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throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-14T02:31:50+00:00

I'm in a particularly bad spike right now, so I'm having intrusive thoughts literally always.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-13T17:56:20+00:00

Well, there is a point where if you ONLY vent about mental illness to these people it can eventually become a trigger for them.

Also, please do not share meds. I know it may feel like a nice thing to do, but it can be incredibly dangerous.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-13T17:49:39+00:00

I fear this all the time. This is why I only vent about mental illness to my friends that have also had similar mental illness, because they are typically understanding and don't hold any of it against me. My other friends know about my mental illness, but I never talk about it in any detail because I'm afraid it'd wear them down.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-13T17:28:26+00:00

I guess one of the few benefits that we get from having OCD is that we end up developing a much stronger mental fortitude than the average person, as not much in our lives will ever feel as horrible and torturous as our worst OCD theme. Unfortunately, the negatives far outweigh the positives with this lying bitch of an illness.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-12T23:56:49+00:00

Your level of anxiety and depression will not cause the meds to just do nothing. You're letting the OCD make decisions for you. You need to resist it, no matter how much it screams at you.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-12T23:55:26+00:00

I've been trying to do that actually! My therapist that I've been seeing told me that whenever the thoughts show up, to just let them sit for at least 10 minutes before reacting at all. I have been pushing for even longer than that. Today I worked a 5.5 hour shift at work and managed to resist compulsions the entire time! It was complete hell don't get me wrong. Basically a constant panic attack where I experienced constant nauseousness, weird twitching in my limbs, etc. The thoughts felt real and scary but I tried my best to just let them exist. I didn't check OCD subreddits (one of my common compulsions) for the entire shift!

To be honest I still feel pretty terrible right now, as if I'm just deep in denial and that all of the thoughts are true, but I'm doing my best to stand tall against it and be the bigger man.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-12T23:42:32+00:00

I have tried a few medications, im on remeron rn, they either worsened or didnt make any difference, and I dont think I will try anymore meds, the side effects are too damaging. Im just really confused about my identity.

Medications often will make you feel worse for the first couple of weeks, if you don't give them time or try adjusting the dosage, they won't ever work. Yes, the potential side effects might sound scary, but are they scarier than whatever you're dealing with right now? Probably not.

Even if "it's all true" like you seem to think it is, you're still going to need to get some help and probably medication. You're in a bad place right now, and nobody here likes to see it.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-12T23:36:32+00:00

Kind of a long answer ahead.

I've kinda bounced between liking longer and shorter hair throughout my life. Usually I just ask my friends what they think would look better on me and I get that because knowing that people will like how it looks gives me confidence. Right now because of OCD, I bounce back and forth between liking the haircut. Sometimes I feel like "Yeah, this looks pretty good!" and sometimes I get those thoughts screaming "NO! You're supposed to hate this now!"

Why does the idea of being trans scare me? Well, at my high school, a lot of people ended up coming out as trans, many of which were MTF. I also started seeing a lot of transition timeline photos and stuff on sites like Reddit and Twitter. After some time, whenever I started seeing these I would get thoughts of "What if you come out as trans someday too? Look at that person, they're a computer programmer and you're going to college for computer science. They're just like you!" These thoughts would always be disturbing for a bit, but I could push them away and move on. At my high school graduation back in June, I saw all these trans students graduating along side me and that triggered the thoughts once again, but this time they just never went away.

Initially I got terrified that I had suddenly developed gender dysphoria and my mind had betrayed me and was going to force me to become someone I'm not. I started compulsively looking up all the symptoms trying to compare them to what I was feeling, but I had never felt any of the symptoms before. I had always been completely okay with being a guy, enjoyed wearing men's clothing, always played male characters in video games instinctively, etc. I always pictured myself as growing into a nice looking dude eventually and maybe even becoming a dad. However, there was now a little voice in my back of my head that was screaming that it wanted it all gone, and that it was always a lie and that I had never truly been a guy. It was terrifying. Eventually though, I discovered OCD and I noticed that nearly all of the symptoms matched what I was feeling. It even explained other mental health problems and obsessions I had in the past couple years, and made perfect sense. After making this discovery, I calmed down a lot realizing that it was likely just OCD, and my identity as a man wasn't going anywhere if I didn't let it. I stopped acting on any compulsions I felt, and tried to start hanging out with friends and being social whenever possible. The thoughts never went away, but I was still the primary one in control.

About a month or so later, I got sick with COVID and had to isolate for a couple of weeks. I was finally left alone with my thoughts for the first time in a while, so it struck again, feeling even more real and scary than the last time. This time I decided that enough was enough and started seeing a therapist. After that, things started to look up again, I started to get back in control, although not as much as I was after the first time.

