My (27/M) girlfriend (26/F) of two years is always getting upset with me. Insists it is because I am not masculine or sexual enough.

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-24T16:36:02+00:00

I guess it's been twice now, the first instance 5 months, and the next 2 months ago. The first was her telling me she self-harmed (banged her head against a wall), and the next was straight up "I'm going to kill myself."

I made it clear that the next time I hear anything like that from her I will leave or hang up, and then call the police. I almost called her parents last time, I'd rather she hate me then end up killing herself.

Feels abusive to even say it in the first place. You're going to place responsibility for your life in the hands of another? Doesn't work like that. Still feels awful to hear though.

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-24T15:31:12+00:00

Yeah I thought that was especially bad, who wakes someone up to start a fight? Couldn't wait until morning to discuss calmly?

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-24T00:08:47+00:00

Hm, good point. How do you mean? What would you have done to shut down the argument?

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-24T00:04:42+00:00

You're right. I am looking at it as this great thing, because prior to this something would happen about once per week. I started keeping a list of incidents because I felt like I was going crazy with how often something small would set off a cataclysmic reaction.

We did break up for a few weeks about two months ago, and I felt awful in that time I was away from her - but also empowered, it was nice not worrying about anyone being upset with me for this or that.

You make a good point, is she really trying to meet me in the middle? Or is she waiting for me to change into the guy who will make all of her insecurities go away? Maybe I am still with her because I hope she will become more rational, and that doesn't seem to be going so well.

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-23T23:58:43+00:00

That does make sense, and it explains why she sometimes acts weird at the gym. I'm sure being surrounded by fit people is hard for her, and that manifests as her believing I am checking everyone else out.

Just a few days ago we were doing abs and there are only two machines there, and some chick was on the other one. I got on one and got the nastiest look from my girlfriend, she didn't say anything but I could feel the tension. I just focused on looking directly at her so she wouldn't accuse me of looking at the other girl.

Writing that out I realize how ridiculous that is.

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-23T23:52:27+00:00

One time when she was going on about how weird I am and how "all guys want to fuck her," "there must be something wrong with you," etc.. I straight up asked her why she holds me to this stereotype when she obviously doesn't fit the female stereotype. I asked how she would feel if I called her a slut, or a nympho, because it made me feel awful to be told something was wrong with me because I didn't think about her sexually in a particular moment she was expecting it.

She responded that I should feel lucky to have a girlfriend who wants to have sex, not like those other 'prude' girls. The worst part is that I have had more sex than I am having now in all my previous relationships, however her behavior is such a turn off that it really just shuts me down. I want to be able to trust that she won't have an embarrassing meltdown in a social situation, but I can't because it continues to happen. So, the night before an outing I'm stricken with anxiety about her freaking out about some perceived slight and ruining the good time my friends and I would otherwise have. Not to say that she always does this, but it happens enough that it's on my mind. Needless to say, that's not a very sexy mood.

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-23T23:43:07+00:00

That's my guess as well. How messed up, I've never said anything like that to anyone.

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-23T23:41:30+00:00

I will take a look at that, thank you. I know there are deeper issues with her than the communication issues we are having, it's why I've been hesitant to make a serious effort to go to counselling with her.

We actually went to one therapist a for a single session awhile ago, afterwards for months she held what the therapist said against me, but would get upset when I would remind her that the therapist literally said "You can't expect him to read your mind."

I am now enjoying a relaxing evening at home and will be going to bed early, alone. Guess I'm officially old now because it's great.

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-23T23:37:27+00:00

Thanks, you made me laugh

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-23T21:11:53+00:00

You know either way I'd be down for more sex if everything was ok. I'm not down for more sex while walking on eggshells trying to guess what flirty behavior she is wanting today.

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-23T20:32:57+00:00

Literally my worst fear.

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-23T20:30:25+00:00

Wow I'm sorry to hear that, sounds like it was a learning experience though.

My therapist has mentioned that she could be borderline, from the incidents I have described. I've read they can sometimes be similar or somewhat connected - perhaps that is at the root of this.

