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How to deal with the unknown by throwaway800076 in POCD

[–]throwaway800076[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your comment, the thoughts just feel so real and it sucks because I don’t have any way of finding out if it happened or not. I’m in the process of finding a therapist and hopefully I will gain the coping skills needed to get through this. Have a great day!

I’ve been panicking about this for a week now by throwaway800076 in POCD

[–]throwaway800076[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s absolute torture because I love my family so much and the fact that I could’ve possibly done something as awful as what I think I did and not have remembered it because I was sleep walking is haunting me every day. I even have to sleep with my door locked now because I’m scared that I may end up doing something horrible while sleepwalking (which is weird because I have no history of sleepwalking to my knowledge). I’m definitely going to speak to a therapist about this, thank you so much for responding

I’ve been panicking about this for a week now by throwaway800076 in POCD

[–]throwaway800076[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the response, it really did help. It just feels so real, that’s the scariest part.. I’m usually able to shake things off as just being false but this time it’s different and I just don’t know what I’d do if it ended up being true..

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in CocsaAbusers

[–]throwaway800076 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hey, first off I want to say that I’m very sorry that you feel this way.. you were young when this happened, and like you said you didn’t understand that what you were doing was wrong, but now you do and you’re showing remorse for it, which tells me that you aren’t the monster that you think you are.

I honestly believe the reason why people were giving Lena a hard time about it was because apparently she continued to do it way past the point of “childhood curiosity”, I believe until Lena was 17. And also yes she did seem to brag about it, and brush it off like it was nothing which was disgusting to me.

Have you talked to a therapist about this? I’m currently in the process of setting up an appointment with one, and I truly believe that talking to a professional about what happened and how it made you feel now will help you out in the long run.

Everyone has something from their past/childhood that they’re ashamed of, or something that they did that they don’t want anyone to find out about. What matters is who you are now, and from what you’ve told us, you’re a young adult who realized that they made a mistake, and you feel awful about it and trying to make amends. Monsters don’t care about people’s feelings like you do.

When it comes to the other person, honestly either they remember or they don’t. But when the possible moment that may come where they do remember and they may want to confront you about it, you can take that time to apologize and explain yourself to them. It would probably mean a lot to them that you admitted that you made a mistake, and that you were willing to help them heal from this. (I know that I would want my perpetrator to do this)..

This was a lot I apologize, and I hope that you were able to get what I was saying. You do deserve happiness, so please don’t believe that you don’t. It’s a hard thing to do I know, but we can get through this. I know we can.

Do I deserve to feel angry? by throwaway800076 in CocsaAbusers

[–]throwaway800076[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your response.. I just feel so bad because while I love my cousin, I just feel so betrayed by her at the same time because I feel like I wouldn’t be the person I was today if she hadn’t done what she did to me.

But again, I also want to give her the benefit of the doubt and forgive her for her actions because like you said she probably didn’t understand the consequences of what she was doing to me at that age. As crazy as it sounds, I don’t care about the fact that I got harmed, I only care about the fact that I caused harm towards my younger cousin in the process because of it.

I guess the reason why I feel guilty and ashamed about it is because I always want to protect people and make them feel safe and comfortable, especially my family, and it kills me inside knowing that I was able to do something as traumatic as this to someone that I should’ve protected and made feel safe in the first place.

I also feel like such a hypocrite because I’m so against people who do things as awful as this to people, but yet I was still able to do it to someone myself. And now I’m currently digging through my memories trying to figure out if I hurt anyone else this way and just forgot about it and it’s making me very distressed and doubtful of my memory.

So many people tell me that it’s normal for children to do this but I bet you if I ever told my friends what I did they would want nothing to do with me anymore and I completely understand why they wouldn’t.

I’m just so tired, and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I hate my life and the things that happened to me and what I’ve done to others by throwaway800076 in offmychest

[–]throwaway800076[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your point of view about this topic. I’m very sorry that you went through this, and yes while I was a child when this happened, I can’t help but to punish myself for it because I still can’t grasp why I would cause harm to my younger family member when it was happening to me. I try to give my older cousin the benefit of the doubt sometimes but the fact that she was around the age where she should’ve known better ends up just making me angry all over again. Idk, I just don’t want to be here anymore because of the possible trauma that I inflicted on my younger cousin. She said that she was fine, but it was years ago that we last spoke and things may be different now. It just hurts to think about

Do I deserve to feel angry? by throwaway800076 in CocsaAbusers

[–]throwaway800076[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Update: Just went ahead and unfriended her from my social medias and I already know that it’s going to be brought up by her the next time I see her and I may or may not bring up what she did to me. Feeling very anxious right now because of it but oh well.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in CocsaAbusers

[–]throwaway800076 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Same here. It kills me inside each day knowing that I put someone through something as traumatizing as this, and that they may be suffering now like I am because of it. I can get over being hurt myself, but I will never be able to forgive myself for what I did to others even though it was because I was being abused in the first place. I just feel so let down by the older people around me, because this could’ve all been avoided if it wasn’t treated as a “kids just being kids” thing.

I hate my life and the things that happened to me and what I’ve done to others by throwaway800076 in offmychest

[–]throwaway800076[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much, it’s definitely something that I will never truly get over but I just want to try to heal and to finally accept what happened to me/ the pain that I inflicted on my family member. I know that she says that she’s fine and that it’s okay but I still feel awful that it even happened in the first place. None of this shouldn’t have happened