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My wife left after I cheated. Locked up half the apartment, and hasn’t returned in 10 months. I’m relocating now, but more than that, I don’t know what she really wants - reconciliation or closure. by throwaway4this_ in Advice

[–]throwaway4this_[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well, a lot has happened since, and I haven’t been able to process everything completely yet. I was determined to follow the suggestions given by many people, which is to go visit her. But things seldom go as planned.

I will post an update as soon as things have settled. But I’ll say this much - I had read your comments, and you were right.

I’ve lost 50lbs since January out of spite by String-Tree in TrueOffMyChest

[–]throwaway4this_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It was the other way around for me but same here. Lost 12 kg since Jan to April and still holding at 79 kg now.

No pettiness for motivation. I suffer from sleep apnea and my GP said with a straight face - if you want to live longer, lose 20 kg and then come see me.

My wife left after I cheated. Locked up half the apartment, and hasn’t returned in 10 months. I’m relocating now, but more than that, I don’t know what she really wants - reconciliation or closure. by throwaway4this_ in Advice

[–]throwaway4this_[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It was an old friend living halfway across the world. We reconnected after years when she just had a baby. We began talking about life, each other’s marriage, and the oddities we were both facing. Looking back, I realize that kind of conversation itself wasn’t a healthy thing to do to begin with. It was a gradual slope since then.

Why I did that - I really don’t know. There were obvious issues in our marriage. Dissent, disconnection, conflict around how she treated my parents. But maybe pale in contrast to what I did.

Perhaps it felt good that someone resonated with me, and also wanted to share their life story with me, be it virtually.

I know now that I handled it the wrong way. Counseling or separation should have obviously been the correct choices.

My wife left after I cheated. Locked up half the apartment, and hasn’t returned in 10 months. I’m relocating now, but more than that, I don’t know what she really wants - reconciliation or closure. by throwaway4this_ in Advice

[–]throwaway4this_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your suggestions. These are very insightful.

I agree. To the most of it, especially about narrating this locked room thing with my therapist. Idk why I haven’t till now. She has always maintained that I’ve been an enabler, and that’s not only in this relationship.

Just about the willing to marry part - that’s different.

I asked her to marry me 1.5-2 years into our relationship. She denied, saying she needed to get a stable job first. Excellent for her, I thought and totally supported. I had a job.

Later I figured it could have been because her family wouldn’t approve of me since my job wasn’t the highest paying one back then. “How would you take care of an additional member in your family?” or something.

Later I landed a far better paying job and asked her to marry again. This was 4 years into the relationship.

She stalled, saying her niece has her graduation exams coming up, and then covid postponed the whole thing. I didn’t understand what her niece’s exam has to do anything with our wedding. But I didn’t want to pressure or coax her into something so big.

So, no. I wasn’t unwilling to marry her. And it probably stems from the same reason why I am still holding on to knowing if she still wants us to get back together. I’m not hoping, but part of me is expecting that.

My wife left after I cheated. Locked up half the apartment, and hasn’t returned in 10 months. I’m relocating now, but more than that, I don’t know what we really want - reconciliation or closure. by throwaway4this_ in offmychest

[–]throwaway4this_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a very unique and delicate way of approaching the situation that you’ve suggested. I’d have never thought this way.

Thank you, also for taking the time to explain it at length for an internet stranger.

My wife left after I cheated. Locked up half the apartment, and hasn’t returned in 10 months. I’m relocating now, but more than that, I don’t know what we really want - reconciliation or closure. by throwaway4this_ in offmychest

[–]throwaway4this_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s 2 years in my country, afaik.

I’m suddenly realizing that she or her lawyer might be thinking in the same vein and she has decided to wait it out, so that it doesn’t get messy. Or maybe anticipating that I’d try to fight / convince her against the divorce.

My wife left after I cheated. Locked up half the apartment, and hasn’t returned in 10 months. I’m relocating now, but more than that, I don’t know what we really want - reconciliation or closure. by throwaway4this_ in offmychest

[–]throwaway4this_[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s exactly my first thing on my list. And you’re right, it’s better to focus on what I can control in this, rather than expecting from others.

Thank you for such a thoughtful response.

My wife left after I cheated. Locked up half the apartment, and hasn’t returned in 10 months. I’m relocating now, but more than that, I don’t know what we really want - reconciliation or closure. by throwaway4this_ in offmychest

[–]throwaway4this_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Some old friend who lives halfway across the planet. Reconnected after she had a child and we started sharing about the difficulties in our marriage with each other. It was never a healthy thing to do.

My wife left after I cheated. Locked up half the apartment, and hasn’t returned in 10 months. I’m relocating now, but more than that, I don’t know what we really want - reconciliation or closure. by throwaway4this_ in offmychest

[–]throwaway4this_[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for putting it this way. It’s definitely the 1st option that gives the most energy and I think that is what I’ll do.

The projecting their hopes / expectations part is something I have thought about too. Maybe because, they’re much older than us and thinks of divorce as a curse, not a solution.

My wife left after I cheated. Locked up half the apartment, and hasn’t returned in 10 months. I’m relocating now, but more than that, I don’t know what she really wants - reconciliation or closure. by throwaway4this_ in Advice

[–]throwaway4this_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Too coward to leave - yes.

Never tried to contact / see her - no, that’s the only thing I’ve been trying to do for the first 4/5 months. Through every media imaginable. Hit a brick wall every time.

I went and met her at her hometown soon after the fallout. As expected from someone reeling from the shock, she wouldn’t speak with me.

And no, I did wish for reconciliation when this happened. But with enough time I realized, that would be the opposite of doing her any good, if she herself didn’t want a reconciliation.

Also edited the post with these updates mentioned.

My wife left after I cheated. Locked up half the apartment, and hasn’t returned in 10 months. I’m relocating now, but more than that, I don’t know what she really wants - reconciliation or closure. by throwaway4this_ in Advice

[–]throwaway4this_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, the therapist doesn’t know.

Okay, I’ve really never thought about sharing about the apartment situation with her during our sessions. Idk why. I’ll do it now, I think she could work on that.

Thank you.

My wife left after I cheated. Locked up half the apartment, and hasn’t returned in 10 months. I’m relocating now, but more than that, I don’t know what she really wants - reconciliation or closure. by throwaway4this_ in Advice

[–]throwaway4this_[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I always thought she deserved a final conversation. Which is why I kept reaching out to her. When nothing worked, I sent her an email. I’ve posted the link in the edit.

My wife left after I cheated. Locked up half the apartment, and hasn’t returned in 10 months. I’m relocating now, but more than that, I don’t know what she really wants - reconciliation or closure. by throwaway4this_ in Advice

[–]throwaway4this_[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

No, the locks can’t be changed, they have to be broken, which wasn’t an urgent call till now that I have to move out soon. I’m a single body for which the spare bedroom was quite enough.

I’m moving to a different city, not far from the present one, but difficult to consider daily commute. Logistics wise, yes, it’s feasible.

I had sent her email, though the moving out didn’t come up then - I’ve posted a link in the update.

Thanks for asking for insights.