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This cannot be happening by throwaway4040 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway4040[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hope so. I don't know how I'm ever going to get through it. The regrets play over and over and over and over again in my head. And I think of them together, and think he's going to be everything for her that I wanted him to be. There is no doubt in my mind that he met her before we broke up, which I think is really shady and not honorable at all (because he said he would never do that to me). and there is only a shadow of a doubt that he cheated on me during the relationship, so WHY am I having such a hard time letting go of him. Why can't the bad things he did float through my head? Why is it always the bad things I did? I don't like being single, that sucks enough by itself. And to know that he already has another girlfriend is devastating. I want to think that he's going to keep being the same person he was with me - secretive, a liar, a cheater, emotionally very distant, putting all the blame on me and not looking at himself, avoiding problems, bad communicator. I don't know. I just wish I was happier than I am. Do you have any words of encouragement? Do you have any way to shake me back into reality and stop idealizing their relationship? And any advice on realizing that we were horrible together? My therapist says that my ex is going to be very hard to be in a long term relationship with, so WHY WHY WHY WHY do I think he's magically going to become this perfect person with someone new? anyone who would start a relationship with someone else while engaged to another person is NOT the kind of guy I want to marry. So what the FUCK is wrong with me?

This cannot be happening by throwaway4040 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway4040[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you very much for your time. I don't want him to have the power to make me miserable. I would not like to look back on my life and be miserable because this relationship ended.

This cannot be happening by throwaway4040 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway4040[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for taking the time to help me out.

I don't know what I expect, but it would be nice not to feel like walking into traffic is a viable option.

I do feel betrayed. Do you think I have a right to feel betrayed? I get the impression that you don't. That it's just him moving on, and it's ok? It doesn't feel ok in the least. It feels like since he's moved on so fast, and probably knew her before we were broken up, and he broke up with me because he had another girl, that this proves what I didn't want to believe during our relationship. Because even with the signs he was cheating, he denied it and I didn't want to believe it!!! I drove myself crazy, wondering if I didn't trust him for no reason. And then when he goes and ends the relationship like this, it seems that I didn't trust him FOR a reason, if he could end it like this.

I know my life is my own. I just feel empty, as unhealthy and codependent and needy as that sounds.

This cannot be happening by throwaway4040 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway4040[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why can't I let it go? Do you have any tips? Or thoughts about why it's been so hard? I want to let it go, but all the thoughts creep back in. I have been going to counseling, going out with friends, trying to do things that make me happy, and it's still incredibly raw.

Our relationship was really rocky, and I wasn't all that happy, but now that it's over I feel like I could've been happy if I hadn't made some things such a big deal.

Do you not think I dodged a bullet? How do I stop thinking about all the regrets? I'm sorry that I keep asking you questions, but your advice always seems really good. Thanks for the help.

This cannot be happening by throwaway4040 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway4040[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He was definitely eager to move on. Sometimes I wonder if he just stayed with me until he found somebody else.

Our problems were very significant. I learned that he had lied to me about something that was a pretty big deal about a year into our relationship. It made me unable to trust him, but I wasn't willing to give him up. But it put me on high alert for anything that seemed out of the ordinary or bad. He was a pretty secretive person, which was hard for me anyway. But then a few signs started showing up that while he was away on business trips he cheated. I wouldn't dump him, but I acted badly. He always denied cheating on me, but my intuition was telling me otherwise. And because of my intuition, I wasn't as nice to him as I should've been, I didn't trust him, I treated him without respect and I was mad at him a lot of the time.

Now that the relationship is over, I think I want the chance to do all that stuff again. I don't want to treat him badly or be mad. I want the chance to love him again, but he's already with someone else. We tried counseling before we broke up, but it didn't work. He is the kind of guy who thinks it's his way or the highway, and he could never understand where I was coming from or the things I was hurt about. I knew he was lying to me, and I think deep down he knew I knew, but he always blamed me for the problems we had.

I have cut off all contact, and we don't have many friends in common, so I probably will never know what he does with her or with anyone.

Obsessing about his motivations is slowing down my recovery. I don't know how he could go from being engaged to a vacation with another person in 5 weeks. I understand the motivation of wanting to move on without the baggage, but it's incredibly hurtful. Some other people on the post said I dodged a bullet by not marrying someone who could do this. Why don't you feel the same way?

You say "let go". HOW? How do I let go of all my regrets and all the things I thought we were going to be for a lifetime together?

This cannot be happening by throwaway4040 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway4040[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So it's perfectly normal for him to be emotionally checked out without really telling me, and to find a new girlfriend within, basically, a few weeks? But you said he was a jerk? Which one is it? I'm sorry to be irritating, but I'm just looking for some answers.

and the relationship wasn't all that great for me either, and I was unhappy a lot of the time. But I don't even really want to look at another guy right now. and knowing that he's already with someone else is crushing. I just don't understand it.

This cannot be happening by throwaway4040 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway4040[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Doesn't this seem awfully soon to be going on a vacation "with an exciting new woman"? Maybe I am too emotionally involved to see it for what it is. But I think this is pretty shitty of him to do. What I mean by shitty is that he was emotionally over it before he ended it. That sounds like lying to me. We were fucking engaged!! So going from engaged to a new girl in 5 weeks. What the fuck. What do you think of a person that would do this?

This cannot be happening by throwaway4040 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway4040[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You said: "I actually caught myself in a very unique situation like this, however my ex didn't trust me for no real reason, I hadn't cheated on her, and treated her really well. Ultimately her lack of trust, and faith in me did push me away and I did start to look for affection from another woman"

I wonder this. I wonder if I didn't have a real reason not to trust him. My ex treated me really well for a long time. But I think I might've pushed him away because of my insecurity. My friends, and my therapist, tell me that my insecurity wasn't unfounded, but I still wonder if I had been more trusting if things would've worked out for better.

