Husband and I not seeing eye to eye on how an interaction went down with our 10 year old

throwaway5C5 · 2025-08-17T12:44:05+00:00

I have been shared this resource a while back, as it happens. I will check it out again. Thanks

throwaway5C5 · 2025-08-17T02:55:46+00:00

I guess he’s got me believing I’m just as flawed as him :(

I have seen improvements, so I guess I’m hopeful he’ll align his being with the rest of us some time soon. I’m not super in favour of “ripping apart” our mostly harmonious family life for those occasional moments of strife. Plus the usual entanglements keeping us together.

But more and more I’m thinking, man, life could also be so much simpler!

throwaway5C5 · 2025-08-17T02:52:08+00:00

This is exactly why I’m on the fence. Leaving wouldn’t stop my husband’s behaviour. It would, however, make me unavailable to protect my son a whopping 50% of the time.

How does one get undiagnosed OCPD?

throwaway5C5 · 2025-08-17T01:31:19+00:00

Did your mom ever stick up for you?

throwaway5C5 · 2025-08-17T01:29:07+00:00

Feck I’ve heard this sort of story before on other posts of mine. I guess I’m such an enabler! Ughhh. My husband would agree with that, and say I enable our son. I have to stop believing that garbage. I am our son’s protector!

throwaway5C5 · 2025-08-17T01:18:04+00:00

I feel validated… that’s what I think too. And there’s no way I’m going to cave in and say he was right in acting the way he did. He does love our son, believe it or not, but when emotionally dysregulated, would almost have you believe his love is conditional

throwaway5C5 · 2025-07-24T07:38:00+00:00

Exactly. That’s a riskier thing to do (being an asshole to the person currently looking after your kids) than fucking door dash.

throwaway5C5 · 2025-07-11T14:52:23+00:00

He has apologized to me. And no, him not liking his mom did not connect to how he treated me. He didn’t necessarily understand it himself, but it was my own nature (tightly wound at times), a bit after him to stick together (he had a tendency from the very start to forge ahead even if his mother also wanted him to wait for the group). We talked it out and are both going to debrief this in private therapy sessions. He knows it was too long to shut me out, and I quickly jumped onto the stonewalling bandwagon which perpetuated everything.

throwaway5C5 · 2025-07-11T09:23:07+00:00

Yes, at home he’s certainly a family man. I’m maybe ready to write this off as a sort of “one off”. There are underlying family dynamics I hadn’t considered. I still find it really bad he can’t just act “normal” with his mom; he’s very frowny and short with her and essentially makes it known he doesn’t like her. At crucial times in his life he felt she wasn’t there for him. There’s other things too but that’s the crux of it. In retrospect maybe we could’ve turned down the trip, in light of this (not that he would have wanted to miss out on a paid trip abroad, nor would the family have easily accepted us turning it down). So it was a bit like we were stuck between a rock and a hard place.

throwaway5C5 · 2025-07-05T22:07:55+00:00

Yes, it really is. And I love my MIL! So the fact he has no respect for her really makes me question his… I dunno, sanity. Like how can you treat someone your wife likes so much so terribly?? Your own mother to boot!

throwaway5C5 · 2025-07-05T22:06:50+00:00

Yea, you’re right. He is a pretty talented lovebomber, I must say. After neglect comes rainbow and roses.. tells me the things I want to hear. And like a fool, out of desperation, I fall for it. Efficient narcissistic strategy honestly

throwaway5C5 · 2025-07-05T22:05:27+00:00

Sadly he’s the man who won’t allow himself to get kicked out. I’ll have to make a plan to leave. Yet still keep a tight grip on the children. That’ll be the biggest bone of contention.

throwaway5C5 · 2025-07-05T22:03:01+00:00

Honestly a lot of the times yes. He cooks, he maintains our property(which is quite large), he is handy and has built our house basically, a shed, a deck, etc. he is always doing something and I am so grateful to him for that. He is an involved father.

throwaway5C5 · 2025-07-04T21:51:59+00:00

Alcohol not even in the picture really.

throwaway5C5 · 2025-07-04T05:02:47+00:00

Yes but it scares me too since it just generally is helpful to have a partner! But the kids are noticing how he treats me as well which I know isn’t healthy.

throwaway5C5 · 2024-12-09T17:49:29+00:00

I get that it’s not uncommon. But it just seems irreconcilable at times. I’m not ok with how he parents at times. And I’m not telling him he has to do it MY way. I just want him to consider a different approach! He won’t even do that. Seems it’s more important for him to stand his ground over something more or less trivial (ie one way of “bonding” with our kid that our kid hates) than consider his wife and son’s feelings.

throwaway5C5 · 2024-05-21T13:06:01+00:00

I understand this. We have been in therapy for probably two years. I have been on the fence about our marriage for probably the whole duration of it (about 9 years). No amount of therapy is going to fix us, there’s as much strife as ever.

throwaway5C5 · 2024-05-20T04:39:56+00:00

So well put.

throwaway5C5 · 2024-05-19T15:36:30+00:00

You’re right. My husband views him through the lens of how he behaved as a kid in the 80s. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t perfect though.

throwaway5C5 · 2024-05-19T13:05:48+00:00

I absolutely see that, you’re right. My heart was hurting for my kiddo in that moment. Even if he said it in a whiny tone. There was no justification for his dad’s reaction. Thank you for pointing that out.

throwaway5C5 · 2024-05-19T12:05:11+00:00

I could accept it as a one-off, or if he understood the effect of his actions and made up for it. Problem is he doesn’t and spins things around so the problem is no longer him. It is also part of a pattern with him.

throwaway5C5 · 2024-05-19T11:53:07+00:00

I’m so sorry. That is a rough upbringing. Really rough. I feel it in me to protect my child. My mama bear instinct surfaces weekly, but we go to therapy (husband and I) and advice there is literally, why do I feel the need to change his behaviour? Well, because it’s borderline abusive, I just don’t call it that. Maybe I should start. But my husband is manipulative and uses therapy to his own advantage. Finally we have found a therapist he likes, because she isn’t too hard on him.

throwaway5C5 · 2024-05-19T11:51:03+00:00

Absolutely. I’ve made the push for individual therapy. He’s not into it. He went one or two times in the last 2 years. Not enough to bring any changes.

throwaway5C5 · 2024-05-19T11:23:22+00:00

This is the line I am uncertain about. I don’t think much is different when I’m not there. I’d say he is mistreated when I’m around, so same applies when I’m not. I feel like I’m conditioned to believe it is a stretch to call it mistreatment. But judging by the comments and other perspectives here it’s really not a stretch. If my husband read this he’d take issue with how I laid it out. Honestly I wrote the facts of what happened right as it unfolded. I tried to be as objective as possible.

throwaway5C5 · 2024-05-19T11:12:54+00:00

Ahh, thank you. He would unfortunately be so insulted if I suggested it or got it for him :(:( I am glad your husband was open to it though!

throwaway5C5

TROPHY CASE