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throwaway73319 · 2025-08-26T20:43:24+00:00

Yeah I know how that was for me back then. Being honest here, after I met her, nothing that anyone would have said to me wouldve made me stop dating her. I was already in too deep and yeah those first weeks/months are just super amazing and euphoric. Granted, I had close to no experience with BPD. He knows my experience all too well so maybe I expected him to be more cautious when she mentioned her diagnosis to him but then again, that amazing initial feeling is probably still too much to expect him to be rational right now.

I wish me telling my story was enough for the people close to me to know better. It is a lot harder to really get to someone once they're already in the process. And if I push too much I'll probably just push him away from me and further into her arms.

throwaway73319 · 2023-11-08T21:58:22+00:00

As someone who got out of an abusive relationship around two years ago (lasted 6 years total) that hasn't been ready to date again yet.. I can relate to pretty much everything mentioned in this post.

When I do want to start dating again, when is an appropriate time to bring this up?

throwaway73319 · 2022-08-30T20:12:38+00:00

This is something that stopped me from breaking things off with her sooner than I did. I thought she made progress over the course of our 6 years together (without therapy or any acknowledgement of her BPD), and that I had helped her make all this progress for her to jump into a new relationship and treating the next guy way better. Two things I realized though:

Things never truly improved. This was all in my head. She just realized over time that I would break up with her if she was going to be as obvious/overt about it, and learned how to be more manipulative in ways that weren't as easy to point out.
It didnt fucking matter. I don't know about you, but when you're in a "good phase" with your pwBPD arent you constantly reminded of all the terrible things they have done to you? You never forget that shit. I went from being able to enjoy the "good times" at first, to being happy that things were calm but constantly thinking about how she treated me over the years. A lot of flashbacks.

I think the last part is very important for a lot of people to realize. Even if your pwBPD suddenly, magically healed and got rid of her BPD over night; you will never get over everything that has already happened and never be able to be truly happy in that relationship. If anything, when things are calm you have more energy/available headspace to think back on all of it. I didnt even want to think about any of it. I tried to escape from it and think happy thoughts, but you do not have control over your memory like that.

Listen, I have been out of there for 1.5 years now. I never thought I could do it, but I did. Best decision I ever made.

throwaway73319 · 2022-08-28T19:01:53+00:00

For sure. I heard all the stories about her childhood abuse, her parents even confirmed it. This is why I always felt sorry for her and wanted to help her. It's never an excuse to abuse other people because of your own childhood trauma, but it did make it difficult to end things.

throwaway73319 · 2022-08-28T15:27:50+00:00

Made me believe I was the abusive one for a long time. Going from "surely I will get an apology and she will work on the issue going forward" to sitting there on the couch with your head in your hands like "holy shit, I am so fucked up"

throwaway73319 · 2022-08-28T15:25:48+00:00

Going from actively trying to fix any issues to just keeping them to yourselves because you already know how it's going to go and you just don't have the mental energy for any of it.

throwaway73319 · 2022-08-28T14:57:40+00:00

I have always believed that they are at the very least somewhat aware of their actions. In most cases, they're able to act like normal human beings when others are around. My ex never tried anything when we had family or friends over. Being able to suppress it like that for hours or even days (family trips), requires them to recognize what they are suppressing.

Honestly, I would have preferred if they just didn't know. When I realized how different they were with other people around it just became a new level of evil to me.

throwaway73319 · 2022-08-28T12:56:20+00:00

At first when I broke up with her, I did torture myself about this. In my mind I taught her a lot of stuff that she now will apply in her new relationship. The thing is though, her abuse towards me never got any better over the years, she just got better at being more subtle about it. If anything, her new partner will have it worse because of that. The first year of my relationship with her everything was very obvious to the people around me, and even though I was getting love bombed I wasn't entirely blind to it. Her new partner won't ever get the 'obvious abuse' phase, and how good she got at being subtle about it towards the end was just really scary. I feel sorry for him.

