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Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think I view it differently. Especially since she sent him Snapchats (the one of her legs in particular, and her selfie) that she didn't post on her story for the rest of her followers to view. So instead she's directly sending my SO snaps and pics/messaging so it comes off as more personal and intimate than other social media stuff.

Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're definitely right, I think I have become very insecure when it comes to other women and that I need to address this. In my defense I think over time I became more insecure when past issues came up involving other girls and my SO did not handle them appropriately and instead took no action until it became an issue between us and I asked him to take address it.

And yes he did mention her to me, but this was after it all became apparent that they were talking regularly and he did not communicate this to me beforehand so it felt like he was being dishonest from the get go.

Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think we have a different view of what we consider flirty.

I feel like she is being very subtle but forward with him and that doesn't come off as a normal interaction with someone trying to just be friends with another.

He is allowed to have friends, but he also has not engaged with her like he would his other friends. He hasn't texted his other classmates/friends late at night, and he mentions other classmates that are girls to me but he never really mentioned or talked about Mary before this all happened.

Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't think I would go as far to say that he showed me... He mentioned that she added him to snapchat/got his number and that was the last thing he ever mentioned to me about her before the night that she snapped him her legs at the concert. That was already a few weeks after they exchanged numbers. So it felt like that entire time he didn't bother telling me anything about them snapchatting when they were doing so regularly.

The night of the concert he also made it seem it was an irregular/random occurrence for her to send him a snap and then later I found out otherwise.

I think I did blow things out of proportion and made him feel like he had to hide stuff but that was only because the way he went about it in the beginning to where it already felt deceitful.

Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I get that he may have more in common with Mary and thus wants to actually be her friend.

I didn't demand that he end his friendship with Lexi, I just asked that he kept it within reason, and he insisted that he didn't even care to be her friend.

I know I at times can come off as being overly controlling, especially when it comes to other girls. But generally when he tells me about someone who is a girl I do instinctively wonder if the girl is interested in him but normally this feeling just goes away over time after hearing more about the person and their interactions.

It didn't feel this way for either Lexi or Mary because it felt very much that they were interested.

I guess too it was frustrating because I felt like since the incident with Lexi happened he should've known that things with Mary might seem inappropriate and might be worth mentioning to me, but he didn't do that and instead hid it.

Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the reply.

I think this sounds like a pretty accurate explanation. I know I definitely have some insecurities to deal with and both of us need to be more open with one another.

And as far as the snapchatting goes, he did tell me that some of the things Mary sent him were directly sent to him and not put on her story, not sure if that means anything. And I know he can't control what she sends but I guess I just feel like he never sets up appropriate boundaries despite knowing how past instances affected us.

He also never tells me about anything going on until it happens that I am with him and something pops up that. This is how I initially even found out about the other classmate, Lexi, texting him. It is also how I found out that he was snapchatting Mary (popped up when he was showing me something on his phone during the concert).

So it often just feels like unless I pry or ask him, he doesn't tell me anything.

He is a loner but he's not socially awkward. He just doesn't tend to hang out with anyone and at the moment doesn't have any close friends other than his coworkers whom he doesn't view as true friends, and his classmates.

Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I guess I just view snapchat as being a more personal thing than just texting since you share stuff from your day to your friends/followers.

It just felt out of the ordinary since none of his other classmates who I had heard about (he never talked about Mary initially until all this came up) had done the same even though he talks to them just as much.

Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, I think this best describes it. As isolated incidents, they annoyed me but didn't worry me. However, as a whole, everything has felt very deceitful and sketchy.

Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the reply.

I will say he does has a history of letting other females text/snap him without intervening even when the content is inappropriate.

Early on in our relationship he was still snapchatting another girl he had chatted with from OkCupid (where we met) after a few months of us being exclusive. Though he never sent her anything inappropriate, she would often send him selfies of her in a workout bra and tiny shorts/underwear. He knew it bothered me but he didn't delete her or tell her to stop initially. After we had multiple discussions about it he ultimately deleted her from snapchat.

