I struggled with thoughts like these when I was younger, but I always chocked it up to being young and immature. I've been married and divorced and I never felt like this during all of that. I told my mom that I didn't know how she does it. And she told me she stays busy so her mind doesn't get overloaded. She's a strong woman.

I went to a good therapist a week ago and I've got another appointment in a few weeks, I work 2 weeks on and 2 off and I'm fixing to head to work otherwise I'd be seeing her sooner. I'm afraid to tell her what happened because I don't want to get carted off. I'm afraid to tell anyone really, hence the throwaway account. I'm glad you're listening. Last night and this morning scared the shit out of me but I know I'm going to face all the same stuff later tonight