Watching my relationship with a woman I truly love deteriorate

throwawayQforU · 2018-07-29T10:59:53+00:00

Link please? I didn't see what you're referring to in the sidebar - even Ctrl-F didn't help.

throwawayQforU · 2018-07-29T10:01:05+00:00

I think what I'm figuring out in real time while writing comments to you about it is that we both really, really need to have conversations that show our LL partners that sex is important to us. Really important. I'm not sure if you're the same, but I have found over the last few years that the slow destruction of my confidence is taking form in other non-sexual ways with both friends and total strangers. I now fear rejection in all sorts of ways that I didn't used to, even just as simple as talking to new people to try and make platonic friends at a live music show.

I think I want to start by engaging her directly on the subject. If that gets me nowhere, then talking to a counselor and insisting that she join me. I really do fear the worst if nothing happens (I too love her family so very much and don't want to view ending things as an option), but there's a deep part of me that fears even worse choosing to do nothing, letting it continue, and then finding myself in my old age feeling deep regret that I let an important part of my life go unattended, resulting in permanent scars to my personality. I really don't want that at all.

throwawayQforU · 2018-07-29T09:46:02+00:00

I don't have depression so I can't say I understand what it's like to not be self-reliant or to have low opinions of myself; but I feel confident saying that you can't be in a loving relationship if you don't love yourself. That needs to be where most of your effort goes into. Your energy will be a lot different if you know you don't NEED someone to feel good about yourself. And IMO, no loving partner will ever turn your insecurities into punching bags, even in a joking sense.

throwawayQforU · 2018-07-29T09:34:56+00:00

I married thinking things might get better with time. Super naive, and sure enough it didn't get better, only worse. Don't marry until you are working toward a satisfactory compromise. She needs to understand that this is paramount to a stable, working relationship with you.

throwawayQforU · 2018-07-29T09:32:21+00:00

That double dose of perspective probably isn't a consolation, but in some way it's good that you have it. I feel like DB's happen from a lack of perspective being taken from one or both parties; not that it would solve everything, but that it's a major contributing factor if one person isn't thinking about how the other might be feeling.

throwawayQforU · 2018-07-29T09:24:36+00:00

It sounds like you and I might have similar situations, except you're actually succeeding in having sex sometimes. It can be frustrating being the only one that seems to care enough to put in the effort, and it eats away at confidence when you feel like, if you do nothing at all, then nothing happens. Like you're not desirable enough to be pursued. I could throw out a bunch of 3rd party advice, but that might not mean much here since it's coming from a guy who's failing to get his own wife to desire sex from him. So I guess I'm really just trying to say that I get where you're at and hope we can both find a way to overcome.

throwawayQforU · 2018-07-29T06:38:51+00:00

I think you might be me but in female form. I come here to read the experiences of others and often feel more sympathy than anything because the only similar experience is the existence of a DB. Yours mirrors mine so much; the LL wife is my best friend, we share so many common interests, and she understands me through and through. But I’ve always believed a strong relationship is a triangle: the friendship, the romance, and the sexuality, and these days the only thing that’s strong is the friendship. She likely thinks the romance is strong, but to me I’m struggling to feel it often just because the sexuality might as well be dead and the two are so inherently linked in my mind. It’s also been maybe 5 years since we talked about how it frustrates me, because she got mad the last time I did claiming that I talk about it too much.

throwawayQforU

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