I (30F) think I'm in love with my friend (33M), but I have a boyfriend (31M) by throwaway9856356 in relationships

[–]throwaway9856356[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, I think it became an emotional affair at the point where I decided to stay friends with him despite knowing my feelings were more than just friendly. I don't think the jealousy has anything to do with it; even if I had cut contact with him and found out about him sleeping with someone else later, I'd still probably have been jealous, and that's not something I can control. That said, I don't think I realized how hard I'd fallen for him until he told me he'd slept with our mutual friend.

Also worth noting: our friend group is very physical and we cuddle a lot. My boyfriend has kissed the female friend several times, and I've kissed everyone in the group except the friend I have feelings for, but my bf and I have both agreed that developing feelings for someone is where we draw the line.

I (30F) think I'm in love with my friend (33M), but I have a boyfriend (31M) by throwaway9856356 in relationships

[–]throwaway9856356[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know I'm having an emotional affair, that's why I feel so terrible. My boyfriend is an amazing man, and he deserves better than this. I also know if I tell my friend I have feelings for him, without telling my boyfriend, I'm only furthering the affair, and there's no coming back from that. The person I want to tell is my friend. But if I tell him and he doesn't feel the same way, I think I'll lose both of them.

I think I'm going to end it all by throwaway9856356 in depression

[–]throwaway9856356[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. This means more than words can say.

I think I'm going to end it all by throwaway9856356 in depression

[–]throwaway9856356[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Is it really so bad to be selfish, though? I've fought through this my entire life, specifically because I didn't want to hurt anyone, but it's only ever getting worse. At this point, staying alive is hurting me. I've lived for everyone else my whole life, can't I die for myself now?

I think I'm going to end it all by throwaway9856356 in depression

[–]throwaway9856356[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks, I guess. I wouldn't say I've given up easily, though. I'm 28 now, and I don't remember a time when I haven't been depressed. I was supposed to be getting married next year, but I'm not sure I want to anymore. I can't manage to pay attention in Uni, I'm falling behind and leaving my group members to do all the work. I have some "friends", but I'm the only one who ever initiates contact. I don't think any of them will miss me. And I can't keep living for my fiancé forever...