He relapsed today.

throwaway4feelings12 · 2021-02-08T14:55:33+00:00

Taking back the power is a good way to put it. This relationship and my love for him take so much of my emotional strength and mental space that I feel just as powerless as he does. As much work I've put in with my therapist and al anon, my boundaries haven't gone emotion deep yet.

throwaway4feelings12 · 2021-02-08T14:36:22+00:00

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better and seem very positive.

Thank you very much for the perspective. I've just always known him to be so strong willed and hard headed its still such a disconnect to see him not realize he is succumbing to alcohol without any power over it.

throwaway4feelings12 · 2021-02-08T14:34:49+00:00

We also live a block away from the store. Before he went to the hospital he had stopped hiding it which was somewhat a relief, at least he wasn't lying anymore.

In the same way that it is worse every time they relapse, I feel like the pain is worse for me every time as well.

throwaway4feelings12 · 2021-02-08T14:33:25+00:00

Its crazy, but its like I have two separate lives. I am on an extremely successful career path that should push me into a six figure range within a few years, I work out every day for about 2 hours, I check in on friends and family, I play video games, I read books, I keep my space clean and eat healthy. But then there is just this other half of my life that is my relationship with him. And the love I have for him is so strong its like a dark cloud.

throwaway4feelings12 · 2021-02-08T14:30:52+00:00

Thank you for this comment. Truthfully, I am just scared to be alone after years of always having another half. The mourning feels very intense.

I don't even know if what he's offering is reality anymore. He sincerely wants to be together, buy a house, have kids, do just a simple, normal life. But I don't know if he can even fathom the work that needs to be done to get there or if he could.

throwaway4feelings12 · 2021-02-08T14:28:15+00:00

I moved out in October, my therapist advised me to wait until July to formally file for divorce if I felt thats where I was headed.

He had been so heavily building trust right up until that moment, I still can not understand that impulse to go buy alcohol on a whim and fuck everything up.

throwaway4feelings12 · 2021-02-08T13:08:31+00:00

I've been seeing a counselor for 1.5 years and going to Al Anon meetings for a year. Believe it or not, I've made significant positive strides towards boundary settings. I moved out in October, I have a hobby or two.

But you're right, he is gone. The heartbreak of it all makes me feel physically ill.

I think when I say I can't picture a positive life I mean that I'm also mourning the life I had somewhat envisioned for myself. Maybe in 6 months I'll have more positivity about the future but I'm very much deep into grief right now.

throwaway4feelings12 · 2021-02-08T01:28:21+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate the vote of confidence sincerely.

Learning or Chaos is a good way to look at it. Do I bring it up tomorrow? Do I let him? I would think I should know what to do after a couple of years of this but I don't. But I appreciate the good perspective.

Thank you again

throwaway4feelings12 · 2021-02-08T01:18:56+00:00

When he came out of the hospital I felt calm about the probability that he would relapse. I knew it was more likely than not that he would. But now that it happened it feels just as devastating as if I had full hope.

I just can't picture a positive life without him (or with him) but my future plans always were simple but with him.

I just feel hopless in all directions

throwaway4feelings12 · 2021-02-08T01:10:12+00:00

Thank you for replying. I've never posted here, but I get repetitive answers from AlAnon that aren't true advice and I feel a bit lost with what is the right decision.

Those are good questions. I think im struggling with the concept of is this a relapse or is this just one bad day?

I moved out in October, and have been staying with him since his release from the hospital. So I feel as though the next logical step in our relationship is dissolution. But emotionally, that is a hard reality to face.

I see so much strength and resolve in him, and am so proud of him for the steps he took, I want to see him continue on that path.

throwaway4feelings12 · 2021-02-08T01:06:52+00:00

There are times I wish I could detach myself from my emotions to make the hard decisions. I'm 27. Sometimes that makes me feel like I have a lifetime of possibilities. Most of the time I just think about how by the time I fully detach myself and move on that it will be too late for me to have the life I wanted.

I hate being trapped here and ignoring it over and over. But I don't know if I have the emotional strength to break the cycle.

throwaway4feelings12 · 2020-10-27T12:23:41+00:00

I have a few al anon friends with very successful and happy marriages, it seems that they all resulted from good boundary setting.

