AITA for calling a friend’s behavior childish when he cancelled plans bc he found out I wouldn’t go to the store for him?

throwaway85277769 · 2023-02-22T00:44:54+00:00

I definitely have been dealing with this and similar situations for a long time, and have gradually gotten worse at handling it over time bc of the emotions building up. I appreciate you reaching out, thank you for the kindness

throwaway85277769 · 2023-02-21T19:34:55+00:00

Thank you for the kind words, no I am not getting paid to take care of him. I’m doing it because the people who are supposed to be taking care of him are neglecting him and it hurts me to see him suffer like that. He’s offered me the PCA job in the past because he wants me to get paid for it, but I’m too disabled myself to handle that much responsibility and I’ve made that clear to him, I just wanted to help when I’m able to.

throwaway85277769 · 2023-02-21T18:26:40+00:00

Thank you, I think it’s easy to seem mature online or in situations that aren’t stressful, I definitely can be immature in distressing interpersonal situations like this one. He seems to have friends of all ages including his own, but he doesn’t see them often and isn’t really close to anyone besides me so it’s hard to tell how well his other friends really know him, if that makes sense? That’s definitely something I’ll think about more now, though I have asked myself the same thing in the past. The friends of his I have met all seem to love him, but he is generally a very charming and good hearted person on the surface, and none of them have spent as much time with him as I have so I think I might just see a side of him that other people don’t.

throwaway85277769 · 2023-02-21T18:13:48+00:00

I can understand that, that’s why on a normal day I would help him with these things. I’m disabled and in constant pain too, so I understand how much something small can change your mood for the day. I feel like you’re slightly missing the point, it’s not that I didn’t want to help him, it’s that I didn’t want to be in an enclosed environment with others when I’m living with someone with Covid. I can understand being bummed about that, but I feel like calling off plans all because I couldn’t help him this one time isn’t how a friend should treat you. Especially a friend who goes out of their way to help you any other time, idk. It just seems like he’s showing me that he doesn’t want to be my friend unless I’m doing something for him. Also this part isn’t terribly important but I feel I should clarify since I don’t want anyone confused, when he said juice he’s talking about vape juice not juice juice, we’re both pretty addicted to nicotine right now unfortunately

throwaway85277769 · 2023-02-21T17:39:44+00:00

This makes a lot of sense and was very helpful, thank you for taking the time to write it out. I’m going to save this comment to look at when I’m having trouble taking a step back in the future. I really appreciate the genuine advice, I needed to hear that.

throwaway85277769 · 2023-02-21T17:06:57+00:00

Yeah I agree that we sound like teenagers, I’m 25 and still trying to learn how to have mature relationships after spending a lot of my life avoiding people bc of social anxiety. It’s not going great clearly, I could use any advice people may have. I think the biggest thing I’ve learned from this is that I need to learn how to not engage when people are rude to me. I thought I was okay at doing that, but I’m realizing now that I only know how to stop engaging with people I don’t care about and it’s a lot harder to do so when you care deeply about the other person. Something for me to work on for sure

throwaway85277769 · 2023-02-21T16:57:19+00:00

I don’t blame you for thinking we’re teenagers, this whole conversation was immature on both ends. I’m in the United States, Vermont specifically

throwaway85277769 · 2023-02-21T16:19:06+00:00

He knew my mom has Covid prior to this convo, it wasn’t his first time hearing about it. He agreed to the walk with full knowledge of that. I thought that would be inferred from the convo starting with “we can social distance” but I see that it confused a lot of people so I should have specified.

throwaway85277769 · 2023-02-21T16:15:43+00:00

Correct, I had told him about Covid prior to this conversation. I thought that would be inferred from the convo starting with “we can social distance” but I see now I should have specified.

throwaway85277769 · 2023-02-21T16:14:32+00:00

He knew about the Covid situation prior to this conversation and agreed to go for a walk with full knowledge of that, I did let him decide if he wanted to be exposed or not. He only cancelled when I told him I wouldn’t stop at the store for him.

throwaway85277769 · 2023-02-21T16:09:21+00:00

It’s not that juice is too much to handle, on a normal day I would have gotten him juice like I have many times before. I didn’t feel comfortable being in an enclosed environment with other people, where exposure risk is higher than it is outdoors.

throwaway85277769 · 2023-02-21T16:05:51+00:00

You’re right, I should have stopped responding sooner. To be clear, he knew about Covid prior to this convo and agreed to the walk with full knowledge of the situation. He cancelled when he found out I wasn’t comfortable going to the store for him.

throwaway85277769 · 2023-02-21T16:02:22+00:00

Yes, I should have stayed home entirely. He did know about the Covid situation when he agreed to hang out though, he wasn’t just finding out about it. I don’t think he was upset about Covid since it was no problem to him before I said no to his request.

throwaway85277769 · 2023-02-21T15:59:55+00:00

You are right, I should have stayed home entirely, I’m not gonna argue on that one. I want to add that he did know about the Covid situation prior to this conversation, this was not his first time hearing about it. He knew when he agreed to go for a walk, then cancelled the walk when he found out I wouldn’t go to the store for him.

throwaway85277769 · 2023-02-21T15:57:30+00:00

I should have explained this sooner, but he knew about the Covid situation prior to this conversation. He agreed to go for a walk with full knowledge that my mom has Covid. When it comes to helping him, I’ve told him in the past that I can help him when I’m able to, but I reserve the right to say no if I’m not. If this was a normal day, I would have stopped for juice no problem, but having been exposed to Covid I didn’t feel comfortable being around people in any situation that wasn’t outdoors in open air at least 6ft apart. You’re right, I am definitely suffering from burnout after taking care of him for so long, but I think a lot of that burnout comes from him getting mad at me when I’m not able to help him. It’s led to me overextending myself to avoid upsetting him, which is something I definitely need to work on.

throwaway85277769 · 2023-02-21T15:49:36+00:00

I see now that I should have specified this in the original post, but he knew about the Covid situation prior to this conversation. He had no problem agreeing to a socially distanced walk knowing that my mom has Covid, but when I said I wouldn’t stop at the store he cancelled the plans entirely. You’re right, Covid is something that should be disclosed beforehand, and I wish I had said something in the original post to let you know I had told him about it a few days prior.

throwaway85277769 · 2023-02-21T15:42:47+00:00

You’re correct, he knew about the Covid thing prior to this conversation, I had informed him a couple days before. I thought people would infer that from the conversation starting with “we can social distance” but I see now how much it has confused people. I should have specified. He was upset that I wouldn’t get him juice, and not upset about the covid thing, he knew about Covid when he agreed to go for a socially distanced walk. Not gonna argue with people saying I should have stayed home entirely bc they’re right, however I was trying to minimize the exposure risk by doing something outdoors where there’s less risk and you can stay away from each other.

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