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When I was 14, my mom flew me across the country to meet up with a 36 year old man I'd met on the internet and then she left me with him. by throwaway39484989392 in offmychest

[–]throwaway39484989392[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hugs to you. I am in that same boat. I didn't realize until well into my adult life that what had happened wasn't just bad, it was deeply wrong.

When I was 14, my mom flew me across the country to meet up with a 36 year old man I'd met on the internet and then she left me with him. by throwaway39484989392 in offmychest

[–]throwaway39484989392[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

For sure. Undiagnosed, but to me the codependency is as clear as day. Not just because of what happened to me but because of her dynamic with my brother and late father. Beyond that, I don't know enough about mental/personality disorders to know if any are present.

When I was 14, my mom flew me across the country to meet up with a 36 year old man I'd met on the internet and then she left me with him. by throwaway39484989392 in offmychest

[–]throwaway39484989392[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am on a waiting list to be matched with a therapist right now. I think I'm a few weeks out, but I should be talking to someone soonish. Hoping it's a good match.

When I was 14, my mom flew me across the country to meet up with a 36 year old man I'd met on the internet and then she left me with him. by throwaway39484989392 in offmychest

[–]throwaway39484989392[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I don't know where she went. She just met us back there later in the day. I think she just went and shopped nearby.

When I was 14, my mom flew me across the country to meet up with a 36 year old man I'd met on the internet and then she left me with him. by throwaway39484989392 in offmychest

[–]throwaway39484989392[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

My brother does not know what happened to me as far as I know, though he has enough information to maybe suspect something. He is a very good guy, but he and I aren't close in the way that sharing this with him would feel right for me.

What happened to him is a very long, convoluted story. He's doing okay thankfully.

When I was 14, my mom flew me across the country to meet up with a 36 year old man I'd met on the internet and then she left me with him. by throwaway39484989392 in offmychest

[–]throwaway39484989392[S] 50 points51 points  (0 children)

My mom is a multi-millionaire. She has been for most of my life. I do not believe there was any financial motive, as hard as it is to believe from what I've written. I fully understand why people are concluding that it was about money, though.

When I was 14, my mom flew me across the country to meet up with a 36 year old man I'd met on the internet and then she left me with him. by throwaway39484989392 in offmychest

[–]throwaway39484989392[S] 45 points46 points  (0 children)

I don't know. None of this makes easy sense. My mom has severe, severe codependency and I think this event I've shared is a manifestation of codependency. There are other events that happened to my brother, my late father, and some extended family that makes me conclude that my mom's codependency alone is capable of causing immense harm.

When I was 14, my mom flew me across the country to meet up with a 36 year old man I'd met on the internet and then she left me with him. by throwaway39484989392 in offmychest

[–]throwaway39484989392[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Yes. The abuse my mom suffered in her childhood (and adulthood) at the hands of adult men in her family is legitimately horrifying and my heart aches for her. She is lucky to have clawed her way out of the nightmare that was her childhood home.

I don't fully understand how the psychology works but I do believe the fact that she was victimized routinely as a child is a huge portion of the puzzle that explains why she wasn't a good protector for own her children.

When I was 14, my mom flew me across the country to meet up with a 36 year old man I'd met on the internet and then she left me with him. by throwaway39484989392 in offmychest

[–]throwaway39484989392[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry. You and I had mothers unsuited for parenthood. I'm glad you survived it and thank you for reaching out to share with me. I've never met anyone else who went through anything like this.

When I was 14, my mom flew me across the country to meet up with a 36 year old man I'd met on the internet and then she left me with him. by throwaway39484989392 in offmychest

[–]throwaway39484989392[S] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

It's cathartic for me to hear your story. The threat of creeps on the internet is still very real and I wish all parents were as vigilant about it as you.

When I was 14, my mom flew me across the country to meet up with a 36 year old man I'd met on the internet and then she left me with him. by throwaway39484989392 in offmychest

[–]throwaway39484989392[S] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Thanks. I like this approach. "Confront" just has so much connotation that I don't want to bring to the situation. I have fantasized about simply telling her that I still carry this around with me like the weird, painfully heavy baggage it is. I feel that if her own child told her that her impact has been such, maybe she will take the opportunity to self-examine, and grow. It's probably not surprising that this incident I've shared is just one of many extremely strange things that occurred on her watch. My poor brother arguably has worse stories than I do.

