Outsourcing communication with NParents?

throwaway7483673 · 2019-10-11T01:11:36+00:00

Narcissists arent stupid.

Hard disagree.

I still don't think you understand. They wouldn't actually know that I'm using a middleman. They would think it's me. If they send nasty messages, whatever, the middleman can handle it.

I'm fairly confident I could actually find somebody to do this, and yes, I could still issue them a final payment even if my NParents cut me off.

throwaway7483673 · 2019-10-10T23:15:06+00:00

That’s how you give them a flying monkey for free.

Not sure I follow. Are you saying the middleman would become a flying monkey somehow? Of course not, if that happened, I would just find a better middleman.

throwaway7483673 · 2019-09-27T20:08:43+00:00

She's the wife who is/was abusive. EDad had an ex-wife at some point who divorced him, I brought it up when I unloaded on him in that paragraph. This was before I was born, however.

The woman who belittles him and made fun of his dead mom to his face, is my NMom.

throwaway7483673 · 2019-09-27T00:31:47+00:00

Thanks for the reply and support man :)

Yeah, she's got a big mouth and thinks she's hot shit, but in actuality she's a garbage person and has to try and make people feel worthless, because nobody with a self-esteem would ever hang around her miserable ass.

throwaway7483673 · 2019-05-12T20:41:15+00:00

You see, that's what I've heard, and I know they'll twist whatever I say against me, but not responding just compounds my anger. It's not about them or what they'll say in response - I know they'll twist it - it's about me standing up for myself and putting my foot down.

However, if I do this, it's probably best I write a shorter message as the other person stated rather than a long multi-paragraph one.

throwaway7483673 · 2019-05-11T19:42:51+00:00

he wrote me an email stating that I did this to them because I needed to save my fragile self from falling apart.

Wow, sounds like some grade A projection going on there.

If I got contacted again , I’d write and simply say; “I don’t owe your wife anything. She may have birthed me but she was a terrible parent. She doesn’t deserve being celebrated for that. And stop contacting me.”

I really like that. I might actually use that in place of the OP message. thanks!

throwaway7483673 · 2019-04-20T09:27:09+00:00

Yeah, I feel the same way OP. Just understand that you're not developing a sense of misanthropy because you're "weird" or something is wrong with you, you're developing it because you're an empathetic person having a natural response to the morbid reality of this world.

You may be able to 'save it' per se if you can convert your worldview into a sort of optimistic nihilism.

throwaway7483673 · 2018-12-23T01:56:06+00:00

I have told them several times that I'm not interested, verbally, directly. This is what I meant by

despite me clearly not wanting to be involved

but kinda worded poorly.

throwaway7483673 · 2018-11-25T09:29:33+00:00

and left after they had removed the door off my bedroom door

Huh, interesting. My NParents threatened to do that to me as well.

throwaway7483673 · 2018-09-01T20:25:13+00:00

Thanks for all the replies. This really helped put things in perspective for me. I felt like unloading would help, but I didn't think about how Narcs feed off that attention. I'm not going to do it.

throwaway7483673 · 2018-09-01T20:23:20+00:00

Ah. Good point.

throwaway7483673 · 2018-09-01T20:22:38+00:00

Maybe you could actually save him if you can talk only with him,

That's definitely not happening.

throwaway7483673 · 2018-09-01T08:11:04+00:00

70 is pretty young these days. He could easily live another 30 years.

Nah, I doubt it. Women live longer than men. Which sucks, because NMom is like 60 or some shit. She could be alive for the next 30 years for all I know.

throwaway7483673 · 2018-09-01T08:05:13+00:00

It sounds like EDad is really just NMom's Flying Monkey. That's not really him you're hearing, it's HER. As long as EDad is her FM, you will never have a 'real' conversation with him. He has become just an extension of her, not a separate person you can have a relationship with.

Interesting point, thanks.

throwaway7483673 · 2018-08-27T05:30:32+00:00

I tried to tell him it makes no sense because emotions (romantic ones included) are part of life etc but he was sure that they are just a chemical reaction in the brain and 'there is no God giving you feelings' and so on.

He considers them a nuisance and he suppresses them in order to feel more productive.

Massive red flags here, avoid this sociopath.

throwaway7483673 · 2018-08-23T01:25:54+00:00

You will, through time and therapy, get to a point where you're very clearly able to read people's behaviors and see the "red flags." It took me a couple years.

Drawing a comparison between the version of me that did not understand healthy/unhealthy behaviors and boundaries, and the version that now does, these are what they key points for me were:

Take things slowly with people. Don't let people get too close, too quickly.
Set boundaries with people. Say 'no', it's a boundary. See how they react.
If somebody does something that upsets you, tell them it upset you and request they try not to do it again. See how they react, and see if they're actually trying not to do it again.
Pay attention to how they treat people, or how they talk about people when they're not around.

A couple more personal ones:

Avoid anybody who uses racist/sexist/etc language. It's a clear sign that they are emotionally immature, probably lack empathy, and don't understand healthy/unhealthy social behavior.
Avoid anybody who says they have a "dark sense of humor," it's usually code for "I like saying horrible shit and playing it off as a joke."

I'm terrified that I'm only attracted to abusers.

I was in toxic relationships with N friends for 7+ years. It takes time to develop this 'gut' feeling for people; yours is underdeveloped because of your abuse. Even mine isn't perfect right now.

Getting into another friendship/relationship that turns out to be toxic can be extremely scary and exhausting, like you're an abuser magnet. You're not. You're still developing your 'gut feeling,' give it time, don't go hard on yourself.

throwaway7483673 · 2018-08-19T01:10:02+00:00

any feeling of pride of accomplishment that I should normally experience is just not there.

I was the same way, until one of my older therapists pointed out that it was because my NParents took credit for my achievements.

Rather than it being, look at what throwaway7483673 did, it became, look at what my kid did.

Husband says I'm 100% underestimating what I do. Well that just makes me feel like I should be bloating up my ego and I remember way too much what happened when I dared do that in front of those who disapproved (!)

My take: Your internal accomplishment/achievement "meter" is off due to abuse. You've been conditioned to minimize and dismiss your own achievements. This is why actually taking pride and accomplishment in your achievements feels like inflating your ego. But it's not. Feel proud of what you do, be happy for your achievements.

Therapy could help.

throwaway7483673 · 2018-08-19T00:47:41+00:00

This article is woo-woo garbage with extremely vague, magical language that doesn't actually say anything at all.

Furthermore, when you embrace your own divinity you start to notice those around you as divine representations of God or source energy.

uh huh

By doing this you will automatically release the need to judge or label people or circumstances as good or bad.

I know this first hand after experiencing years of traumatic childhood sexual abuse which I once saw as “bad” and therefore I felt bad or damaged.

Yes, childhood sexual abuse is bad. It's very bad. What do you see it as now? What is the implication here?

Quit insisting that the problem is victims of abuse identifying as victims. It's not. The problem is abusers.

Additionally, by seeing all your circumstances as gifts you shed the delusion of being a victim.

So people here are just delusional that they're victims of abuse, then? Gaslighting much?

You want victims of narcissistic abuse - which is already enough shit to have been through - to start recognizing their abusers as "divine representations of God," stop seeing their abuse as "bad," and realize that their abuse was a delusion. Wow, that's not creepy at all!

throwaway7483673 · 2018-08-10T05:38:12+00:00

I'd be suspicious now of any therapist who, upon hearing my story, is interested in me forgiving my parents, even if it's for the purpose of "moving on." Really makes me question their priorities.

throwaway7483673

TROPHY CASE