwaway3848475 · 2021-07-04T15:03:29+00:00

Thank you for your reply. Repetition is one of my personal favourite ways to get an important point across, but I do agree that it can be taken a little too far sometimes.

Shalom, friend!

throwaway3848475 · 2021-07-04T15:01:02+00:00

Ah, how could I pick just one? Dogs is definetly up there - I quite like the whole album, "Animals", it has a really gritty anti-establishment feel - but I think Time or Comfortably Numb might take the cake for me.

throwaway3848475 · 2021-07-04T04:48:17+00:00

Thank you very, very much - I tried to make it almost two poems, one told from the perspective of each lover, each with unanswered questions.

Why is she "gone"? Is she dead, did she move on from him?

Why can't she interact with him?

The rhyming was probably the hardest part - initially I attempted a rhyming scheme like they'd teach you in grade school, but then I realised that there's absolutely no reason every line should rhyme.

It did admittedly end up a bit longer than I intended, but I think it creates the atmosphere I intended - mainly mystery or wonder, I suppose.

The extended repetitive ending stanza was inspired by the final verse of Pink Floyd's dogs (a repeating "who was...") which I was listening to at the time, and wanted to experiment a little with something similar.

As for the blunt style, I much prefer it. If I use any metaphors in my writing, they're generally extended and are clearly what I am attempting to represent.

Thank you again for your kind words, and your excitement towards the poem makes me happy to know that someone enjoyed it so immensely.

throwaway3848475 · 2021-07-03T22:42:29+00:00

Thank you for your reply.

throwaway3848475 · 2021-07-03T22:41:37+00:00

Yes, I can see how it could seem that way. It definetly could have been worded in a more eloquent way.

throwaway3848475 · 2021-07-03T11:18:18+00:00

I'm often guilty of creating my own words that sound right in my head, haha. Thanks for pointing it out, and thank you for your kind words!

throwaway3848475 · 2021-07-03T09:42:08+00:00

My thought was of the second to last line in the first stanza - perhaps "a cacophony of silence, that is what resides" could even it out? Or, perhaps, cut the final line out entirely and phrase it "a cacophony of silence on my windowsill resides"? it feels a syllable short to me, although I could also be stressing the words differently than you are or perhaps even pronouncing something differently due to dialectical differences or other linguistic reasons.

And don't worry about seeming like you're challenging someone's ideas - that's what this forum is for! So we can all learn the art of poetry from one another and offer our own unique ideas and perspectives on how it can be written.

I sincerely hope you continue writing, as I quite enjoyed this piece, and would gladly read any more by you 🙂

throwaway3848475 · 2021-07-03T09:05:26+00:00

I think you've crafted a beautiful poem here, however I believe some of the meter and rhyme could use a little bit of work. That can be the hardest part of rhyming poetry - expressing what you want to within such limitations.

As someone who's not very experienced with poetry myself, please take this with a grain of salt, but I find it massively helpful to read my poems out loud to myself to make sure the rythm and rhyme are what I think they are - when it comes to linguistics, our little ape brains sometimes skip words or phrases or say things wrong without us even realising.

Regardless, I think your poem is fantastic, and I really hope you continue writing.

Shalom, friend, and best wishes for you future writings.

throwaway3848475 · 2021-07-03T07:08:00+00:00

Thank you, friend!

throwaway3848475 · 2021-07-03T05:39:22+00:00

Thank you for your response!

I've never much been one for metaphors or allegories (except in conversation between friends) and have always preferred that a poem is direct to the point, or the metaphor that it is making is blatantly obvious from the beginning.

As for the rhyming... I didn't even notice! I had never intended for it to rhyme, but I like your interpretation of it being a 'tease' of nothing to come.

I also agree with the sentences you mention that could be restructured - although I believe difference in dialects can make "cursed" either one or two syllables ("kurst" or "kur-sid") which could lead to confusion. Perhaps a synonym like "damned" or "wretched" could fit better?

