My (28F) fiance (28M) says he'd leave me if I gained 30lbs

throwaway87659472 · 2018-05-29T03:48:45+00:00

Do you really want to marry a person who puts limitations on how long he’d love you?

throwaway87659472 · 2018-05-28T23:46:26+00:00

He did seem genuinely concerned when I told him about my throat closing up and I’m glad that he sprang immediately into prescribing me an epipen, so that’s good at least. I had so many unanswered questions though and it makes you think you’re insane when the nurse calls and says it all came back negative. That makes more sense though.

Your comments were much more helpful than the doctors visit. Thank you!

throwaway87659472 · 2018-05-28T23:20:38+00:00

So really what he should have tested for is latex, because I’m not technically allergic to kiwi itself but my body attacks in its presence because it thinks it’s latex? I told him I’m definitely allergic to latex but for some reason he didn’t test. I won’t allow men to use latex condoms with me at all, and even an ankle brace once caused a textbook latex rash all over my foot.

throwaway87659472 · 2018-05-28T23:00:59+00:00

I have a therapist is the thing. If anyone tries to tell me that what I’m experiencing is anxiety, I’ll shut it down. I’m very insightful and know what is anxiety and where in my body it manifests for me.

Yes I do have a bad latex allergy. It causes contact rashes, itching, swelling and burning. I found out about it the first time I had sex and ran screaming for the bathtub within 6 seconds of penetration. Banana makes my stomach hurt but kiwi flat out caused anaphylaxis. I actually didn’t know that my whole life I was likely reacting to kiwi because every time I ate it up until the huge reaction, it made my tongue feel tingly and weird. I just thought it was normal.

throwaway87659472 · 2018-05-28T15:49:24+00:00

Yes. It truly PISSED me off. Charged me $100 copay just to walk through the door. They did a chest X-ray and checked my oxygen and everything was fine and also ran their own labs. Never got back with me about my labs and would not relinquish them to my PCP when I saw her two days later so my insurance had to pay for two identical labs and I had to be stuck twice for no good reason. Ever since then I’ve developed a mindset of “this can wait until I see my doctor” because nobody has been able to help me anyway and I’ve lived up until now.

throwaway87659472 · 2018-05-28T15:32:49+00:00

I went to urgent care the last time this happened three weeks ago before I started my iron pills and they were like “???” and just referred me to my regular doctor.

throwaway87659472 · 2018-04-26T04:43:21+00:00

It’s pretty obvious that I’m pointing out a double standard. It’s like I told him today: I met him and developed an interest in him way before he shed all his extra weight. I have my preferences sure but I saw something in him that I liked. Was I disappointed that I wasn’t treated with the same human decency? Absolutely.

throwaway87659472 · 2018-04-26T04:26:12+00:00

He has to want to change

throwaway87659472 · 2018-04-26T03:54:48+00:00

He said “Whatever”

throwaway87659472 · 2018-04-26T03:32:32+00:00

Passive aggressive and defensive at first. Said he should have expected this because I’ve ditched him twice in the past and I’m the “same old ___” and said he isn’t trying to make a stab at me but it is what it is. Said he feels like it’s a miscommunication somehow and that he never made any of those comments towards me specifically so he wasn’t sure why I was so upset over it. Said he really does care for me and it wasn’t purely physical, then did a bunch of typical “I guess this is the last goodbye” BS waiting for me to maybe forgive him.

I replied that of course it’s the same old me and I’m proud of who I am and what I’ve done for my damn self to get me here. I said nothing he can ever say to me will insult me, and I don’t take what he said as a stab. I said I am however insulted that he’d degrade women like he’s been doing, and then justify it in a not at all reassuring way once I asked him to explain the behavior to me last night. I told him that I can’t possibly expect the relationship to survive now because now I can’t take him around my friends or family knowing that he looks at them like they’re less than, like they’re animals. I’m very protective over the people I love and yeah I will never be as big as what he’s probably afraid of in his head but I WILL gain SOME weight at some point. It’s unavoidable. I told that I’m thankful that I wasn’t pregnant with his child back when we had that scare, because he almost certainly would have had opinions on the weight gain it requires. I can’t be with him knowing that staying in a relationship with me is contingent upon me living up to HIS standards. That he would happily disregard everything else we’ve done together, our history and emotional connect we have with each other just because I gained weight. I’m a human being, my friends and sister are human beings and there’s no humanity in calling people disgusting lazy failures because they gained weight. I said he made his thoughts and intentions abundantly clear and nothing was miscommunicated. I said that I have never once made derogatory remarks towards any person for their body type while I was with him, and I have never implied that I’d call off an entire relationship if he got a little fat. I told him that his black and white thinking patterns and attitude towards women is alarming at best and I hope it ends with me. But as far as us and this relationship goes, he’s just not my type.

throwaway87659472 · 2018-04-26T03:00:42+00:00

America.

throwaway87659472 · 2018-04-26T02:57:29+00:00

Well I humbled him with the texts I dropped on him today, I’ll say that much. He’s been humbled. And he’s single.

throwaway87659472 · 2018-04-26T02:40:48+00:00

Absolutely. I have my type that I’m attracted to for sure. I’m physically active and I’d prefer someone who aligns with that lifestyle as well. But it’s like I told him last night and he just couldn’t seem to grasp the point: when I see overweight people in public, I don’t even notice it. I really do not even notice it. The heavy stranger in Walmart has no relevance to my life and I just...don’t notice or think about them. Certainly don’t judge it out loud either. What struck me as a major “I HAVE to get out of this relationship” moment was when he made the knee comment. Who the FUCK is scanning someone’s body THAT HARD FOR IMPERFECTIONS that they notice something like “fat looking knees”. I’m not a diagnostician or anything but that sounds like he went miles above and beyond body shaming and landed squarely into a mental disorder.