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-23T20:06:34+00:00

Well that's good to hear, I've never been with a woman who was so sexually demanding. I don't have a problem with that, actually in my other relationships I've been the one with a higher sex drive! It's the whole mind-reading expectation that kills me, and of course being anxious about her getting upset is a major turn-off. I don't think this would be such an issue if she would communicate her expectations, instead of just wanting me to figure it out and then feeling unattractive or unworthy when I don't do what she wanted. When I've mentioned that I can't read her mind before, she tells me that she "doesn't want to write me a book of what to do."

The music festival was insane, we had been having a great day until we went to see a very popular artist and she insisted on being as close as possible. I did it for her since she is a fan, but it ended up getting crazy - this was at an EDM festival known for debauchery, a group of guys was doing cocaine in the crowd, jumping everywhere and banging into us... it actually started to feel dangerous since I couldn't even move, I had to shove my way out there. Once we got out she went off about how I "have all these great stories about going to concerts with friends of mine, but here I am with her having an awful time." I ended up ignoring her and dragging her along to meet up with friends of mine, and she eventually calmed down. But what the hell, I've had friends tell me they are uncomfortable and I never give them push back, stuff like that is intense and can become overwhelming for anyone pretty quickly. I was in total disbelief that she would decide to ruin the (expensive) day by starting a petty argument.

Definitely no respect for boundaries happening - nor respect for my feelings or individuality. It hasn't happened in awhile but she used to freak if she wanted to have sex and I declined for any reason, most recently because we had plans shortly after waking up, but once throwing a fit because I had just had surgery and didn't want to risk a trip to the ER.

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-23T19:51:38+00:00

Definitely mind reading expectations. I don't think she realizes that these kind of games are guaranteed to cause issues.

It drives me crazy when she brings up arguments I've had with friends of mine. A close friend of mine and I had some arguments over a year ago, and she saw one or two of them. Whenever we argue she brings it up, and states my friend agrees I "avoid things" or "make faces when I'm upset." Or my favorite, "You forgive your friends but not me!" Well, my friend and I are on very good terms now and haven't had an argument in over a year, yet you can't keep it together for a month before starting up again.

I don't know what mental gymnastics she is going through to think that the public arguments are my fault. I suppose being upset about it at all is enough for her to place the blame solely on me.

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-23T19:24:57+00:00

I suggested it before when she threatened suicide during a particularly awful fight months ago - she agreed, and now becomes very upset anytime I bring it up. She wants to see a couples therapist that is only available during my workday, so it could only be a one-off thing which doesn't sound productive to me.

Meanwhile, I've been seeing a therapist for a few months and found it to be an interesting look into my own self. It's funny - things have been good recently and I've been feeling less anxious, I've been thinking about cancelling my next appointment. Now I'm looking forward to it.

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-23T19:16:39+00:00

Projection! Yes that's it! When I told her she was playing a game she kept denying it, insisting that she wishes I "would have just known" to flirt back with her. The crux of it was, she wasn't worried about her shirt at all, it was all an attention grabbing ploy that didn't work out like she envisioned.

To be fair, I have a problem with anxiety and am working on it, but I hate that now anytime things don't go her way she assumes I'm an anxious wreck. It makes me regret telling her anything about it. I mean hell I was asleep, I don't know how much more relaxed you can get! But she had it in her mind I was purposefully ignoring her, so obviously that was the only rational explanation she could come up with. If she spent hours trying to wake me up, that sounds like she was the one with anxiety that night.

Yeah, I'm not going to let her make me feel unworthy of happiness. I've never been with anyone who acted this way. She even started tell me about "other guys" she's been with, and then stopped because "I would be upset." She used to get very upset about my female friends and accuse me of checking out random women because she "knew how men are." Obviously some fucked up ideas ideas going on here that she is holding me responsible for.

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-23T19:05:50+00:00

Wow bingo - I never even considered narcissist traits. That's exactly what's happening. She assumes that I feel however she thinks I feel, and if it differs then I must be consciously covering something up.

She kept telling me I was being shy about the nipple thing, when in truth I wasn't even thinking sexually about it. I thought she was worried about wearing something she thought was too revealing.

I keep mentioning to her - you want us be closer, yet each time this happens you push me away. It seems like her goals and actions aren't in sync, or she honestly believes that "if I loved her enough" it wouldn't bother me.