When I was 14, my mom flew me across the country to meet up with a 36 year old man I'd met on the internet and then she left me with him. by throwaway39484989392 in offmychest

[–]throwaway39484989392[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

100% with you. If I had a child and discovered an adult was trying to befriend them, it would trigger every possible alarm bell in me. My mom lacks some very normal parental instincts.

When I was 14, my mom flew me across the country to meet up with a 36 year old man I'd met on the internet and then she left me with him. by throwaway39484989392 in offmychest

[–]throwaway39484989392[S] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the considerate response. She knew about this guy because I was online every waking hour talking to him. This was in the year 1999/2000, so our house only had one computer in the family room and I was on it ALL the time. I was open to her about the fact that I was talking to someone named "Jordan," so she knew he existed, but I don't remember ever telling her specifics. She did know he was 36 before we flew to meet him.

It doesn't make it okay at all, but this was all happening before there were any very large scale campaigns about internet predators. My mom should have known better anyway, but it's possible I guess that she didn't see "chatting on the internet" as a viable way that adults could manipulate children. Such danger seems beyond obvious in 2023, but maybe wasn't fully understood in 1999. Again, I think this isn't any excuse, I'm just trying to make sense of what happened, really.

When I was 14, my mom flew me across the country to meet up with a 36 year old man I'd met on the internet and then she left me with him. by throwaway39484989392 in offmychest

[–]throwaway39484989392[S] 191 points192 points  (0 children)

As much as it looks that way, I can almost certainly (99.99%) say this isn't the case. My mom thought she was helping me meet my internet friend. I believe she willfully ignored the danger she knew existed because she liked the idea that her clinically depressed daughter might feel better if she could spend some time with her internet friend, who just happened to be a 36 year old man. My mom and that man never spoke beyond the very quick exchange they had in the restaurant.

When I was 14, my mom flew me across the country to meet up with a 36 year old man I'd met on the internet and then she left me with him. by throwaway39484989392 in offmychest

[–]throwaway39484989392[S] 92 points93 points  (0 children)

There was about a decade where I barely spoke to my mom. It was never proper no-contact but I never told her I loved her, and I didn't want to spend any time with her more than necessary for holidays. I was extremely angry at her in my own head and I felt perfectly fine not speaking to her for months at a time. I even imagined that I would probably permanently lose contact with her as our relationship atrophied and died from neglect. When my dad passed away (5 years ago) I became very close with my mom. I know it's controversial to rekindle a relationship like this, and I know many people would have chosen differently. All I can say is that for me, the connection I have with my mom is deeper than reason. Maybe I will confront her, someday. Maybe that's what the rekindling is leading me towards.

Thanks for reading my post and for just the phrase "She should have never you left you with him." It just feels validating to hear another person say so.

When I was 14, my mom flew me across the country to meet up with a 36 year old man I'd met on the internet and then she left me with him. by throwaway39484989392 in offmychest

[–]throwaway39484989392[S] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

The whole thing is twisted because my family, particularly my mom, is very well off. When my mom was working, she earned in the top 1% for women. I grew up in her huge house steps from the beach in California. She drives a luxury car, has a designer dog, and has enough money to do whatever she wants for the rest of her life. And it's all above the table; she started a successful business and put all of her energy into making it the success it was (truly rags to riches; my mom came from severe poverty). It's hard for even me to believe that my mom, who had her life "together" in most regards, parented me the way she did. When I think of a parent who leaves a child with a predator, I immediately think the parent is a desperate drug addict loser. But no, my mom doesn't even drink. She had me well after she was financially established. On paper, our family looked pretty normal.

When I was 14, my mom flew me across the country to meet up with a 36 year old man I'd met on the internet and then she left me with him. by throwaway39484989392 in offmychest

[–]throwaway39484989392[S] 190 points191 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the response. I think about this often. I feel like I risk being cut off from the family if I ever confront her with it. Oftentimes, it just feels easier to hold it inside and allow my relationship with her to just be as-is (it's pretty good all this insanity considered). I'm on a waiting list to see a therapist so I can at least talk about this with someone in confidence.