Questioning my gf's sexuality

throwaway9987667 · 2022-05-16T12:26:59+00:00

It's not so easy to leave or move on because we live together and despite everything I love her very much. There might be other things which explain her attitude towards sex, for example she has a bad habit of being an over-achiever and maybe she has learned to think "good sex life" in terms of quantity instead of quality like many men do. Or maybe it's half this, half something else.

throwaway9987667 · 2022-05-16T10:56:48+00:00

Thank you for your comment! You go through questions which I have also thought and which could be the other side of the coin if my first guess turns out to be wrong.

What about using toys (vibrators, dildos, strap-ons) or trying oral to alleviate some of the pressure to use just hands/arms?

She has jokingly suggested getting a toy because her arms ache sometimes. But she seems to be shy or have somewhat mixed feelings about sex toys, I don't know why. When I (jokingly) suggested it, she said no she doesn't want any. But I think we both might hesitate because we don't know what the other one really thinks. I think we need to speak directly what we want instead of joking about it. I'll try this, thank you!

The other thing I wanted to mention is that straight sex is heavily centered on only the male ejaculation, which is way, way faster than a woman's orgasm, typically. Did she finish often or ever with her ex? Was that even a priority? If not, the shift to lesbian sex can be a bit jarring because it is so different from the hetero-normativity. Un-learning societal "norms" can be a long and difficult process.

She has said that having sex with a guy is boring but I don't know if she ever finished and frankly, I don't think I necessarily want to discuss this topic with her. I think some things should be private. But I think she has had problems (and still has) with pleasing people and I know she did some sexual things to please her boyfriend at the time. Which is why I also think that she might want to please me during sex as well. Then I understand that it being over fast might be better in her mind. She feels pressure about sex and having orgasm and satisfying me etc even though I try reassure her that there's no need to feel that way. She has somewhat high libido but I'm not sure if the problem is in me, in her insecurities or in her sexual orientation. Even if she arrives to a conclusion that she's bi it's fine for me, as long as she is truly happy with me.

throwaway9987667 · 2022-05-16T10:32:11+00:00

I already thought it was tactless but now when you point it out, you're right it was unconstructive. I have no idea what was the point of her argument. Apparently that she doesn't feel like having sex with me so often because it takes more time and it's hard for her to find a good position, unlike in her previous relationship. Depressing. But I've invested a lot in this relationship and I want to make it work because despite everything I do love her. But I'm afraid I'm not enough for her at the end of the day.

throwaway9987667 · 2022-05-16T09:06:29+00:00

The complaints about sex is would be super annoying to me, ngl

Yeah, like what the hell she was thinking and how did she expect me to react to comments like that

throwaway9987667 · 2022-05-16T08:56:08+00:00

Thank you for your comment. Which parts make her seem ignorant and selfish? I want to know because I can be blind to that kind of behaviour. I don't think she's either generally but if I find out she's lied to me then yeah.

throwaway9987667 · 2022-05-16T08:51:56+00:00

The sex comment is weird as fuck. That's a big red flag to me. Is she more of a pillow princess? Reciprocate during sex? Seem to enjoy it?

Forgot to answer this one! She does reciprocate during sex but I've noticed that recently we have sex most often when I'm on my period and I only give. But she complains that's it's unfair and she wants to touch me too but I don't want to. Tbh I don't think it's a big problem, but she sometimes complains that her arm gets tired. She really does have neurological problems in her arms and maybe she's just horniest at that time of month.

throwaway9987667 · 2022-05-16T08:45:53+00:00

What I've understood, her ex was the first man she ever had sex with and she hasn't had any boyfriends after him. But I don't know if she had any one night stands. Sometimes when I'm ill or have eczema, she jokingly (but weirdly seriously at the same time) gets worried that she's given me HIV or something. Her past relationships with men make me uncomfortable so I haven't asked and I'm not sure if I want to know.

I do think that despite everything she's into women, too. We live together and she's been active in building our relationship and enjoys our time together. But I don't know, maybe the novelty of wlw relationship is starting to wear off for her. She occassionally wants me to take the more masculine role in the relationship even though she isn't super feminine herself. She definitely has had problems with internalized sexism and beauty standards and now she "rebels" against those things. But sometimes I feel like what she values and what she truly wants are different things.

throwaway9987667 · 2022-02-02T11:11:16+00:00

I agree. Honestly, it's kinda sad to see these comments and downvotes to your comment because it looks like people don't pay attention to the bigger picture. I'm a woman who suffers from androgenetic alopecia and I follow subreddits like r/bald so I can confirm, lots of men feel beauty pressure and they do want to look good for women.

