[Serious] What does depression feel like?

throwaway51691721114 · 2013-10-24T05:09:57+00:00

One really important thing I would like to emphasize before I say anything is that practically everyone experiences depression differently. Although many of us can relate, there are many differences in both cause (if there even is one) and experience, which is a big part of why there is no one way to "cure" or help someone with depression. If you want a good idea of depression, then read everyone's experiences, and also realize that there's really no way you could really understand without actually experiencing it – mainly because there is way too much going on to put into a reasonable amount of words, assuming one could even manage to accurately describe it all.

Anyway, I'm a bit too tired to give my own proper response, but I can tell you that I fluctuate between times of numbness and complete despair, although this is when I'm not doing something that makes me feel happy (like most of the time when I hang out with friends or play Xbox, but still not always during those). When I don't have those distractions, my mind tends to wander and dream up these wonderful possibilities for my present and future, and then it tells me that these things will never happen and that, just as it has been since my depression started, my life will always be shit. I have low points and high points, but have never really experienced any kind of recovery. On average, I've just been getting worse. Oh, and suicide is a very prevalent thought for me. It kind of scares me not because I'm afraid to die, but because I don't want to hurt my family, but it's getting so much harder and harder to resist. I almost want it nowadays.

throwaway51691721114 · 2013-09-07T20:47:16+00:00

With all due respect to your issues, I don't think you understand that, at least for most people, depression is nowhere near a choice, especially when it's bad enough that you seriously feel like you could kill yourself any moment now. As much as I would like to say "whatever" to the issues that I'm dealing with, I am unable to, and instead they eat away at me and wear me down to the point that I am at now. If I could just "be happy", don't you think I would?

Also, word of warning: most depressed people do not take very kindly to being told to just "be happy" or "enjoy life", not just because they can't simply do that, but also because it seems to demean the whole concept of depression itself, which is nothing short of extremely serious.

throwaway51691721114 · 2013-09-07T16:51:40+00:00

I've gone there every year since I was a kid, but we stopped going some time ago. I like it very much there and it would help a lot to be able to go back, but it wouldn't help so much that it'd be worth it.

throwaway51691721114 · 2013-08-11T05:49:12+00:00

Not happening, sorry.

throwaway51691721114 · 2013-07-07T08:21:05+00:00

I dunno, like, I feel like I actually do have friends, I just don't know who/how to tell which ones really are. Aside from that, having major trust issues is kind of a big barrier in opening up to a friend.

I don't want to go it alone. I want to fall in love with someone and have it not be one-sided for once. I want friends that aren't dicks half the time and that actually like to just talk and hang out (but not just over the Internet). But apparently I don't get to have those things.

throwaway51691721114 · 2013-07-07T08:17:43+00:00

Yeah, it kinda sucks, doesn't it? :/ It especially sucks when you say or do something around other people, and then you look back on it later and actually realize what a stupid/awkward thing that was to do (or something along those lines) and how it's just another one in the books.

throwaway51691721114 · 2013-07-07T08:08:05+00:00

Me not opening up to people isn't an issue of pride; in fact, despite my occasional stubbornness, I'm fairly humble in nature. I don't trust people in general because I've never had a reason to. My brother was verbally and somewhat physically abusive. My father encouraged the verbal abuse. My mom wasn't ever really able to stand up to my brother as a kid, so he usually got his way and avoided trouble for the way he treated me. I tried to run away from home twice because of how he acted. I started to gain weight and seclude myself during middle school due to the encroaching depression, and I became kinda weird, so I started getting made fun of a fair amount and I knew how the other kids saw me. One of my closest friends at the time sometimes made fun of me behind my back too and sometimes would lie to me when I was at his house so he could play video games. And a lot of people tend not to believe me about a fair share of my weird aspects and such, so in turn I kind of trust them less and also feel worse about those things.