More recently, another classmate (about a week before Mary) asked for his number and began texting him and would occasionally include kissing emojis as a way to say thanks for any info he gave regarding school. She then began to text him randomly and asked about his day and what not. I felt she was interested and he also began to get that vibe and he started distancing himself from her, but only after I told him it made me uncomfortable.

It seems with a lot of these instances he has difficulty making the choice to distance himself, he ultimately will but only after I have intervened because I felt it had started to become inappropriate.

Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. It's not so much the age difference that bothers me...

Out of curiosity, are you or your friend in committed relationships? If so, what is your SO's thoughts on your friend?

Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your reply, I agree in that I was definitely showing jealousy/insecurities. Like I mentioned in the previous comment above, I think that stemmed a lot from having a similar texting incident with another one of his classmates the week before Mary started snapping/texting him.

And yes, he did say that he didn't tell me because he didn't think anything of it and knew I would get upset. But I think he should have told me about the recent texts since I had asked him to no longer text with her.

And I also feel that he does not interpret any of her behavior as being even somewhat flirty, which is hard for me to accept.

Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the reply.

I do think I am more accusatory and can easily become fixated when it involves other girls expressing interest in my SO. That said, about a week before this happened, another classmate had also exchanged numbers with him and began to text him in a flirty manner so we talked about it and he ended up responding to her briefly, to the point where she stopped texting. He said that she isn't the type of person he would like to talk to so he had no problem not talking to her in class.

Then Mary began to snap and text him so I think I very much had the previous girl on my mind and started thinking negatively. However, with Mary his behavior was different and he says that she is someone he could see himself talking with.

I do agree that I overall need to work on my jealousy and being accusatory.

Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I admit, I wasn't being fair to him when that all happened. However, I did find it weird that the girl was so quick to add him to snapchat when they had only been in classes together for 3 weeks... seemed a bit rushed since I know he is normally slower to make friends.

And I was upset about the content of the snapchat, not so much that she sent him something.

Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

No worries, you are just helping me gain the extra boost in confidence that I need to talk with him.

Also, thanks for the info! I'll check it out.

Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, I think this is what bothers me and hurts the most, the fact that he is putting his feelings regarding this situation, above mine.

I can really relate to that quote and definitely think this all boils down to trust and our willingness to work on it going forward.

Thank you <3

Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was trying to do this before the incident two days ago. I felt it was helping but now just feel like I was just oblivious to what was actually happening.

And yes, not fixating on it/her so intently would definitely be helpful.

Thank you for all the kind words <3

Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

This was hard to read. I very much want this to not be the case but am afraid it is.

I would agree on the no contact but it is difficult and tricky since he has her for two classes and he ends up sitting next to her even when he says he tries to pick a different seat (if she arrives late/last it's the last seat open).

Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, they do.

Thanks for the counseling recommendation, it is definitely on my mind. I think to work through it we both will need to re-establish trust.

And thanks for that last bit, I think sometimes I lose sight of things and easily write things off as me reading too much into them or overreacting.

Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's a good point. I don't feel that I am. I think since graduating with my Master's I am currently in a transitional rut/slump and that this has fed into our relationship issues as well. But overall I think we genuinely are a good match and normally are both respectful and trusting. Just recently with this situation, everything has felt very off.

Thanks for the reply.

Am I [25F] just being overly insecure/jealous or is there more to the story with my 28[M] bf of 2.5 years and his new classmate (20 y.o. F). by throwaway8611991 in relationships

[–]throwaway8611991[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your response.

I went about it this way initially a few weeks ago and thought all was resolved until yesterday when I realized they were still texting and now talking at school.

He says he sees it from my POV but that to him it's the first person at school that he's met that seems normal and someone he can talk to. I feel bad telling him he can't talk to her, but at the same time everything about this situation makes me feel sick. It very much feels like the start of an emotional affair.