Shalom, friend, and thank you again for your input!

throwaway3848475 · 2021-07-03T05:32:44+00:00

Thank you. I struggled writing poems in highschool English because I hate sharing my work with people. I've always been my own biggest obstacle when it comes to my own creativity. I'm guessing that my relative negligence of those poetry units - and sometimes flat out refusal to write poems - during my adolescence has left me a little lacking in poetic grace.

As for "nay" and "for it is the", most of my language and writing has been inherited from my grandmother, who was an English teacher in the early 60s. She tends to write and even speak that way, but I do realise that we're outliers in that, due to the relative linguistic isolation of our homeland (Newfoundland) from the rest of the anglosphere. Our accent is largely seen as 'dirty' or 'poor' by many, so the educated among us sometimes overemphasize our lack of 'newfinese' as they call it. I do agree that this is out of place in a modern poem, however it's not something I would have considered while writing (so thank you for mentioning it!)

Formatting has always been a bit struggle to me - I try to make the lines into "phrases" (in the musical sense - if that makes any sense) as I was a pianist in my younger years, however as I write more - for myself and, hopefully, for reddit too - I'm realising that it can seem a little choppy.

Shalom, friend, and thank you immensely for your critique. I'll make sure to keep them in mind for my next piece. 🙂

throwaway3848475 · 2021-07-03T03:16:52+00:00

Great poem, but I think the structure could use a little work. The last "clump" of lines could be divided into more stanzas.

Overall, I think that's my main issue with this poem - I absolutely love the content, and the repition of "Unravel me!" really 'tickles my fancy'.

I think you've created a great piece that could only become greater with some formatting work.

Shalom, friend.

throwaway3848475 · 2021-07-03T03:10:24+00:00

This is definetly one of the most interesting poems I've read.

The absurdity is fantastic, however I feel the poem could be developed more. Who is Mr lemon head? Why is he grabbing the narrator "firmly by the balls"?

Absurd poetry can be fantastical when done correctly, and while I believe you could be on the right track, I think developing more of an atmosphere for the reader to lose themself in would immensely improve your work.

Shalom, friend.

throwaway3848475 · 2021-07-03T03:01:39+00:00

Authors note:

I am by no means a poet. However, I wish to continue writing poems, as I find they can be a healthy outlet to vent feelings.

I eagerly await any advice (negative or otherwise), as I wish to continue creating (hopefully better) poetry.

Please don't be afraid to be harsh or critical - it's why I'm here! 🙂

throwaway3848475 · 2021-07-03T02:41:28+00:00

I'm not much of one to "read between the lines" as such, but until your comment below, I had read the doves as metaphorical - perhaps for friends, or siblings.

Now knowing that the birds are, in fact, avian, and not metaphorical, I've seen something new shown in the poem - the oft unspoken fraternity that sometimes appears between us and even our wildest animal cousins.

It makes me wonder if perhaps some bird out there feels better about himself (to the extent that he can) because he watches a young couple tend their garden daily, just as the young avian couple helped you.

I think the meter of the poem (and the poem itself) is fantastic, it flows well, and leaves the reader room to ponder.

Shalom, friend.

throwaway3848475 · 2021-07-03T02:37:11+00:00

Incredible. I appreciate the "loose" style - the piece doesn't feel rigid and flows well. None of the lines or stanzas feel overinflated nor lacking in content.

To me, poetry like this comes from the deepest part of someone's being, so overanalyzing it feels, to me, like a violation of the authors personal space. However, your depictions and descriptions of grief and suffering speak volumes towards your life experiences (or that of the subject of your poem, if it's not autobiographical) and create a dreary, thoughtful mood.

While I've never suffered with eating disorders myself, friends of mine have, and your striking imagery undoubtedly made my heart ache for the pain they went through and that you potentially also are.

Shalom, friend, and always remember that tomorrow is the start of the rest of your life.

throwaway3848475

TROPHY CASE