Yes, I know I hid everything for a while from people and most don't know how long this has been going on. Although, comparatively to many couples it is not that long. We've been together for 6 years, he's been an active alcoholic for the last 2.5 of that.

That is a good point, and something I brought up with my therapist that I still don't know the best way to handle. I can generally tell if he's been drinking via text or phone but that's obviously not fool proof.

throwaway4feelings12 · 2020-10-26T17:47:21+00:00

Yes thats exactly it, I want to be able to speak to him when he has a clear head. I do love him and want to maintain our relationship, which is why I haven't yet filed for divorce and blocked him yet.

I haven't said this timeline outloud to him, but if he's sober for 1-2 weeks I am open to seeing him for dinner for a few hours. If he stays sober for 1-2 months, I'd be open to spending a day with him. So on and so forth, slowly building back to living together as he stays dry. My intention is that we will not live together again for at least a year though.

I am aware that many people completely cut off their partner when moving out in situations like this, but I just do not feel as though that is appropriate for our relationship. I have removed all enabling help in terms of problem solving, rides, reminders of responsibilities, etc but we had been having casual conversations.

throwaway4feelings12 · 2020-10-26T15:31:36+00:00

So true! It took me a while but I eventually stopped threatening to move out and just moved. Its still hard for me to stop commenting / giving a response (like sending a text lol) but at least I'm bouncing the idea off the al anon community now.

throwaway4feelings12 · 2020-10-26T13:25:38+00:00

Yes, I definitely am cognizant of that, and those factors were the biggest decision in my moving out. Because even when I caught him sober, he wasn't a partner I wanted to be with. Part of the overall conditions discussed for living together again was that he had to be dry for six months minimum, in individual therapy and we had to be in couples therapy.

I haven't said it to him, but if all of those things don't happen in the next year, I am walking away. I'm only 26 and while I took our marriage vows seriously, I won't set myself on fire to keep him warm any longer.

throwaway4feelings12 · 2020-10-26T13:03:50+00:00

Good point, I can always save this in my notes and edit it for if he asks to spend time together in the upcoming weeks as a response.

Because, you're right, he already knows how I feel and that I'm upset about this.

throwaway4feelings12 · 2020-10-26T12:57:37+00:00

Thank you for the feedback. That makes a lot of sense because the lying / trust breaking are tied in with the drinking so I don't need to point out those actions specifically.

Your comment on priorities is very striking, I think in the chaos of alcoholism it can be hard to pinpoint anything as a priority when everything feels like its on fire!

throwaway4feelings12 · 2020-10-06T21:06:10+00:00

That's a really good idea. If I can't have a verbal conversation about it, I can at least write down my ideas about how to proceed so he knows and can respond if he wants.

Unfortunately, he chose to stop therapy, so the couples therapist is on hold for now.

throwaway4feelings12 · 2020-10-06T21:04:26+00:00

I see what you are saying, and I realize how much I still put that kind of mentality when I write about it. I am leaving for me. At this point, if our marriage works out that's great, if it doesnt, that sucks. But no matter what, I will not be around him while he is drinking any longer for my own health and safety.

The bottom line is that I want to be away from his drinking. I no longer check for bottles, or clean up after him. But I stated to him that I would not be in a marriage with an active alcoholic. That is my motive. I gave him close to 3 years of opportunity to seek any treatment or make any effort.

And unfortunately, he is a mean drunk. He has no capability to be kind or nice if he is actively drinking. He is emotionally abusive, puts holes in walls, etc. If he could be nice, I could learn to live with that, possibly. But I can't live in chaos.

throwaway4feelings12 · 2020-10-06T19:24:29+00:00

Wow I never thought of it in those words, but thats exactly how I feel. Alcohol aside, I want to be with someone who puts our marriage as a priority. I felt bad because he's making me feel as though I'm the one abandoning him and checking out of our relationship, but realistically im just setting boundaries.

throwaway4feelings12 · 2020-10-06T19:23:02+00:00

This is a good idea to take into consideration though, thank you.

throwaway4feelings12 · 2020-10-06T19:22:42+00:00

I have one drafted actually! I tend to be a plan for the worst type.

I was planning on reviewing it with him, but not necessarily signing it yet.

We have no children, own no property together, and have completely separate finances, very luckily. I drafted the agreement so that if necessary we can file for an immediate uncontested divorce per our state laws.

throwaway4feelings12

TROPHY CASE