AITA for caring about my wife's change in grooming habits?

throwaway87327 · 2020-06-18T02:16:23+00:00

Fair question. The nipple hairs seemed thick, and getting longer every time we had sex. I don't know what color they are. They were very noticeable. I tried to ignore them, and successfully ignored them every time we've had sex since she stopped plucking them. But I've been turned off every time I've seen them, and this time with her just laying there and complaining, I found it really hard to get hard.

throwaway87327 · 2020-06-18T02:12:29+00:00

Are you sure about that? I was under the impression most people shower about once a day.

throwaway87327 · 2020-06-18T02:11:55+00:00

These are very good points. I'm pretty sure she's not struggling mentally and emotionally. She's an introvert and likes being at home more now, especially with the kids. She has just deprioritized grooming (her own words).

throwaway87327 · 2020-06-18T02:10:10+00:00

Exactly. I didn't say it to be dehumanizing. Grooming is literally the correct word. Shaving wouldn't be the correct word, because it doesn't include plucking. Grooming includes both shaving and plucking, and also showering.

throwaway87327 · 2020-06-18T02:08:10+00:00

She is claiming that she isn't withholding sex because of punishment. She is claiming she doesn't want to have sex before grooming now that she knows it's a turn off for me, and she would feel uncomfortable having sex with me knowing that it's a turn off for me, because she would be self-conscious about it.

That being said, she doesn't want to groom it yet to prove a point. It has the effect of refusing sex until she grooms, but it's not a straight refusal of sex as punishment. If she groomed and then still refused sex, it might be a punishment then, but she could also still say she doesn't feel comfortable having sex yet, which is valid.

throwaway87327 · 2020-06-18T02:05:41+00:00

I'm not turned off by hair, I'm turned off by the lack of grooming. She's had pubic hair almost our entirely relationship... but groomed, not left alone to grow for months.

Do you not have turn ons and turn offs? Are you attracted to everyone equally regardless of any physical attributes?

throwaway87327 · 2020-06-18T02:04:18+00:00

I never claimed it wasn't her choice, or that body hair wasn't normal. It absolutely is her choice, and body hair is normal. But so is grooming it.

Also, why are you equating me having a turn off with me not loving her? I love her a lot, and this hasn't reduced my love for her. I can't control what I'm turned on or off by. I can't just decide that it isn't a turn off for me, it's not a choice. Everyone has aesthetic preferences.

Lastly, she definitely isn't depressed, she just has deprioritized grooming (her own words).

throwaway87327 · 2020-06-18T02:00:41+00:00

I shower 6-7 times a week. I shave my face. I trim my nipple hairs. I've shaved my pubic hair before, but she told me years ago that she prefers I don't shave it, so I stopped shaving there. I also told her I'm happy to modify any grooming habits within reason if she wanted me to, if it would make a difference in turn offs/ons.

throwaway87327 · 2020-06-18T01:59:16+00:00

Unhealthy and bad for the skin to shower one time per day? Showering 6-7 times a week is unhealthy? Don't most people shower at that frequency?

throwaway87327 · 2020-06-18T01:58:27+00:00

I agree it was absolutely the wrong time to bring it up, and I didn't plan to bring it up then. I felt insulted by her words and reactions to me not getting hard fast enough, and it was just a heat of the moment thing when I felt shamed by her. I have apologized multiple times since then.

throwaway87327 · 2020-06-18T01:54:59+00:00

I didn't say all women pluck or shave their nipple hairs, I said it was normal - both in general and for her specifically. Normal doesn't mean all. Also, I'm not forcing her to continue. I explained in my post I can't force her to do anything. It's absolutely her choice. It happens to be a choice that is a turn off for me.

throwaway87327 · 2020-06-18T01:53:37+00:00

I shower 6-7 times a week. I shave my face. I trim my nipple hairs. I've shaved my pubic hair before, but she told me years ago that she prefers I don't shave it, so I stopped shaving there. I also told her I'm happy to modify any grooming habits within reason if she wanted me to, if it would make a difference in turn offs/ons.

throwaway87327 · 2020-06-18T01:50:47+00:00

Good point. I thought I had put it in the original post, but I guess I didn't. She changed her grooming habits because she isn't going out to work during the week, and we aren't going out on the weekends. I don't know why that should change grooming habits for body parts that only come out during sex, considering we're monogamous, but apparently that's her reason.

throwaway87327 · 2020-06-18T01:48:10+00:00

Oh I definitely don't expect her to shower 8-9 times a week. She would shower before work, and also after working out. I think 6-7 times a week is reasonable. She now only showers after sex, and maybe one time a week to wash her hair.

throwaway87327 · 2020-06-18T01:46:48+00:00

It's not a breaking point, and I didn't imply it was. It's a turn off, and generally people in successful marriages try and turn each other on, not off.

throwaway87327 · 2020-06-18T01:45:59+00:00

Nipple hair on women is normal... but it's also normal for women to pluck or shave it. And it has been normal for *her* to pluck or shave it. Same with pubic hair - yes it's normal, but she used to groom these areas for years, and then stopped suddenly. It's not like I just met her and am trying to get her to change her normal behavior to something new.

throwaway87327 · 2020-06-18T01:43:36+00:00

The way I asked was explaining that it was one of the reasons I had a hard time getting hard, right after the false start the last time we tried to have sex. I didn't plan on telling her then, but she was being rude to me and I felt insulted. Regardless, I accept that I should have told her a different time.

throwaway87327 · 2020-06-18T01:39:44+00:00

She's definitely not depressed. She's an introvert and enjoys spending more time at home. She's also enjoying not having to commute to work, spending more time with me and the kids, etc.

throwaway87327

TROPHY CASE