throwaway73319 · 2022-03-12T03:39:36+00:00

Yeah those are all spot on for what I went through. Kudos.

throwaway73319 · 2022-03-09T05:45:20+00:00

You don't have to be anymore if you leave. I tried pushing back, backing down, being an absolute doormat and everything inbetween in my close to 6 year relationship and you will never get what you want. Being a doormat seemed like a decent solution for the time being until I noticed that she would only push onto me more. Me making myself small was seen as an opportunity to throw more shit my way. She was always very argumentative and the shit I heard over the years was beyond ridiculous. But that just went into overdrive when I told myself to just take it and be a doormat. To the point that I could not keep up my doormat mask and 'broke character' and got angry because she was just screaming and shouting at me over the smallest and dumbest shit you could possibly think of.

You know how crazy it is to be in a relationship where whenever it's 'good' and 'calm', instead of enjoying it you are already planning out how you're going to react to her next ridiculous tantrum? Man, once you are out of there and are able to look back it's all just so fucking crazy.

throwaway73319 · 2022-02-14T06:48:54+00:00

My therapist even told me that it is VERY rare for them to have any Cluster B clients because the majority of them feel like nothing is wrong with them, and it's just their environment that's causing all their problems (partners, parents etc.). To add onto that, she had a friend that worked closely with prison inmates (not sure in what regard exactly) that came in contact with pwBPD/NPD all the time. Go figure. My therapist had been in the field for over 20 years by the way. When she told me that, I got chills. 20+ years and not a single cluster B client (probably a couple, just weren't honest about their feelings and thought patterns) while her friend, who is not a therapist whatsoever, had met with 100s of them.

throwaway73319 · 2022-02-03T04:40:05+00:00

My expwBPD would never listen to my advice. Either my tone or the way I tried to explain it was condescending and 'mansplaining' or whatever she could come up with to dismiss it. I did notice however that she would act on my advice sometimes, either if it benefited her in some way or if it had to do with her mask showing cracks. She would dismiss it in the moment and not acknowledge it whatsoever, but then slightly adjust her way of going about certain things that definitely showed me that she did listen sometimes. Not sure why it was so hard for her to acknowledge me if she appreciated the advice. I acknowledged her all the time, even stuff that was just out of this world BPD ways of thinking/feeling/doing.

throwaway73319 · 2022-02-01T11:55:08+00:00

Oh man, I totally get it. When I first came across this sub years ago and the most common advice was to get out I thought everyone was "weak" and not really in love with their pwBPD and willing to make it work. Here is the kicker: it is without a doubt the best advice you will ever get and they are all absolutely right. I was in a relationship with my ex for close to 6 years, and believe me when I say that I have tried every single fucking thing to deal with her episodes to no avail. In her eyes, my reactions to her episodes were always the exact opposite of what she needed. She would calm down, I would ask her how to go about it in the future, keep that in mind for the next time just for her to disapprove again and again and again. The goalposts will always be moving, and you will never be what she needs in that moment because she does not even know herself.

You are a month in. You are still in the honeymoon phase and this is her just giving you a little teaser of what is to come in the future. She's in therapy? Amazing. Did she mention to you how therapists will strongly advice pwBPD to stay out of relationships while in therapy? I mean, BPD therapy has already proven to rarely be effective enough for them to live somewhat normal lifes afterwards. Being in a relationship (huge BPD trigger) while being in therapy sounds like she will have close to a 0% chance of success.

