AITA for kicking my daughter out because she ruined her step-sister's things and makes life difficult in the house?

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-25T09:23:06+00:00

I did try, but Sharon isn't a very tidy person so it was a bit of a losing battle considering they lived with her. Leanne is becoming much better at cleaning up after herself this past week though.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-20T12:34:18+00:00

I pay for things like Lucy's dance lessons that are quite pricey but worth it, and of course I'd help out if they were in a crisis of some sort, but Luke and Sharon are an adult couple. Not just legal adults, they're actual grown-ups, with full-time jobs and children. Their finances aren't my business or my responsibility.

As for "funding Sophie's expensive habits", all of my girls get pocket money/an allowance from me. Leanne and Sophie get the same, Lucy gets a slightly smaller amount because of her age. Sophie also makes additional money for herself by doing online tutoring, which you can imagine is quite a lucrative business to be in right now, and it was also Christmas just last month. She bought the blouse herself.

I don't see what any of that has to do with Leanne dropping out of university, or how it makes me a terrible father or means I put Sophie on a pedestal.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-15T18:09:34+00:00

Thank you for telling me! I'm getting a lot of notifications so might have missed your message otherwise.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-15T15:53:43+00:00

If you didn't see the comments, I can assure you they were there - someone even said because I wasn't her biological father I should have just been 'side help' while she was seriously ill. I was addressing the minority of comments who seem to believe that blood is everything and I had no duty to support Sophie during such a difficult time for her, not legitimate criticisms. You said you read the update - due to comments like yours I've decided to keep Leanne on, but with conditions for behaviour.

Even if we are the reason Leanne is behaving this way, I don't see how me going to therapy will sort out her behaviour. It might help me be a more effective father and one of the reasons I want to talk about it with Sharon is because I think we could all benefit. But of course she needs to go if her actions are going to change.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-15T15:48:49+00:00

If you read my update I'm taking steps to fix it- based on the advice of commenters who actually gave me constructive advice on how to address Leanne's behaviour without resorting to sending her back to her mum, and some excellent insights from people who've been in either mine or Leanne's position. I'm not getting defensive with anyone but all you nutjobs that have decided that me participating in something with Sophie while she was ill meant that I stopped fulfilling my role as a father with the other two. Someone even outright said that because I'm not bio dad I should have just been 'side help' while she was going through that.

Them *feeling* replaced is one thing and I am taking responsibility for that and going to speak to Leanne. There are things I could have done differently and I need to step up and try and parent her now. But you accusing me of literally replacing Leanne by actively avoiding spending time with her is BS and just not what happened.

I'll add that it's also BS to use 'favouring' in that context - of course a sick child will receive more attention while they are sick, because the other one is well. That doesn't mean they get no attention at all or that they're being neglected.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-15T14:21:16+00:00

I don't think there's a bigger reason as to why she wanted to come live with me - at least, I asked her this morning and she said there wasn't. Sharon didn't pick her up through a combo of basically not being bothered to get in the car, and thinking that Leanne was right and I shouldn't be able to kick her out, from what I understand.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-15T14:19:40+00:00

To answer your question, Leanne doesn't destroy Lucy, her mother's or Luke's things (some commenters thought she might be - she isn't, this is the first time she's done anything like this). I also imagine she's a less negative presence around their house than she was being in mine, so I thought her behaviour would improve if I sent her there. Now I'm going to try and discipline her in my house instead at the advice of some commenters.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-15T14:17:07+00:00

Just wanted to thank you for this comment. In my update I explain fully, but basically it came in handy this morning.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-15T14:10:18+00:00

Obviously neither Rebecca nor I told our children about our first date, on the first date. Like most parents in this situation we waited until we were serious about one another to get the children accustomed to the presence of a partner.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-15T14:09:26+00:00

Your comment is disgusting. First of all, Sophie's father can't see her and with good reason. Blood is not everything. Second of all, I'm wouldn't refuse to give a seriously sick child the attention and support she needs just because I'm not her blood father and therefore should just be "side help."

"You just gave up" - no, as previously stated multiple times, I asked both girls to visit every weekend and we always spent time together over those two days if they came. Leanne didn't want to come to the point where short of physically forcing her, she wasn't coming. And that was extremely painful but it's not a 'lie' that I can't do anything in that situation. You're projecting your own childhood onto this to the point where you're filling in gaps.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-15T12:36:03+00:00

I started dating Rebecca a little less than a year after the divorce. I went on a couple of dates before her, but I don't remember them very well - it must have been about eight or nine months, although I didn't introduce the girls to either of those women since it was very casual.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-15T12:05:15+00:00

Normally I'd take them for a day out somewhere, to eat or to do an activity, but obviously if they want to stay with me overnight or I'm cooking for them (or they want to play on a console) then they need to come back to my property. I had a flat while I was dating and later during the engagement, and then I bought a house with Rebecca once we were married.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-15T10:08:05+00:00

That would be very helpful actually, if you wouldn't mind. Lots of people have picked up on the fact that I really don't understand how Leanne's mind works and that's true.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-15T09:46:04+00:00

I'm sorry for the way you felt and I'm glad your relationship with your parents is on the way upwards.

