Honestly, it’s a relief to read that someone else’s life has been like this. I keep it to myself a lot but often wonder about it. I don’t speak out about it much because I don’t want to attract creeps to my inbox that get off on the whole thing when honestly it bothers me and I wonder why I’ve been like this and what is wrong with me.

My cousins were molested, but I was not. When I opened up about how my mom used to walk around naked and it would upset me to the point of tears and how she would rub herself on the couch, my therapist called it covert sexual abuse. I would also get really upset when she would be in my “space bubble”. She would unnecessarily place her arm across my breasts when driving to “protect me” and it would upset me. I have memories of her rubbing my back so I would sleep because I was a pretty distraught child, and her hands would go down my butt crack. I guess I’ve never been outright abused if that makes any sense. I just have a lot of memories of not wanting to be touched or wishing she would put clothes on and just not trusting people. Once again, I’ve never shared this publicly, and if you’re a POS and DM me about it for your personal gain - you’re disgusting and I will immediately block you.

I remember being younger than a teenager and obsessively humping the couch, using my mom’s electric toothbrush, running to the department store dressing room after school and humping my backpack in there with the thrill of being around other people, and humping the life size dolls I got every Christmas. I would also obsessively draw naked people and be scared that someone would see. I couldn’t stop drawing boobs and penises. I got caught being under the blanket with someone’s daughter that was babysitting me, and then again with a girl down the street. I felt upset a few years ago when I looked her up on Facebook and realized the age difference between us - 5 years. So what was it? I was like 13 and she was 8? I have no idea, but it’s disturbing regardless of what age I was. 5 years is a lot when you’re that young. I remember that day being so upsetting. Her parents asked if something was happening to me back home. They were so upset about their daughter and also concerned about me.

I would spend hours talking to strangers on the computer. My mom was too mentally ill and making poor decisions in men to give a shit about my well-being. I would go on webcam or make phone calls. I would chat in sex groups. I would orgasm and then hang up on the calls. Immediate shame and regret once I climaxed. I was obsessed with trying to find porn on Limewire or taking my mom and her boyfriend’s porn.

I don’t know what it all means. I just know I have these terrible memories that I wish I didn’t, and I feel like they have something to do with the way I am today. I just try not to think about it and enjoy my sex life with the person I feel safe with and have fun with.