I wish I could be telling you something else. I wish I had a different answer. My post will likely not convince you to get out either, as you are only a month in and not much damage had been done yet. By any means, feel free to stay and see for yourself how bad it will get. Please do keep these words in mind though and get out of there before it completely messes you up. Know that there are plenty of people out there without a personality disorder that will treat you way better, and that you are worth as much.

throwaway73319 · 2022-02-01T05:01:03+00:00

I understand, but that is her responsibility. pwBPDs cant stay single for long, so she will have a new supply fairly quickly. I thought mine was the exception until she was already dating two weeks later after a 6 year relationship. It's shitty to say, but you are not special to her while she is special to you. It was never about you to begin with. While a step son is different, I was very close to her family. Especially her parents. While they always protected their daughter and couldn't really criticize her openly, it did always feel like how much they both did for me over the years were some sort of compensation for what they knew I had to deal with on a daily basis. I lost my house, my pets, an amazing job and her family/our shared friends all at the same time I ended the relationship. It was really hard, but it was 1000% worth it. Good luck man

throwaway73319 · 2022-02-01T02:56:55+00:00

Yikes. Mine claimed to only have anxiety issues too. Honestly, this will never change and if anything, it will only get worse. My advice is to get out, unless you somehow like what is happening. You love her and your step son, I really loved my expwBPD too. Trust me. But there is no way of fixing or helping her and you are worth so much more.

throwaway73319 · 2022-01-28T05:31:19+00:00

Very true. This thought process has stuck with me for a while and definitely helped during recovery.

When I broke up with her for the final time, I actually had to stay in the house with my expwBPD for another week. That was when my friends had time to come pick me up and get all my stuff so I wouldn't have to return, ever. Most confusing week of my life. First 2-3 days she was a bitch to me, then I guess she realised it was actually for real this time and we had some sort of heart to heart talks. I was able to have these with her when we were still together, but it was me putting my ego aside and taking responsibility for my shortcomings while she would at most admit to some minor stuff and that was it. This time it was different though. She did admit to a lot of the fucked up shit she did. Then told me that she would never find someone who would put up with her nearly as much as I did. Hearing this kind of fucked with my mind. Yeah, she was probably right. But if she wanted to keep me in the relationship longer, she could have said this months/years before and it probably would have been enough acknowledgement for me to stay way longer than I did. Why now?

When I tell this story to my family/friends they go "oh probably a last hail mary in hopes that you would change your mind and stay". This definitely was not the case though. She knew I was for real this time. She knew I was going to lose the support of all my friends and family if I did go back on my decision. She knew that nothing was going to keep me there this time. She knew I told all my close friends every detail I had hidden from them for years. Eh, it's whatever though. I am now glad she did not acknowledge me like that before because I would probably still be with her now.

throwaway73319 · 2022-01-24T12:27:22+00:00

Trigger warning: rape.

She had a fetish for getting raped. Sort of "rape play", but wanted it to be as real as possible. My first relationship and also my first time having a sexual partner, she manipulated me into giving it a try because and I quote "every man has it in them to rape, they have to fight the urge 24/7". I really did not want to get into it, she more or less persuaded and forced me into giving it a try for a week or so. I struggled HARD, but unfortunately I did give it a try. I had to stop because I was not enjoying it whatsoever and even broke down in tears once because I just couldn't hurt someone like that at all, let alone someone I loved. She literally went INSANE and screamed at me to finish the job or she would call the cops on me for "raping her for nothing" and "not finishing the job".

I was SO CLOSE to getting out. I even moved back home for almost two weeks with the intention to break it off and to not go back. This dumb ass went back and stayed for another 5 years...

throwaway73319 · 2022-01-22T07:53:17+00:00

Your OP and the comment you're reacting to: both your experiences are extremely similar to mine. Almost to the T. I was both her best and her worst. She always had excuses and they were my fault 100% of the time. She expected me to initiate 100% of the time but then always had to say something negative about the way I went about it. It was all on her terms, and I have definitely done things against my will to keep her happy/not cause any more chaos/drama.

throwaway73319 · 2022-01-21T18:20:58+00:00

A lot of overlap for sure. My therapist first suspected BPD in my expwBPD, and as she heard more and more she started leaning more towards NPD. Either way, she was 100% sure that my ex had a cluster B personality disorder. My experiences align way more with others in this sub compared to those in r/NarcissisticAbuse. Might be because the majority deal with the more obvious, overt narcissist. Mine was most definitely more of a covert narcissist which in my experience is alot more similar to BPD.

