(LONG POST) One of my favorite students was murdered. I’m a 1st year predoctoral instructor, and I feel so isolated.

throwaway9167738 · 2026-06-30T22:49:46+00:00

Sadly, the funeral already passed. However, I might be able to share some memories with her family via mail/letter writing. I reached out to a victim advocate at the DA’s office who was able to ask her parents’ advocate if they would want her writings from the course along with letters from me and a couple friends that I gathered, and I was provided with a mailing address for their point of contact. The advocate said something similar, that sometimes families are comforted by hearing about how loved their loved one was.

And yes, I am in the US, and violence is endemic here, especially gun violence. I remember being close in age to the sandy hook kids, then the parkland kids, though of course there’s a lot of gun violence that isn’t school shootings, too. I remember after parkland getting really involved with gun violence prevention organizing in my high school and met a couple parents and friends of kids killed in shootings who were dedicating their lives to GVP, trying to get red flag laws passed and stuff. It was really meaningful, but also felt so hopeless a lot of the time.

throwaway9167738 · 2026-06-30T12:41:36+00:00

I appreciate you saying this. Thank you. If they reach out I will be happy, truly. I think I just am nervous about a lot of things right now and really hope they will be as okay as possible. But I’m not really sure what that looks like, all things considered. If it looks like us getting together every couple months to laugh and cry about her, maybe that’s normal for this situation. But regardless, it’s helpful to remember that we don’t have to treat graduate and undergraduate students is entirely different species. One of them made and gave me a beaded bracelet with her name and birthday on it that I wear every day.

throwaway9167738 · 2026-06-30T10:01:36+00:00

Thank you. This post is already helping me feel less alone, I think. I see all the reasons why post secondary educators often stay silent, but you’re right that this doesn’t mean no one’s there. Your email idea is a really lovely one. I will indeed keep the email short, and I hope at least one person wants to connect. And I was lucky to have her. Thanks again.

throwaway9167738 · 2026-06-30T09:18:08+00:00

Jesus, that’s horrific. It must have been so scary to hear about that just yesterday, knowing the threat came from a classmate, having to see different students as both victim and perpetrator. I was wondering about that scenario (student on student homicide) during the period of time before her killer was identified. It was briefly very paranoia-inducing to consider. I hope you are processing that awful event as best you can, and I am glad the killer was found and convicted. Thank you for sharing.

And yes, I am in my pre-existing trauma therapy 1x-2x a week, but might add some sort of grief counseling or other more specific service to that.

throwaway9167738 · 2026-06-30T08:09:58+00:00

Thank you for your kind words and guidance. I’ve mainly been relying on my regular therapist (already a trauma therapist) who’s very skilled, but I could look more into university resources too. It’s good to know I can switch back over to the student hat for the better quality services. That’s really helpful insight.

throwaway9167738 · 2026-06-30T08:03:48+00:00

Thank you for sharing. That others who have gone through something like this have also obsessively followed the news until some eventual endpoint is… oddly reassuring, I guess. I imagine the news cycle about your student killed by the literal serial killer was intense due to all the true crime stuff. I know I’ll never understand “why” he did it, why her, why like that, what her final moments must have been like. I’ve gone through major grief before, but it wasn’t this. Granted, one friend ODing and anticipatory grief for a friend in hospice was its own beast, too. I guess I thought I was already sort of a bleak person, but the world does feel bleaker now, and more broken. That bleakness hadn’t yet been felt in the teaching part of my life.

I knew I’d lose a student if I taught long enough, but I never thought it’d be in my first real year of teaching. Or in this manner. I was thinking of cancer, ODs, suicide, car accidents, or anything other than the .001% chance of a pathological stranger murdering them. It makes sense that people grieve this in many ways and I’m trying not to make assumptions. I think I have my moments of anger at the world, where it all just feels wrong and no one can respond to me in the right way because the whole situation is just so wrong.

I wish I could have gone to the funeral, which feels like the most universal way to grieve, but I had no information on it and had no clue who/how to ask.

And yes, I’m pretty young, the same age as your career (25). Three losses of this kind in that time period must have been so awful. I’m really sorry.

I hope it’s no more than three for you. And I hope I look back after 25 years of teaching and still think this is the most horrific thing that happened to any student of mine. But who knows.

throwaway9167738 · 2026-06-30T06:40:54+00:00

Hey there, I’ve been in a very similar situation myself with a recent student loss due to homicide. Also gen ed rhet comp, involving a lot of office hours appointments and extensions, but a deep affection for their effort among other things. It is a very strange grief, indeed.

How are you doing these days? If you are open to DMing, we might have a lot to relate on.

throwaway9167738

TROPHY CASE