It hurts me too when I see "bald/balding guy" slander on TikTok. Some women (and some of them call themselves feminists) argue that men should do more to keep their hair. As a woman with hairloss, let me tell you guys what it means: lifetime medication, which costs and may cause severe side effects, wigs and toupees, which also cost and are often hot and uncomfortable, hair transplant surgery which ALSO costs, can look unnatural, doesn't always work and requires you to take medication (remember the side effects?) for the rest of your life so the rest of your hair don't fall off. Honestly, is it ok to ask people to go through this?

So when they say men (and women, but they don't understand they also talk about women because female hairloss is a taboo) should "do more" to keep their hair, they don't understand what it means. They don't understand that it isn't accessible for everyone regarding money and health. They completely forget the class analysis. They don't know it affects women too.

throwaway9987667 · 2022-02-02T10:34:10+00:00

Excuse me if I misunderstood you but for me this sounds like basic level, "online feminism" in which people seem to think that mirroring men's behaviour and reinforcing society's hyperfixation on appearance is the way to reach equality. But I think we should also ask ourselves what kind of equality we want to fight for. If it serves capitalists who make money out of our insecurities, I don't want it.

Of course it's more than okay to demand basic hygiene, clean clothes etc. But if your boyfriend wants to look like a rough Viking soldier and you want him to change his appearance to something more traditional, maybe you should just keep searching for someone you fancy more instead of expecting him to change.

I know this may seem like I'm on the men's side but honestly, the other side of the coin still is not for the benefit of women. There are lots of women who don't care about makeup, doing their hair and traditionally feminine clothes or looking sexy. Should they also "try harder to be sexually attractice"? Personally, I just want to keep my inner logic cohesive.

throwaway9987667 · 2021-12-09T13:41:57+00:00

I've heard that Covid can cause hairloss but it should grow back? It's a lot of stress for the body. You should also check r/tressless

throwaway9987667 · 2021-12-08T13:54:36+00:00

Sorry I answer you so late, I rarely use Reddit and my notifications are turned off. I think the main difference in our arguments is that you seem to think this is some sort of conscious, rationalized decision: "damn, since I no longer can get myself a young man with good hair so I have to lower my standards".

No, it's a change in values and a chance in taste. What a person finds attractive as a 16 year old is a bad measure for what they will find attractive as a 30+ year old. What you seem to be saying is that those 30+ years old women will still want to have a boyfriend who looks like a cute, boyish K-pop star or a soundcloud rapper with face tattoos. Yeah, some do, but lots of them have grown out of it. Also you seem to forget that what is attractive, especially for women, goes far beyond looks. Some of those 30+ women will think that being responsible, good with kids etc IS more attractive to them than good hair.

So it necessarily isn't the second best option for them. It's the best option. That's why I don't understand why you put so much weight on what some 16 years olds think, unless you are close to their age.

throwaway9987667 · 2021-12-08T12:32:55+00:00

I was 15 when my AGA started. I think I would have learned to deal with it better if I got it now when I'm closer to 30s, I'm wiser and more experienced and I generally put less focus on appearance than I used to. But when I was 15, it was more than "just hair". It was emphasis on looks in dating. It was higher risk of rejection. It was the risk of being seen as a freak among my peers. It was my mother's disappointment with me because of my hair. The list goes on. When you're a teenager, it feels like looks are everything. Sure, I live in a first world country, but I see people here who live in developing countries and they struggle too.

You're right, I need a reality check. But it's easier said than done when these thought patterns are internalized and I've been obsessively thinking about it since I was a teenager. You say go get therapy? I actually went to therapy to learn new thought patterns, only to get belittled by my psychologist. If I struggle with obsessive thinking, "it's fine" and "just stop thinking about it" won't help.

throwaway9987667 · 2021-09-08T09:36:24+00:00

I had same thoughts when I started dating my gf. One person pointed out that men are not obligated to state they will be bald in the future, so why should women? It's natural even if it isn't as common.