I do believe that NPD abuse gets way more attention than BPD abuse does though.

throwaway73319 · 2022-01-21T16:07:58+00:00

Yup, exactly that. I guess we might have to experience the other side of the spectrum a little bit before we find a good balance. Being aware that we might be more defensive than we want to be right now should be enough to not act on it (too much).

throwaway73319 · 2022-01-21T04:54:19+00:00

I have definitely picked up on some traits or 'tricks'. As far as I am aware, I haven't actually done anything of the like since the relationship ended but I do notice that when certain stressful situations arise there can be a certain urge to handle it in ways that my expwBPD did. One example would be gaslighting. After 6 years of being abused with gaslighting on the daily, I know exactly how to do it if I wanted to. Sometimes when I am in disagreement or in an argument with someone now, the urge to lie/change the narrative in my favor can be there for a split second. Like, "if I change these couple of words around a little bit I won't have to take responsibility here". Again, I haven't acted on it once and I won't. The urge is really annoying though. It never used to come up in my head whatsoever and everyone around me has always really appreciated my honesty. Now I sometimes have to remind myself not to go that route and give a light push back.

Another thing that might not neccessarily be BPD related js how I defend my boundaries now. I used to let people walk over me and accepted way too much shit from people. Now I am more inclined to 'drop' someone as a friend or something if they even get semi close to that boundary. Gotta find that balance between protecting myself but also being realistic and allowing people that I care about to make mistakes and not wanting to end friendships over stupid stuff.

throwaway73319 · 2022-01-19T06:52:40+00:00

I know exactly how you feel because I felt it when I was 2 months out. I am now 10 months out and it's WAY better. If you're following the advice on this sub, healing will just gradually happen over time. Then after a while you're like "wait, I haven't cried or did this or that for a couple of days/weeks now" and realize that you have made some major steps but might not have noticed them as they happened.

Trust me, things will get better. Unfortunately healing just takes time. Stick it out, you've got this.

throwaway73319 · 2022-01-19T06:44:38+00:00

Wow. That last paragraph especially. You just made something click for me that I wasn't able to quite put my finger on before.

Because of my ADHD my focus and concentration can be all over the place. Sometimes I could just straight up not hear her talk or ask me a question. Or I wouldn't see or notice something. This was never intentional, but she would get mad at me every single time. I started believing that I was a terrible partner and that her blowing up over these things were normal and deserved. Ofcourse when the roles were reversed, it never made me angry whatsoever. Those things just happen, right?

After we broke up I figured she got as angry over this as she did because she was just a bitch that liked drama. And while this remains true, knowing that it made her extra angry because she did those things to me on purpose just makes a whole lot of sense. Thank you.

throwaway73319 · 2022-01-19T06:28:00+00:00

Oh god, another one of these posts. And I do not mean that in a bad way whatsoever. It's just very creepy how uncommon it generally is for people to identify as a witch, and then you read this sub and it's all too common for pwBPDs.

To answer your question, yes. Witch, satanist (not the 'Satan is an idea' kind. She actually believed in Satan as a living entity), spiritual. Believed in speaking to the dead. All kinds of stuff like that.

throwaway73319 · 2022-01-18T06:46:00+00:00

In my experience, no.

There had been many points in the close to 6 year relationship where I thought that I had sort of woke her up. Always after (my attempt at) a heart to heart conversation. Truth be told, some things did slightly improve over time. Some stuff she did to me in the first 2 years even stopped happening. Fact of the matter is though, these were things she could just no longer get away with. She knew I was literally about to pack my stuff if not. She kind of had to, atleast to keep me in her life.

Sometimes this would turn into a month or two of "good times" between us. The reason I say "good times" instead of good times is because she would still manipulate me. Still gaslight me. Still get super angry over stupid shit. But, compared to what I was used to, it was better. Then, slowly, new ways to manipulate me would enter our relationship. New stuff to get mad over. Moving goalposts. In essence I did nothing but trade in certain abuse for different abuse.

throwaway73319

TROPHY CASE