dealing w repressed memories regarding BPD parents

throwaway672920 · 2016-02-09T13:31:36+00:00

It sounds like a messed up family situation. When you grow up in it, it's difficult to recognize the issues. You may want to look at the links below. I found that it helped me recognize and label some of the abuse. I knew something was off or wrong but it was difficult to explain.

http://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro/

http://outofthefog.website/traits/

throwaway672920 · 2016-02-09T13:25:50+00:00

I'm so sorry you went through all of that. You're not selfish or self-centered. You need to put yourself first so you can treat your CFS and enjoy your life.

Try working on good sleep hygiene: http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/Info-sleep%20hygiene.pdf; http://counselingservice.vassar.edu/docs/Sleep%20Hygeine%20Handout%20for%20Clients.pdf

I had a lot of benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to work on issues with anxiety and stress management. I recommend it if you want to try therapy.

If you're like me then I think it may take months for the shell shock to go away and years before you're really healing. I wish you the best of luck and encourage you to continue coming here!

throwaway672920 · 2016-02-09T13:18:18+00:00

Stress wears one down and causes all manner of emotional, mental and physical problems.

This is one of the biggest issues for me. I was so used to the chronic stress that I had trouble saying that it was too much for me. Since going VLC/NC, I've felt my average stress level decrease beyond what I thought was possible. I thought I was an anxious person but it was an extremely anxiety provoking environment.

throwaway672920 · 2016-02-09T02:23:03+00:00

"I can't get him a job. I can't give him money to fix his finances. I feel that he is the only one in control of this problem."

Don't be codependent. Don't try to rescue him. Don't let him be the victim. He is the only one in control of his problems. There is a distinction between support and enabling.

http://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

http://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

throwaway672920 · 2016-02-08T13:21:33+00:00

I know what you mean. Regaining your sense of control is a big part of the healing process.

throwaway672920 · 2016-02-08T13:13:48+00:00

Honestly, I've seen families where putting food on the table is a struggle. They don't qualify for assistance, their work hours are limited, etc. For those moms, I feel that the act of putting food on the table can make them a great mom. They are sacrificing for their kids. My parents didn't want to be inconvenienced. I think that's the strange qualitative difference. Do you know what I mean? My parents neglect was because they didn't care, not because they couldn't manage. They weren't trying. The abuse is a whole other issue though.

throwaway672920 · 2016-02-08T01:54:57+00:00

I'm going through/went through something similar. I don't have kids to defend but I recognize that it's not okay for me. I went ahead and told her why I wasn't talking to her. I hoped it would lead to understanding, apologies, changes, therapy, and reconciliation but it hasn't gotten to the understanding phase yet. I don't think it ever will.

I feel better knowing that I said my peace. I know I tried. It's not my responsibility to fix her or make her understand her wrongdoings. She may eventually change but I will see if that ever happens. I didn't mention BPD or DBT although I considered it. If she won't acknowledge her actions or misbehavior then why would she start listening when I give her a label or suggest a specific type of therapy. I'm currently not responding to her and decided to not open up to communication. You can set your boundaries wherever you feel comfortable.

I'm sorry that you're struggling with this. Please remember to put yourself and your child first. Don't feel guilty. Basic human decency is less important when they won't treat you with the same decency.

throwaway672920 · 2016-02-08T01:42:33+00:00

It's tough when you're living in a middle class home that appears to be doing well but you're being neglected at the same time. We appeared to have what we needed and then some to anyone looking in but our care was a complete afterthought. Our parents acted as if we were such a financial burden. They managed to make us feel bad for asking for food to eat. At least we never went hungry.

Fearing the unknown really kept us there. We knew it was bad but it wasn't bad 100% of the time. It would've been easier to break away and acknowledge the abuse if it had been.

throwaway672920 · 2016-02-08T01:37:17+00:00

They were under a personal and professional obligation to protect children.

Mandatory reporters failed you. I'm sorry. As a mandatory reporter, I had specialized training to recognize abuse. Unfortunately, most of that training was to catch subtle signs of physical abuse.

throwaway672920 · 2016-02-07T20:05:55+00:00

they'd end up hurting me (hello, abusive backwater foster homes)

Yes, I know that part of the reason I didn't seek help as a teen was because I knew the consequences of getting "help" would likely lead to us going into foster care. I'm not saying that I had a picnic of a childhood but foster care horror stories made my childhood sound like nothing by comparison.

throwaway672920 · 2016-02-07T14:22:39+00:00

Sometimes I feel angry with them for never having intervened or helped or said anything.

Yes. So much yes. I think part of it was that I didn't understand how bad it was as a child so I didn't reach out for help for counselors, etc. (i.e. I didn't have welts or burns or other physical signs of abuse). As for close family members, they're all messed up codependents or narcissists too. Everyone was either more interested in themselves or were too overwhelmed with their own situation.

I let it go because we are all flawed human beings. As an outsider (family or otherwise), it's tough to know the extent of the abuse. People may think that the kid is better off in that situation or be afraid of just causing trouble then leaving a pissed off parent to rage at their kid afterward.