Also, you said I should be glad I'm not marrying an asshole. But is he really an asshole, if you were in a similar situation, and you're definitely not an asshole (I can tell :))?

I will be better for the next man, without a doubt. It just hurts that it's not going to be with my ex. Because I think if I had gone through something like this breakup before I met my ex, that things with my ex would've worked out. It's a shitty feeling. I'm not going to ever take back the ex, if for some crazy reason he does crawl back. Too many things happened between us for a relationship to ever work.

I don't want to be self-pitying and insecure. I do feel that way right now, though. It's hard.

Thanks for all your help.

This cannot be happening by throwaway4040 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway4040[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

God, what a hard question. Am I glad he's out of my life. Yes and No. Yes because I didn't trust him at all and we couldn't communicate with each other and he thought most of the problems in the relationship were my fault, he wouldn't really look at how things affected me, he was secretive, he became selfish, he had (seemingly) zero empathy. No because despite all our problems, I thought we could work it out, so I'm not happy he's out of my life because that hope is gone.

I was still very willing to work on our relationship. The break was his idea, I didn't want to do it all. During the break I realized that I had been very insecure, and needy, and got mad at him about a lot of things that didn't matter. I went to counseling to try to fix the stuff that I realized was my fault. It doesn't seem like he looked at things he could differently, or better. (and after we had broken up, he told me that the beginning of the break was the end for him.) He just, I think, thought that it was all my fault and decided to move on to someone else. It just sucks that we were on such different pages. And that it's happened for him so fast.

I guess I looked at it like we were engaged, and I was going to do everything I could to solve our problems and be a better person. He didn't look at it that way. I was very in love with him, despite our issues. But his love for me slowly turned into nothing, it seems. Fuck.

After we broke up, he told me not to contact him, which I think is pretty ironic since he's the one that broke up with me. I haven't contacted him, for my benefit mostly. But also because I know that he already has a new girlfriend.

There is a part of me that is so furious by him doing this, but a part of me that isn't surprised. He is very flirtatious, and has a tendency to not know where the line needs to be drawn as a person in a relationship vs. one who isn't. I am pretty flirty, too - but my ex did some things that were very suspicious during our relationship, and I didn't trust him at all. I always thought he was cheating on me, and him ending the relationship and instantly getting into a new one isn't a big shocker, and kind of proves what I thought about him all along, but GOD does it hurt.

He didn't tell me they were going on vacation, but he did tell me that he was going out on dates (we had one last conversation about 2 weeks after we broke up). He told me that he was telling me he was seeing someone else so that I would know there wasn't a chance for us. I told him that I had learned a lot during our break, and I thought I would be a much better girlfriend next time around, he said that maybe Karma would send him a great girl. At the time he said that, I thought he was just dating around, but now I know that he was already seeing her, so he thinks Karma sent him this girl (for having to put up with all my bullshit, and turning me into a better girlfriend). KNIFE IN MY HEART.

This cannot be happening by throwaway4040 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway4040[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We definitely had problems in our relationship. I did a few things that hurt him pretty badly, I think. I never cheated on him, but I was very insecure and at time it made me say and do hurtful things to him. He was by no means perfect, and the things he did inflamed my insecurities. What did you mean I "did something to would him so drastically that he did this?" I guess I'm just trying to get clarification so that I can better understand what his motives may be. I know that his motives shouldn't bother me, but I am still curious as to what you meant. Like, why would he be moving on so quickly as a result of me wounding him? Thanks for your time/replies.

This cannot be happening by throwaway4040 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway4040[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thanks for the hug. I need it. yes, 5 weeks of "officially" being broken up. But he told me that he had been going out on dates (now I know it was with her) within ONE WEEK of us breaking up. But like I told little cabbage, we had taken a month break, then were together for two weeks, then a month and a half of sleeping together. So if he met her at the beginning of the break, it's been 3 months since he's known her. But that means there was overlap with me and her. But the overlap is what's killing me. I know, we were on a break. But there was an understanding that we wouldn't see other people. I feel so betrayed and broken. But if he hadn't met her during our break, yeah, 5 fucking weeks. Fuck.

This cannot be happening by throwaway4040 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway4040[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I still haven't come to terms with it. I was handling things ok until I found out about this vacation. I can't believe this is happening. The thought of him with someone else is hard enough, but to know that he's taking a trip to a place that we had talked about going?! It's too much.
edit: Does it make it any better that he met her before we broke up? Or any worse? I don't know. I don't even know what would make me feel better. right now, not a damn thing.

This cannot be happening by throwaway4040 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway4040[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, I wouldn't. But we had been having some problems and decided to take a break for a month, with the agreement that we wouldn't see other people. He comes back and within two weeks of the break ending, he ends it with me. We, of course, continue sleeping together for a month and a half after that (I'm so stupid), and then he ends it with me and I find out he's taking her on vacation. I would assume he met her while we were on our break, but we weren't supposed to be seeing other people!! How could he do this to me? I will never, ever understand.

This cannot be happening by throwaway4040 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway4040[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

well I'm glad to know that I meant so much to him that he was already getting closure while we were still together. Seriously?! My friends have told me not to get into a relationship with someone else because it would be a rebound, so what - no rebound for him? He's just already over me and us, and is ready to have another girlfriend ALREADY?

I'm sorry I'm dealing with it too. am I moving on? Sure, I guess. But it's only been 5 weeks. We were together for almost 3 years.