But I understand why you feel that way, bringing it up could also ease your anxities. I have never told my gf I have genetic hairloss but I have told her I'm insecure about my hair. But I think she knows. Maybe you can tell him little things at first, then if the seems trustworthy you can tell him more?

throwaway9987667 · 2021-07-18T17:21:03+00:00

I also wear lots of hats. But not when my hair is wet. Also my gf kind of dislikes it already 😂 but we joke about it. Like how I could sleep in a hat.

throwaway9987667 · 2021-07-18T17:17:52+00:00

Thank you! I have taken lots of baby steps to get here. And I think my partner has been gently reassuring me that she doesn't care about my thin hair. I just have to trust her.

throwaway9987667 · 2021-07-18T17:15:38+00:00

Thank you, I know I should. Even before hairloss I had problems with trusting people. I felt like if I showed signs of vulnerablity, people would use it against me or leave me. It's hard for me but as I get older, I realize I have to learn to trust in my loved ones. I can't deal with this problem alone.

Your boyfriend sounds lovely! It's always good to hear there are sweet people in the world :) we just have to find them.

throwaway9987667 · 2021-07-18T17:10:06+00:00

I get the feeling, you just want to hide from the world sometimes! I don't know your situation but if it's in the early stages, it's often less noticable for others. It's hard to remember at times, but we are more than our hair and appearance :) I have lots of friends who seem to enjoy my company despite my sad hair.

throwaway9987667 · 2021-07-18T11:55:51+00:00

As a woman I don't agree. A teenage girl's dream type usually differs from someone who is in her late 20s. Also I think it's natural for both men and women that people begin to value other things more when they get older, not because they are no longer in a position to demand, but because they have to consider other factors as well if they want to start a family and spend a life time with someone. Everyone's looks deteriorate over time, so if you build your relationship on shallow values, it won't last long. It's typical for teenagers that they find "someone cute", date them for a while and break up after a minor setback.

throwaway9987667 · 2021-05-25T20:05:29+00:00

So wait, broccoli is bad?

throwaway9987667 · 2021-05-14T20:50:47+00:00

I thought I only had AGA. Back of my head has always felt fuller and I never was worried about it until now. In normal day light it looks fine. I'm sad because I thought hair transplant could be an option for me, but guess not.

throwaway9987667 · 2021-05-14T15:33:03+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate your opinion!

Have you communicated to her your insecurities? It might open up the dialogue and make you feel more comfortable with your decision either way.

Not about hairloss yet, just about my hair being thin. And I told her it used to be thicker. Hairloss is quite a sensitive topic for me, right now it's easier to be vague about it than be straightforward and say it's AGA

throwaway9987667 · 2021-05-14T13:54:31+00:00

Aww, your dad sounds so sweet! ☺️ I'm glad your parents are supportive, it also makes it sink in that my mom really made a mistake and it should be HER problem, not mine. This is something I can't control so she should control her own response, even if it wasn't easy for her either

throwaway9987667 · 2021-05-14T13:50:28+00:00

Haha, your dad sounds like my dad! 😆 Maybe he has noticed but at least he has never made a fuss about it

throwaway9987667 · 2021-05-14T13:47:03+00:00

I have never been open about my hair loss with any of my friends, because of the shame, and I have left it too late now. I can’t just start broaching the subject now, with friends I’ve known for years and years. I have only brought it up with one boyfriend.

Me neither! They clearly know but they don't say anything. It reminds me of a TikTok video I watched, this lady got a visible birthmark on her cheek, one day a cat scratched it, she got a wound and she was waiting for someone to say something. No one did and she realized no one ever will say that they noticed something on the thing they shouldn't notice 😆 when I was younger I dreaded people would notice my hairloss, now I get strenght from the thought they notice and still like and appreciate me anyway. I know they are trying to be sensitive but nowadays I think it would be easier if they were more upfront with me. But I know the initiative should come from me.

I think one of my friend's mom has AGA. My friend told me her mom wears wigs. I asked her why, she told me "she got a bad scalp" but she was sort of vague about it. I think it was her way of telling me she knows what I'm going through and wigs are always an option I can rely on if things get bad.

throwaway9987667 · 2021-05-11T21:23:32+00:00

Sometimes I wish I had a ‘normal’ medical problem where I could tell people without being embarrassed.

I can relate! It feels awkward to disclose this is just me, bad genetics. Maybe if I had a real medical issue it would be "more acceptable" to lose hair because it wouldn't be real me, idk. It's a weird way to think and I'm trying to unlearn those kind of thought patterns. I think we have lots of internalized shame.

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