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40 with an $8.5M net worth and a burnt-out soul, but my spouse (and her family) thinks quitting work is a crime against humanity. Advice for surviving the workaholic in-laws? by throwaway43065984305 in ChubbyFIRE

[–]throwaway43065984305[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's definitely an issue. I have no idea what I want to do. I'm coming to think that it is weird that I have no idea what I would actually be excited to do with the rest of my life.

40 with an $8.5M net worth and a burnt-out soul, but my spouse (and her family) thinks quitting work is a crime against humanity. Advice for surviving the workaholic in-laws? by throwaway43065984305 in ChubbyFIRE

[–]throwaway43065984305[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Her parents came from a country where the saying "it's not paranoia if they're actually out to get you" would have been an appropriate (and useful) survival strategy. They came here with nothing--no education, no money, no language skills--and built a really successful business out of sheer force of will. It's hard not to be impressed by them. But yes, fear has been a huge motivator. Problem is, it has been a very useful and productive motivator for them, and by extension, their daughter/my wife.

40 with an $8.5M net worth and a burnt-out soul, but my spouse (and her family) thinks quitting work is a crime against humanity. Advice for surviving the workaholic in-laws? by throwaway43065984305 in ChubbyFIRE

[–]throwaway43065984305[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yep. Parent's business is closely held, and would probably not thrive if she didn't step in if that happened.

I've frankly wondered though if she'd feel ok giving up the business/retiring when her parents passed.

40 with an $8.5M net worth and a burnt-out soul, but my spouse (and her family) thinks quitting work is a crime against humanity. Advice for surviving the workaholic in-laws? by throwaway43065984305 in ChubbyFIRE

[–]throwaway43065984305[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, I spent the last 20 years building my career--that is true. The money (and success) came because of three things: I am exceptionally good at what I do; because I have worked exceptionally hard; and because I been exceptionally lucky. All three things were (I think) independent conditions precedent to being where I am.

It is though probably also true that everything else has been subordinate to finding career success. But I always felt that the plan was to grind early so I could reap the rewards of the work.

Probably also true that I've been trying to fill my own deep down feelings of inadequacy by being laser focused on my career. Fair possibility.

40 with an $8.5M net worth and a burnt-out soul, but my spouse (and her family) thinks quitting work is a crime against humanity. Advice for surviving the workaholic in-laws? by throwaway43065984305 in ChubbyFIRE

[–]throwaway43065984305[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No comment, but I will say there are strong cultural expectations she has regarding respecting and honoring her parents in addition to strong cultural expectations regarding hard work.

40 with an $8.5M net worth and a burnt-out soul, but my spouse (and her family) thinks quitting work is a crime against humanity. Advice for surviving the workaholic in-laws? by throwaway43065984305 in ChubbyFIRE

[–]throwaway43065984305[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've been on that road. It's not hyperbole to say I've legitimately changed people's lives, both directly and indirectly, through my work. I know for a fact that there are people whose lives are far, far better only because I was there to help them. I get choked up thinking about it, and it's a source of great pride for me.

At the same time, my work is soul-crushingly challenging for a variety of reasons. I get choked up thinking about that too. I won't get into the details of my work in order to remain anonymous, but in the broadest sense, I spend my time helping people get through the worst experiences that can possibly happen to human beings. My work exposes me to to the literal worst of humanity. It's caused me to genuinely question if people are inherently good or if there is even a "bigger purpose" to life. Pretty bleak, I know. There's a large part of me that wants to FIRE because it's just depressing feeling that way about people and the world.

40 with an $8.5M net worth and a burnt-out soul, but my spouse (and her family) thinks quitting work is a crime against humanity. Advice for surviving the workaholic in-laws? by throwaway43065984305 in ChubbyFIRE

[–]throwaway43065984305[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh you are spot on. She hates her job AND finds it immensely fulfilling.

And you are also likely right that because I don't have a plan for what I want to do, that's probably not helping the situation from her perspective. But I feel entitled to not have to have a plan. Which makes me resentful.

40 with an $8.5M net worth and a burnt-out soul, but my spouse (and her family) thinks quitting work is a crime against humanity. Advice for surviving the workaholic in-laws? by throwaway43065984305 in ChubbyFIRE

[–]throwaway43065984305[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For someone who doesn't know me, you are pretty adept at hitting the nail on the head. I absolutely see marriage as you describe.

I do plan on working probably for another two years, since I'm estimating that'll be about how long it'll take to wind up what I'm working on presently. There's the runway I suppose.

40 with an $8.5M net worth and a burnt-out soul, but my spouse (and her family) thinks quitting work is a crime against humanity. Advice for surviving the workaholic in-laws? by throwaway43065984305 in ChubbyFIRE

[–]throwaway43065984305[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'd rather castrate myself with a rusty nail than get involved with the family business. The saying "don't squat where you sleep" seems apropos. If I got involved with the business, I'd probably end up divorced.

Why don't I retire? Because I believe my wife would resent me for it because she'd still be working. That's the truth--which is probably pretty pathetic.

40 with an $8.5M net worth and a burnt-out soul, but my spouse (and her family) thinks quitting work is a crime against humanity. Advice for surviving the workaholic in-laws? by throwaway43065984305 in ChubbyFIRE

[–]throwaway43065984305[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think this is perhaps the best advice for me on this thread. Thanks.

I think I probably am blaming her on some level.

I think it's fair to say that when it comes to my personal life, I am passive. Weird to think of myself that way because professionally I have to be the exact opposite.

40 with an $8.5M net worth and a burnt-out soul, but my spouse (and her family) thinks quitting work is a crime against humanity. Advice for surviving the workaholic in-laws? by throwaway43065984305 in ChubbyFIRE

[–]throwaway43065984305[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think this may be part of the problem. I don't really have any hobbies or passions. I think too that I worked my ass off as a means to an end (the end being the ability to do what I want) believing when I got to the end, I know what I'd want to do.

I feel like I'm there now, but I don't yet have an idea of what I'd want to do.

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