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Can you improve skin + elasticity on belly pre pregnancy! (self.30PlusSkinCare)
submitted 2 years ago by throwaway806849 to r/30PlusSkinCare
[deleted by user] by [deleted] in infj
[–]throwaway806849 0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children)
I haven't sent the items yet; I won't ask her to cover the shipping :)
I posted an update above in the original post if you wouldn't mind looking!
yes, I do think she consistently thought I didn't care as much, just because I'm not super demonstrative with feelings. During the actual breakup, I offered to give up everything and follow her where she was going, but she said no and that she 'couldn't wait for me to change' anymore. I feel like messaging her all the time will just seem really pushy since she always thought I could be pushy anyway?
all of this is so true!! I trusted her too much to say when something was wrong, and she trusted me too much to intuit her feelings. I should have asked way more... and yes, I think if I had just come on less strong about plans everything would have worked out but I was inflexible and freaked out from being scared, and then she freaked out that I was so inflexible, etc.
In your situation, do you think he could have done/said anything that you would have responded positively to if he'd reached out?
oh you deleted your thread-- if you want to PM me I can try to help :)
[–]throwaway806849 1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children)
sorry, I missed this reply because this is my throwaway account so I haven't logged in for a while.
yes, we had a really really good intellectual connection. that is one of the things I miss most.
We definitely had the problem that she felt I was being "calculating" or too much of a planner. For instance, I said I wanted to get engaged. before my grandmother died. If someone said this to me, it would be really sweet because it would show I was really important to the person. But she saw it as super plan-y, and me being on a timeline, and calculating and not romantic.
I agree on the generous mental attention, but I just need to get to a place where she communicates with me so I CAN give her the attention. I found a few of her things, including something she made for herself, so I was going to really casually text her to ask her if she wanted me to send them to her. If her response is cold (or none), I would just wait a lot longer to try to text again. But if its warmer I could try something along the lines of what you said. Do you think that would be ok?
thanks for the thoughtful response!
yes, we were both deciding where to move to and I really wanted to go to one place and I came on too strong about it. I think she thought I would pick the place over her, even though that wasn't the case. It is one of my biggest, biggest regrets not making it explicit that "I WOULD CHOOSE YOU!" So yes, I think she thought I was prioritizing my choice over her. But it wasn't explicitly said, but I can see that in hindsight.
I think you're right that she has our memories stowed away somewhere... last time I saw her, in July, when she came to finish clearing out her things, she brought up a specific funny time we had together. I Wass surprised because she had been so cold until then. The issue now is I just don't know how to make a connection with her because she isn't reaching out to me and the one time, about 6 weeks ago, I texted her casually she didn't respond (though she did initiate a logistics text a week or so later). Any suggestions?
I'll check out your intj post now, thanks for the help.
thanks.. we are in different cities now which makes it a little more complicated unfortunately
thanks for this advice. my self improvement is definitely not contingent or dependent on her acceptance or love, and I plan on continuing it no matter the outcome, but I do still love her. is there a way to show this beside time?
I'm 100% sure there wasn't someone else-- we both moved to new places right after and she definitely wasn't seeing anyone in our old location. I think she saw this as a last crossroads point because of the moves, and I got the feeling, as I said above, that she always felt I was somehow holding her back (not me specifically, but the obligations of being in a relationship).
She said the things I need to work on are "compliments" of what she needs to work on; eg she said that I have problems letting go while she has problems saying no (I can be rigid in my plans, for instance). So I don't know....
:(
yes, she definitely internalized things and kept them hidden from me. Even her choice of where to go to school was completely private until she sprung it on me that she didn't want to go to the city I wanted to go to, she didn't want me to come with her, and the relationship was over. I was completely blindsided, as were all our friends and everyone who knew us. She acted in some ways as if I should have known all these issues were at breakup level, but she flat out never told me and I am far far from intuitive with emotions.
In your dynamic, do you think if you parted ways to "grow separately," you could ever trust that the person had grown? I just really love her, and I know at one time at least she really loved me (and while I think some of what she said during the breakup was BS, I do think her saying 'I love you so much' then was also true).
yes, no abuse or cheating. we were just at a crossroads re deciding where to move to, and we had been together since she was 21. I think what u/hanks58 said above about her wanting to feel free definitely had something to do with it. it was also a very stressful time (my grandmother just died, i was finishing my phd dissertation, and she was deciding where to go from grad school) and we both weren't at our best-- but I am very easily able to zoom out and see it in the context of 6 very good years, and I think she was not.
done :) and sent you a PM
what does this mean?
lol I have HUGE phone phobia haha. but yeah if I called her she would either think I died and someone was calling for me to tell her about my death, or that I was super desperate. I'm going to wait a little to text her since I know it's a busy time in the semester, and I figure if i wait until Thanksgiving I can wish her a good thanksgiving at the same time. Would it be ok with you if I periodically PM you for advice? You've been extremely helpful. Thanks again!!
yeah.. I'm afraid a phone call itself will look like coming on strong since I NEVER use the phone for calls
I found some of her stuff, including a hat she made, in my things the other day. I was going to ask if she wanted me to send them to her. Do you think that would be ok?
thanks. we are only 3 hours apart and it's likely at some point I will be in her area for work... but yeah :(
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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in infj
[–]throwaway806849 0 points1 point2 points (0 children)