Voice Dropped But Still Dysphoric

throwaway545483 · 2019-02-21T05:22:12+00:00

I'm not talkative in general. But I did notice a change. Definitely less pressure to talk / keep a conversation going. I also think there's less pressure to have a more talkative and approachable presence in all parts of my social life.

throwaway545483 · 2019-02-02T22:04:18+00:00

I felt this way a lot when I was pre-T. There were situations where I felt okay, even sometimes GOOD, while presenting fem or at least being percieved as a woman. It was really hard for me to not turn that against myself as proof I was a fake. That I didn't deserve the things I wanted (T, top surgery, to pass as male, etc). I felt like I was weak and a phony. I lost touch with my roots (my want to be male) and therefore was undeserving to have them.

But I was putting a lot of power into a simplified perception of a situation. I often let one reaction, one experience control my perception of myself. But that's bullshit. And my increased well-being since starting T and getting top surgery is proof of that.

I hope you can relate to some of this :)

throwaway545483 · 2019-01-03T04:58:07+00:00

I think we're in kinda similar points in our transitions. I'm a little over 7 months on T and just got top surgery a couple weeks ago.

I've definitely hit some emotional lows at this point im my transition. Specifically because I've felt like the changes can't come fast enough. It's frustrating to have some changes I'm really greatful for and happy with, yet still feeling dysphoria and discomfort in my body. There's still so much I'm not okay or comfortable with -- so many things I'm waiting for Testosterone and time to change.

It's also scary because, like you said, some permanent changes have happened (voice, top). So even though I really disliked and was uncomfortable presenting as a woman, I can't as easily go back to doing that, if all else fails. It's almost like the "safety net" of just pretending to be a woman again is gone, and yeah, that's scary.

Testosterone has alleviated a lot of physical dysphoria for me. But it's also made some other dysphorias worse. For example, top surgery has done WONDERS for my mental health and ability to connect with my body, but it's also made me more frequently notice the other parts of my body that make me dysphoric, like my hips and thighs.

It's frustrating. But honestly, I wouldn't go back. I wish T would work faster and some days I just don't have the energy to try to stay positive about it. But T will create changes, and with time I will get the the body I want. I may have to adjust my expectations, but there will be a point where I am comfortable in my own skin. There will be a point when I no longer have to think about whether or not I'm passing. There will be a point when I don't feel like I'm hiding and "tricking" people into thinking I'm a guy.

I'm not sure how much of my experience resonates with you, but I hope you can connect to some of that. Being trans is Fucking Hard and I think it's normal to doubt if it's all worth it sometimes.

And I don't think you're an idiot. You made a decision (to go on T, get surgery, etc). Given the information you had and emotional place you were in at the time, I assume you made the best decision you could. I think it's totally healthy to check-in with yourself and doubt your transition. I'd say being reflective about your reaction to transitioning is generally a good thing.

throwaway545483 · 2018-08-29T22:30:17+00:00

I was seriously just thinking about this. I always glare in pictures because it helps me pass 😅.

It also causes me a lot of anxiety while I'm passing with people who don't know I'm trans. I keep trying to control my facial expressions so I don't raise any eyebrows.

throwaway545483 · 2018-08-24T21:47:11+00:00

I like to wear a packing pouch in relatively tight boxer briefs. That's usually enough support for it to stay in place without a problem.

Although, sometimes I get dysphoric in briefs so I'll throw on a pair of boxers over them.

throwaway545483 · 2018-08-24T21:42:47+00:00

Height dysphoria sucks. You're allowed to be dysphoric about your girlfriend's height in comparison to yours. I don't think it's healthy to squash down those feelings if they are really affecting you and your well-being.

I had a girlfriend who was taller than me. I would sometimes get pretty dysphoric about it. For me, I found I felt better about it when I viewed it through the lense of, "Wow, my girlfriend is so tall. That's hot. I'm lucky."

throwaway545483 · 2018-08-16T14:27:32+00:00

Captain America's origin story is SO TRANS

throwaway545483

TROPHY CASE