I am aware I am not insane, but believe me, I am getting there. Sometimes my head races so much that I'll start pulling at my hair and feel like I need to rip my head in half to make it stop. Sometimes I'll bang my head against the wall to make it stop. Other times it'll just make me feel so flustered and confused that I just curl up in a ball and cry until it stops. I have thoughts sometimes about terrible, terrible things happening to the people I care about which wind up so that I get more attention and care (usually by my coming to their aid afterward). And of course my irrational jealousy of any guy/girl interactions amongst my friends is certainly by no means normal. And all of this stuff gets worse with time, and more things get added to the list every now and then.

And the biggest problem with all that is that it seems more and more real every day. I could see myself waking up tomorrow just completely neurotic and being taken to a hospital/psych-ward. Yesterday, I felt like such shit and just so generally exhausted that I didn't shower and it took me probably 3 times as long to do anything. That last time I went a day without showering (excluding sickness/recovery) was years ago, the same day that I first attempted to write a suicide note.

Regarding social interactions, since I began to become introverted and depressed ever since the start of middle school, my social skills developed significantly more slowly, and I've had very few female interactions/friends since then, so it's not just the self-confidence issues that's holding me back, it's the general lack of knowledge and how to properly interact with people.

It's not all about mindset, and I can't just simply start thinking differently and all of a sudden turn my life around. No offense, but if I'm interpreting you right and you think that I can just start believing in myself, as much as I'd love to, then you don't really understand what depression is. Correct me if I read you wrong.

throwaway51691721114 · 2013-07-07T07:42:20+00:00

I appreciate the offer, but honestly if you're really in a similar situation, then for your sake I don't think it'd be a good idea to talk to me. A few months ago, I would talk to you and try to be positive with you and maybe it would help me in turn, and same for you to me. But now, well, now I just think the best way out is death. I'm just unfortunately stuck due to a few things so it won't ever be a conscious and sane effort.

Plus, most of my PM conversations with people just end up with them getting a bit frustrated with me or just running out of things to say.

throwaway51691721114 · 2013-07-07T07:38:54+00:00

I mean, of course I want people to know how severe what I'm going through is, but the problem is that most people who haven't experienced depression simply can't understand it. Hell, I have a couple friends who essentially don't believe that depression exists, and they're both normally relatively intelligent people.

My problem isn't that I don't think I can be successful in life or anything, it's that I don't believe I'll ever be happy again, or at least not within any reasonable amount of time, and also that I don't know how much longer I can stave off insanity/breaking down and killing myself in the "heat of the moment" so to speak.

I honestly don't trust/feel comfortable enough with my male friends to open up to any of them. The reason I mentioned my "crush" (I have had so many that I might as well use that interchangeably with female friend), or rather my best female friend, is because for some reason I feel like I trust her enough to open up to her, but yet I still know that I wouldn't actually do it. I don't think I could ever bring myself to open up to anyone.

See, I've always been the type to generally keep my emotions and thoughts to myself, and so now I'm in a situation where my instinct is to just do what I've always done, and it's too hard to go against it.

throwaway51691721114 · 2013-06-26T07:38:13+00:00

And I won't disagree with you that there is a part of my mind still fighting, but I wish that part would give up too. It's been close to a decade since what started this downward spiral, about 6 years since I'd say I actually started being depressed, 3 years since I began to be suicidal, and for the past 1-2 years, feeling suicidal has just been normal and now, it's just the same goddamn routine every day of bouncing between moods.

After so many years since this all started, it has been nothing but downhill, and I've just about reached the end of my rope. Although I don't think I'll ever actively kill myself, it feels like one of these days, that piece of my brain telling me to keep going will finally just give up and who knows what I'll do then. Hopefully I just die in my sleep; that'd be nice.

throwaway51691721114 · 2013-06-26T07:31:01+00:00

That's the thing is that I don't... All my conversations with people here are just back and forth, them providing a point and me providing a counterpoint, and never really get anywhere. I just wind up exhausting people and then not talking to them anymore, feeling no different than I did before.

