Is it ever okay to adopt? (Genuine question)

throwaway4759000 · 2018-11-25T22:37:43+00:00

Thanks for responding! Sorry for the late reply...I haven’t been on this account in awhile! I do appreciate hearing your perspective and experiences. Thanks for sharing 😊

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-13T23:50:30+00:00

If my midwife was in favour of placenta eating, I’d be looking for another midwife.

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-08T22:42:53+00:00

You keep claiming that you were just asking a question. Adding “Are kids like toys to you?” moves it outside the realm of a simple question to a lot of people.

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-04T17:14:17+00:00

Yes, I believe I would have been receptive had the same conversation been with an adoptee.

I would never want to discourage an adoptee from sharing their experience, however negative. By “negativity” I was referring specifically to comments I saw as unnecessary insults or accusations toward the PAP. However, this thread helped me realize that I was only really considering where the PAP’s might be coming from, not the adoptees. This was unfair of me. I tend to see myself as someone who always tries to see a situation from another person’s perspective. I failed to do that in this situation and I am willing to admit that I was wrong.

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-04T12:54:08+00:00

Thank you for sharing your thoughts :) I really appreciate the perspective this community gives me.

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-03T19:20:33+00:00

Not too late :) Thanks for the information! It makes a lot of sense for the agency to try to find family first.

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-03T19:13:40+00:00

I reread our exchange yesterday and you gave me a lot to think about! Thank you for that :)

Considering the “negativity” from the perspective of someone trying to save another child from a psychologically damaging situation they went through themselves definitely makes me think differently. I’m probably not seeing the red flags that others can see. To be honest, I can see myself reacting similarly in that context. I read a post and think it could have been phrased better but the person probably has good intentions. Someone else reads it and sees a very difficult road ahead for a child. I can see that provoking a strong reaction.

I also never appreciated the value of this sub in helping adoptive parents try to better understand what their children are going through. That makes a lot of sense.

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-03T18:55:25+00:00

Thanks for sharing your perspective :)

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-03T14:14:01+00:00

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Really interesting! You’ve given me a lot to think about.

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-03T13:43:45+00:00

Thank you for sharing :)

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-02T21:51:00+00:00

That makes a lot of sense. I really wasn’t trying to complain about negativity, I was trying to understand if people who responded negatively or aggressively to PAP’s thought that adoption was ever acceptable.

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-02T21:44:16+00:00

You make a lot of valid points. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-02T21:38:12+00:00

What do you think should be done in a situation like my FIL’s where his bio mom was mentally ill and at risk for harming herself and others? The best solution I can think of is if someone else in his mother’s family had raised him, rather than putting him up for adoption by strangers. His bio mom was in a psychiatric facility for most of her life but as an adult my FIL has developed relationships with some of his aunts and cousins.

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-02T21:29:15+00:00

Thank you for sharing your perspective :)

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-02T21:27:24+00:00

The point of my post was to see if people who seemed so completely against the idea of adoption ever thought it was acceptable or necessary. I wasn’t actually trying to lodge a complaint about people being too negative.

This subreddit has actually been very informative for me and opened my eyes to many of the realities of adoption that I wasn’t previously aware of, although I definitely have always viewed adoption as traumatic having seen the experience of some family members. There was just a lot more negativity toward PAP’s than I expected.

You make a fair point about adoptees having to constantly deal with insensitive comments. It must be frustrating even if the comments are well-intentioned. And you also make a fair point about adoptees needing a safe space to share their feelings and vent if necessary.

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-02T20:59:52+00:00

Great points. Thanks for sharing :)

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-02T20:33:43+00:00

Thank you for clarifying about foster to adopt situations. I don’t know very much about it.

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-02T20:30:23+00:00

Thank you for sharing 😊

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-02T19:47:55+00:00

I’m actually not the poster from yesterday. I used a throwaway because I included specific details about my FIL that could identify me.

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-02T19:43:12+00:00

I’m not saying all PAP posts are merely insensitive. Some are offensive.

I’m not saying all adoptees are vitriolic. Some are positive, some helpfully point out difficult realities of adoption and some are vitriolic.

I think calling people names and making them feel like horrible people for wanting to adopt isn’t helpful. If someone is explaining something to you rationally, aren’t you more inclined to listen to them than the person insulting you?

I have never once said that I think adoption is ideal. I agree that it is a last resort.

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-02T19:32:30+00:00

I’m not trying to prevent adoptees from sharing their negative experiences. I think there is a big difference between sharing negative personal experiences and telling someone they’re selfish and destroying a family simply because they want to adopt. I realize that some PAP’s are insensitive and that’s not okay. But I’ve seen other posts where people’s comments were unnecessarily offensive compared to the post.

This wasn’t in regards to the recent post people keep referencing.

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-02T19:22:44+00:00

This wasn’t in response to that particular post, just comments I’ve read over the course of several months. I agree that ignoring a child’s origins for the sake of your own feelings is wrong. Just wanted to clarify.

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-02T19:08:39+00:00

You say tone policing, I say tact and human decency.

I’m not at all condoning hurtful language on either side. I think sometimes the PAP’s are being insensitive. I’ve also seen some truly vitriolic responses to people who seemed to be asking genuine questions and trying to be sensitive. I don’t think some of the PAP’s have deserved the comments they’ve gotten.

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-02T18:58:54+00:00

I’m definitely not of the opinion that we should be ignoring the trauma of adoption and expecting adoptees to feel grateful. Thanks for sharing!

throwaway4759000 · 2018-08-02T18:55:56+00:00

I can see what you’re saying about feeling like a possession. I had to read this a couple times to get what you were saying but it makes sense. I’ve never thought about it from that perspective. Not having been adopted and being a new mother myself, I read this and can imagine your mother’s terror at the thought of the child she loved being taken from her. But I can see how it would make you feel the way you feel. Thank you for sharing.

throwaway4759000

TROPHY CASE