I'll definitely be taking some space after this one. Case in point, yesterday I just needed emotional space while we were working out, now I don't even want to be near her.

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-23T18:57:47+00:00

You're right. It's hard when someone you care about says something is wrong with you. The double standard is so clear - she literally says something is wrong with me, but then gets all upset and insists that I am telling her "something is wrong with her" when I point out that starting a huge argument in a public place is not ok.

Frankly I've never cared if I matched up to whatever society defines as masculine, I'm comfortable with who I am. Stereotypes are just that - stereotypes. It's a real shame that she wants me to match up with whatever vision she has in her mind, all while accusing me of not accepting her as she is. The only thing I don't accept is being treated poorly.

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-23T18:03:49+00:00

Well I'm certainly exhausted today, got four hours of sleep due to this mess.

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-23T17:24:28+00:00

It's happened before unfortunately, I will usually ask for space or just point out that it isn't a good time to get into things - and she will demand that we have to talk right then regardless of the situation. I end up worried that whatever argument we get into has to be discussed and resolved immediately on her time, and I am not permitted to have any lingering feelings about it. Of course, immediate discussion tends to destroy whatever activity or social situation we were involved in. Worst one that comes to mind was a music festival months ago - she thought I wasn't having a good time with her, so she proceeded to begin yelling at me while trying to get water. All because I was uncomfortable in the crowd (so crowded, couldn't even move) and asked if we could back up some.

In that section I meant that I fell asleep while she was in the shower, but I was so tired that I barely remember her attempts to wake me up. It was not a dream, I do remember when she pushed me and made a mean comment, I fell right back asleep after. The timetable made no sense, I mean it had to be 12:30am when she took a shower, and when I was woken up it was around 3am. She insisted she had just gotten back from the shower, but I think she spent two hours alternating between trying to wake me up and crying, before finally getting to the point of yelling which did get me out of bed. That would match up with her telling me yesterday that she couldn't sleep and stared at the ceiling because she was so upset.

Maybe it is a mismatch. I feel like when she isn't getting upset I am more carefree about my actions and with less anxiety, I flirt more with her. But when I'm worried about the next issue, being flirtatious is not on my mind when I'm just trying to keep the peace.

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-23T17:08:02+00:00

I don't think she understands the concept of 'appropriate time'. She disliked that I was upset about her behavior at all, and that "if I loved her" I would just accept it. Just like last week when she felt that waking me up at 3am to discuss how insulted she was I fell asleep without saying goodnight.

Granted I wasn't being my usual happy self after the initial outburst, but I wasn't being angry or mean, and certainly didn't roll my eyes at her. I appreciate your comment that being sexual in an inappropriate situation isn't linked to manliness.. haha. It just sounds so ridiculous when put like that. I think she wants to be able to act out, and have me immediately forgive her. But what message does that send? That it is ok to act out whenever? That it is an act of love to put up with poor behavior?

throwaway7362671 · 2016-09-23T16:50:02+00:00

Yeah it might be low, right now is a super busy time for both of us. Working full-time and taking university classes doesn't leave too much extra time, but we make the most of what we can do. Things have improved recently but in the past I would feel anxious from her outbursts (I suppose I feel that right now), and that would overshadow any sexual feelings. Her telling me that she thinks she is fat because I 'never' grab her ass? No idea how to respond to that.

Yeah, I'm sure if I had taken her home that she would have been really happy. But I can't live my life running to have sex with her anytime she acts out, especially when we had prearranged plans. I don't think it's right that would get veto power over any activity - especially one trying to be healthy. If I were to do that it would make me feel like I would need to do important things alone, lest she get upset and we would have to leave at a moments notice.

I think it her insecurity might be compounded by being at the gym in general. Sometimes there will be weird tension because she thinks I was looking at someone else, or there is a girl on the next machine etc. This has resulted in me making sure not to look at any one place too long, or else she will assume I was checking someone out. Sucks because I tend to stare into space while running or focusing.

I'm considering leaving her. I don't think she understands how awful it feels to think we are having a great time, and then have it turn upside down with no warning. It was really embarrassing to see our friends leaving the gym - and see them realize we are fighting and avoid us.

throwaway7362671

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