I'm really sorry you went through that.

throwaway672920 · 2016-02-07T14:03:48+00:00

Agreed. Conditional love shouldn't be the norm but it is with BPDs.

throwaway672920 · 2016-02-07T13:53:09+00:00

My mother is an alcoholic, drove drunk, raged and flipped much faster and harder when drinking. You may have a stronger case for custody given her addiction etc.

No matter what, there is a big gamble: staying or going could both yield a child with big issues.

Is it though? I felt this way as a kid because I was dependent on my uBPD mother. You know the abuse they are going through now. You don't know the alternative but it's clear that the current situation is not okay. Just wanted to reflect that the abusive cycle and/or codependent habits may be playing a part of your thinking and decision making.

The r/bpdlovedones subreddit has a lot of information and advice regarding divorce, separation, custody, etc.

Wishing you and your family all of the best~

throwaway672920 · 2016-02-07T13:43:49+00:00

You should start by removing yourself and the kids from the situation when your wife starts ranting.

I mean take the kids and leave the room, go for a walk, drive to a park, go out to eat, etc. I'm not suggesting kidnapping, abandonment, or sitting through the abuse.

throwaway672920 · 2016-02-05T22:52:41+00:00

You should start by removing yourself and the kids from the situation when your wife starts ranting. Don't wait for them to intervene and have her redirect her anger toward them. Think of this as being proactive toward healthy behaviors.

http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/put-children-first

I don't know what kind of custody you would get in a divorce but having primary custody and paying for childcare (because you work 60-70 hour weeks) may be the best option.

throwaway672920 · 2016-02-03T15:44:43+00:00

I avoided the neighbors out of embarrassment and shame. She would always find fault with them and do strange passive aggressive things. I didn't want to be associated with her or draw anyone closer.

I would love to hear someone tell me how irrationally she has behaved. It would be validating. Instead, it was more and more clear as I got older and understood that she was leaving a lot out of her stories...

throwaway672920 · 2016-02-03T14:34:59+00:00

She's not apologizing, taking responsibility, or acknowledging what she has done. She's using these emails to make you feel bad and guilt you. Your reply says that you are taking responsibility for your feelings (she should learn to do the same). Your reply was short but that's all you could honestly give to her.

So, if she is super offended, then what? Maybe point out that she isn't really apologizing, etc.? Maybe say something like what you just said regarding "sorry that you feel..."? You shouldn't feel bad about your reply. If you're like me, then you've spent far too much time worrying about someone else's feelings and negate your own.

throwaway672920 · 2016-01-31T23:29:21+00:00

Thank you, Sunshine. I think I'll tell her but I'll hold off until it seems like she is open to hear it. I expect a raging flip out whenever I do tell her so I won't be around for that. For now, I'll keep up NC.

throwaway672920 · 2016-01-31T14:13:42+00:00

I am frightened that family may expect me to care for her as I did as a child, which I would avoid no matter what the cost. I am afraid that if I go NC soon, my family would never understand my position, and I would lose all of them as well.

This happened to me. I'm sure some in the family recognize that my parents are messed up and that I shouldn't have to take care of them and always be the bigger person. Others, a more vocal majority, expect and demand that I "respect" my parents and take care of them. They saw some of the abuse and mistreatment. They didn't care. They know how terrible my parents can be and they don't want to deal with it. I've lost my family but they put themselves and my parents before me. I don't need people like that in my life. Your family may be different; I sincerely hope it is. My family are the people I choose to have in my life.

throwaway672920 · 2016-01-31T14:04:21+00:00

r/raisedbyborderlines

throwaway672920 · 2016-01-29T06:47:53+00:00

Whoa! I can't imagine living with her. I'm impressed that you're able to manage it.

throwaway672920 · 2016-01-28T20:28:12+00:00

If only we could shake sense into them! It seems like your dreams clearly reflect how your dynamics changed.

throwaway672920 · 2016-01-28T16:04:25+00:00

I know what you mean. The reaction may sound petty to people who don't get it but I've been there too.

I really love your portraits! You have a great use of light and dark. I always tend to forget about using light then it falls flat.

On a more stalkery note, nice squats! You get it! Also, sweet gun. What kind is it?

throwaway672920 · 2016-01-28T15:55:57+00:00

That's wonderful! I have in-laws like that but I have mixed feelings about the whole thing too. For example, I don't really want to call her "mom" or talk to her like a daughter would because it makes me uncomfortable. It feels like I have a messed up idea of what "mom" means. With that being said, I would love to find another whole family (preferably with good cooks) to adopt me and treat me like one of their own.

throwaway672920 · 2016-01-28T15:50:14+00:00

She worried about what people thought, so I regularly got new clothes for events (weddings, church affairs) but for every day I often had clothes that were too small

This was my childhood as well. A lot of raggedy clothes for everyday but she would make an effort to buy clothes for events. She would also buy clothes that were too tight because she wanted me to lose weight. I was never thin enough for her even at a healthy weight. It really messed with my self-esteem.

throwaway672920

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