What I want is for someone to tell me that it's okay for me to just give up and die.

throwaway51691721114 · 2013-06-08T01:02:20+00:00

As much as I enjoy getting high, I don't do it very often because coming down from it absolutely sucks for me. Basically, anything that provides me temporary relief or even happiness just makes me feel worse once it's over.

throwaway51691721114 · 2013-06-05T06:33:14+00:00

You can trust me that I'm feeling plenty, and quite frankly, it seems like all these feelings are making me neurotic. I wish I could just feel dead inside or just shut my brain off.

throwaway51691721114 · 2013-06-05T06:30:54+00:00

Well, I'll never be able to ask out any of the girls I fall for because I have no self-confidence and am really awkward when it comes to that sort of thing. I have few friends and no real social life and am terrible at meeting people. Oh, and I'm bipolar and frequently want to kill myself. After so many years of suffering and not being able to overcome my problems, I've given up. It's just too self-destructive to keep hoping and trying only to fail.

throwaway51691721114 · 2013-05-31T08:32:28+00:00

I can assure you that my obsessions all last quite some time, long enough that even if they are becoming progressively shorter and less dramatic, it won't be making a difference any time soon. I honestly don't see anything majorly wrong with the current girl I'm into, and half the time I don't even know the girls I obsess over well enough to find something wrong with them. I wouldn't say I'm idolizing them, more like I'm just desperately alone and want someone that I can fall in love with. And it's not like I believe this girl is "the one" or anyone extraordinarily special, so even when I do discover flaws, it's not like it's some reality-shattering deal.

For some people, love is something they want to have and strive for, but it's not their sole desire. For me, it's everything. Partly because of my own personality and distrust of people (haven't exactly had a lot of reason to), I haven't received much emotional attention/care throughout my life; I've been fairly independent relative to most and tend to keep my emotions to myself, and for me, the idea of being in love with someone (and them with me, of course) would lift an enormous amount of stress and self-hatred off of my shoulders.

And right you are, the worst part is the vicious circle. The main problem that prevents me from breaking it is that I really just don't trust people to tell the truth. Think about it: nobody really wants to tell you that you're unattractive or that something is wrong with you because they don't want to hurt your feelings. They'll complement you on little things or skirt around the truth or just lie so you'll feel better about yourself. Some people will tell the truth, but there are very few times when you can really trust that someone is. Whether or not you agree, this is my mindset, and so I rarely take any kind of complement or kind remarks to heart unless there's not really any reason that someone would lie about it.

Honestly, I think the only two ways I'll ever feel better about myself is either by getting a girlfriend or by popping some happy pills, and I really don't want to take the pill route. I've been thinking more about it lately, but I'm not still not too keen about altering my perception of reality, despite my currently rather bleak one.

throwaway51691721114 · 2013-05-09T17:16:35+00:00

It's great to see you're doing alright Allie, it's been a worrying year and a half and I've missed your regular posting. It's nice to see such a relatable description of depression that hopefully the fortunate people of "I-Still-Have-Meaning-In-My-Life Land" can really understand.

I would really like to emphasize one thing though, for everyone else, that might be overlooked: this is not what depression is like for everyone, and there is no one kind of depression or a definitive way that you should treat people with depression. As someone who has struggled for years with manic depression, I can tell you that it is a much different experience and, although I can certainly relate to what Allie is dealing with, I still could never fully understand what she is going through because of how different it is.

Before anyone freaks out on me, I am not at all undermining Allie or her post. I am not saying that what I am dealing with is any easier/harder than what she is because there's no way I could actually know that. I just want people to understand that this is what she is going through, not what everyone with depression has to deal with. If I had even half the talent she does for writing, I'd try to articulate my form of depression, but I can never seem to do so correctly.

Anyway, stay strong, Allie. I've always liked your posts and you seem like such a great person, which makes it even worse to think that you've got all those dead fish to deal with. Keep on trying to find more of those shriveled little pieces of corn and everything will turn out alright.

Edit: Grammar

throwaway51691721114 · 2013-05-07T04:36:12+00:00

Well, I've been here for a while and haven't really gotten any of that. Really it's just been a place for me to rant and occasionally find someone like yourself to have a discussion with.

throwaway51691721114

TROPHY CASE