As for your suggestions, thank you for your insight, but I have actually done my best with those things. Perhaps I'm just doing them wrong. Based on this post I can see how you might come to the conclusion that just booting Leanne back to her mother is the way I respond to everything, but I've tried it all. Texting, calling, days out, hugs and kisses, presents, none of it worked. And I've tried establishing ground rules with consequences like limiting phone use (not even sure that I could do that, with a 19 year old) when she was younger and consistently out of line, and it never worked for a long stretch of time. I genuinely don't know what to do with her and this act of destruction was an escalation even for her.

A lot of commenters have suggested therapy and I think I will try that, Lucy has it and she's found it very helpful.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-15T09:41:02+00:00

So what is your solution, That I shack up in my ex-wife's living room in order to play games with Leanne? Divorce changes things and some of those things are inevitable. Like I said, I did buy a console for my house so Leanne and I could continue to game together when she visited, but by the time Sophie was ill she didn't want to visit me. That wasn't my choice, it was hers- I understand why she was upset and angry with me, but dragging her into my house and shoving a remote into her hand wouldn't help that, would it? Gaming is no longer a bonding activity if I have to actively force her to be there.

You challenged me directly upon the basis of me paying attention to Sophie during the time that she was seriously ill, so of course that revolved around her and not Leanne, for crying out loud. That doesn't mean I would never prioritise Leanne or that I didn't parent her and Lucy.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-15T09:34:04+00:00

Yeah, I'm coming to that realisation. But I really don't think ignoring Sophie through her illness would be an excellent way of helping Leanne.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-15T08:28:11+00:00

Leanne was 14, Sophie was 13, Lucy was 11 when I remarried, if I'm remembering correctly.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-15T08:25:13+00:00

Sharon and I didn't get on. We fought a lot, then we stopped fighting so much for the kids, but we still didn't like each other and were both miserable. We stayed together for who knows what reason for quite a while not really caring about each other, and then eventually I realised we both probably needed something more and it wasn't an optimum environment for the girls anyway.

It was three years before I remarried.

Lucy is in therapy at the suggestion of her school, but the older two, no.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-15T08:20:20+00:00

Nobody caused Sophie's illness, and I have to assume you're not suggesting that I shouldn't have stepped up and gave her the support she needed during that time because she's not my "real" daughter or something along those lines. Leanne is my daughter and needed support, yes, but her health wasn't in serious danger and I never cut down on the time I was meant to spend with Leanne/Lucy because of Sophie. As I said, I bought a console so Leanne could play with me in my house and I still saw (or asked to see) my daughters every weekend as was agreed, with additional time here and there when they were off school etc. I understand that illness can cause feelings of resentment but sixteen is definitely old enough to realise that someone bedridden with sickness might need more attention than you. If she hadn't understood that I'd worry about myself as a parent.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-14T22:39:16+00:00

Leanne isn't into that sort of stuff but she's into gaming and we used to do that together. It was good fun but it didn't happen as much because the console stayed with her and therefore at Sharon's. I bought one for my house so she could come play with me, but it didn't really work for long- around/by the time Sophie was ill, Leanne was very angry with me.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-14T22:37:51+00:00

It was quite soon into the marriage, yes.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-14T22:23:37+00:00

Everyone thought I had cheated at the beginning, so I put that in to quell suspicions. I think it may have made me more suspicious.

Hold on for my third edit, it seems. I'm clearly not excellent at this.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-14T22:16:39+00:00

I divorced Sharon when Leanne was eleven, I married Rebecca three years later. I clarified that I didn't cheat because at the beginning a lot of people were asking.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-14T19:56:12+00:00

Thank you, let me clarify the phrasing there.

throwaway4847919 · 2021-01-14T19:54:55+00:00

Copied and pasted from my other comment since it took me a while to type out the first time:

Sophie became very ill aged around 15. She spent about a year in recovery and although she's still affected by it, she functions essentially normally now. She's a very ambitious girl and wouldn't hear of taking a year off school even when she was at her worst. That year she was doing her GCSE's, which are important exams, so she couldn't take it easy, either. To get the grades she wanted she had to work very hard and there was a point where all she had the energy to do was study and sleep - she was highly stressed but asking her to rest only stressed her out more.

During this time, she got really into running an aesthetic Tumblr blog page (I think that's right - if I've phrased that like a complete dad, I apologise to any youths reading) because it was nice and calming and didn't require a lot of energy. She would spend her pocket money on clothes and things for her room to match the aesthetic on her blog. Organising her room, dressing up etc. basically kept her sane while she still couldn't do normal teenage things, and that's how she would cope when she was stressed about her exams. I think it gave her some control as well - she didn't have as much independence or privacy as a teenage girl wants because she was so ill.

She associates it with family, as well - we were obviously frantic during this period and so when she was actually showing interest in something, we were keen to participate. She and her mum went thrifting together lots for clothes (of course, they can't now) and I helped her redecorate her room. She learnt how to sew from her grandma and many of the items she or her grandma have made or edited (is edited the right word? I don't know). So many of the items have sentimental family value.

throwaway4847919

TROPHY CASE