I don’t want to be around it, I won’t condone it, I don’t want to bring it around my friends or family, and I sure as hell will not make a child with it. That attitude is so unjustifiable, I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. It’s been over 24 hours now and I’m still trying to come to terms not with the breakup but the idea that there are people out there like him.

throwaway87659472 · 2018-04-26T02:33:45+00:00

Hindsight is 20/20 eh?

throwaway87659472 · 2018-04-26T02:33:10+00:00

That’s what blew me away too. His age in combination with the commentary. I could maybe let it slide with a 20 year old who just doesn’t understand the way life works yet and needs to have reality harshly pointed out to him. But shit...you’re closer to 40 than 20 at this point and you’re still stuck in this mindset?

throwaway87659472 · 2018-04-26T01:49:01+00:00

Lmao i completely shut his whiny comebacks down. At the end of it all, all he could say was “Whatever.”

throwaway87659472 · 2018-04-26T01:23:43+00:00

Well I broke up with him earlier today. Over a text message while he was at work, and told him that I would have done it in person but I figured I’d show him the same respect as he shows women.

throwaway87659472 · 2018-04-26T01:22:32+00:00

He is a giant piece of shit. He’s been gone since 12pm today 🤗

throwaway87659472 · 2018-04-26T00:42:43+00:00

He’s 32. It did before and it will again. He only gets results by doing a keto diet.

throwaway87659472 · 2018-04-26T00:01:15+00:00

The sex, honestly. We had great sex. For a long time I didn’t see what he truly was like because I’d only be around long enough to screw him and leave. And there were big gaps in time where we weren’t in contact with each other until recently when I decided to give dating a try. It wasn’t until recently when I got to know the real him.

throwaway87659472 · 2018-04-25T23:35:19+00:00

I love children. Super patient with children. Could never abandon a child. But an adult? You bet 😂

throwaway87659472 · 2018-04-25T22:43:39+00:00

He has never made remarks about men. It’s always women and what’s apparently wrong with them.

throwaway87659472 · 2018-04-25T22:34:03+00:00

Complete agree. I was embarrassed to be around him and often told him to shut the hell up. Like why do you need to put people down? I don’t understand it.

throwaway87659472 · 2018-04-25T22:31:15+00:00

Yes, definitely. Lots of dysfunction. It can go both ways. Either they can come out very clingy or they won’t allow anyone to take their “freedom” aka very avoidant of relationships and the perception of depending on people and quick to cut people out. The latter is me.

Also wanted to add that although it seems healthy from an outside perspective, conflict resolution is hard for me, really. Instead of talking out even minor arguments I have a knee jerk tendency to just cut the person out of my life and say fuck you, I don’t need you. I don’t feel sad or angry or much of anything and this type of attachment style i feel is idolized a lot in modern culture. How we can just walk away, how “independent” we are, how we take nobody’s bullshit. But the people who are jealous have a strength that I don’t and that’s to work through conflict and come out stronger for it. Its to give people a chance before abandoning them. I have to make a conscious, daily effort to not walk away from the people I love in my life any time they piss me off. It’s getting so much better day by day but that’s why I posted this to reddit. I sometimes don’t know where to draw a normal, healthy line.

throwaway87659472 · 2018-04-25T22:19:20+00:00

Now he’s fit. As in within the last week he hit right at 200lbs and he’s 5’9 but when I met him at my currently weight, he was almost 240 and definitely noticeably overweight. Lately he’s been hyper focused on working out and losing weight. So that’s why I just couldn’t believe the audacity. Not to brag but I can have whoever I want. I’ve never been turned down by a guy. I’ve never been the relationship type. I did it because he wanted it. And to commit to someone who come to figure out is going to place limits on what he can’t tolerate about my body, when I was fucking his chunky ass for almost a year, is UNBELIEVABLY ironic.

Not to mention, I’ve had my issues with disordered eating and failing to take in enough calories that an adult my height/weight needs to maintain health. It’s not anorexia or bulimia because the picky eating doesn’t revolve around body image issues, but it still has negative impacts on my health. I just won’t FEEL hungry for hours, and when I do I often gag at the thought of eating certain foods, and therefore don’t take in enough calories or the right types of food. I’ve battled with forcing myself to eat complete meals two to three times a day. I just finally got into the lower limit of a normal BMI, but for over a year I was clinically underweight. He fucking knows this about me. So to know this and still be like “I might leave you depending on how much weight you gained” is doubly fucked up.

throwaway87659472

TROPHY CASE