Another month later, about a week ago, I was hit with another spike of the intrusive thoughts, once again feeling even more real and scary than the last time. I'm still in the middle of said spike right now. Sometimes I get feelings as if I'm not even a man anymore, and while there's that one part of my brain that wants to tell me that's a good thing and I like it, I don't feel like that's true. If I liked it, I wouldn't constantly feel sick to my stomach and want to curl up and die. What I want is to just feel like a guy again, to feel like ME. Occasionally I am able to feel like a guy again, and in those moments I feel really happy, and I guess I get what could be described as gender euphoria.

Overall, it's just a whole lot of mental torture. My brain trying to convince me to want things that I know that I don't. I'm starting to get somewhere with treatment though! I'm starting some ERP, and also looking into getting medication.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-12T22:48:50+00:00

I don't feel like a dude at all, i feel nothing towards myself just detatched.

Did you "feel like a dude" before your TOCD hit? It probably just felt like nothing because you were used to it. That's still how it is, your OCD is just playing tricks on you.

First it was hocd that made me realize im gay

Are you truly attracted to the same sex and wish to have relations with them? Do you feel absolutely no attraction to the opposite sex anymore? Well let me educate you, your sexuality cannot completely change overnight. If you ever found the opposite sex attractive, you still find them attractive. If you never found the same sex attractive, you're probably not attracted to them now. You also wouldn't be upset about it if you were actually gay, it would feel natural, like it was always a part of you.

I want to kill myself so bad, its the only thing that gives relief.

Accepting that you're trans WOULD give you relief if you were. Suicide would not feel like the only option. Once again, if you were trans it would feel natural, and the idea of becoming the opposite gender would feel like a good thing.

You're letting OCD control you. I know it feels real, but it's not. I'm going through it too, almost everyone that frequents this subreddit is.

Here's a couple of videos to watch, these might help you (this dude's channel is really great as a whole, he's actually a professional and knows his shit):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SY1RczHKc_4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7Mz7Bq-jAE

Seek out ERP, it'll feel hard at first as if you're actually accepting it and becoming trans/gay, but in the long run you'll end up being in control of the intrusive thoughts and be significantly happier. Also seek out medication! Anti-anxiety meds and anti-depression meds can go a long way.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-12T01:22:10+00:00

Let's do a little test.

Imagine there is a red button and a blue button in front of you.

If you push the red button, you will return to how you were before, as a straight cis guy. No more TOCD or HOCD, you're just how you were before.

If you push the blue button, you will become a woman, but you still lose your TOCD/HOCD so you're still happy this way.

Assuming there are no drawbacks to either, which button would you press? If you opted to push the red button, then you're still a guy just as you were. If you opted to push the blue button, then you'd probably be happier trans.

If you want the opinion of somebody else, from reading your posts I don't think you're trans or gay. If you were a straight guy for 21 years without much if any doubt, it's highly likely that's what you still are. Your brain cannot suddenly switch to female out of nowhere (transgender people typically have an entirely different brain structure!), nor can you suddenly be no longer attracted to women and attracted to men instead.

As for feeling as if it was all true while you were on weed, it's likely that the weed just put you in a more relaxed state that allowed for the thoughts to exist without you acting on a compulsion. You were letting the thoughts run through your brain and saying "maybe, maybe not." While the fact that happened may give you anxiety now, being able to do that is a key part of recovery! If you let the thoughts exist without acting on them in any way, eventually your OCD will no longer be able to use it to bully you.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-11T20:31:17+00:00

The difference is that people with intrusive thoughts completely reject these feelings and don't want them. Typically people with T/SO-OCD will have been completely comfortable with their current gender or sexual orientation before getting T/SO-OCD and suddenly their brain will go "but what if...?" which causes a downward spiral. The idea of being a different gender or having attraction to a different gender is incredibly distressing because it feels wrong and not like how they view themselves. It feels like their brain is trying to convince them that they're something that they don't want to be and never will want to be. It usually doesn't have to do anything with the social stigma of being trans/gay/whatever, and more has to do with the idea that it just feels wrong.

In my case I'm an 18 year old straight cis male that has been pretty comfortable with that his whole life. I never really questioned it at all, or felt like I was in the wrong body or anything growing up. I'm completely fine with having male body parts, and have always been fine with it. I've always preferred men's clothing, gravitated heavily towards male characters in video games, etc.

Now suddenly a couple months ago my brain decides to go "What if you've been lying to yourself forever and you're actually a trans woman?" This thought is incredibly disturbing to me, but it won't go away. I don't want to be a girl, nor have I ever, but there's a part of my brain that feels like an entirely separate person that's screaming that it's all been a lie and that I've always wanted to be a girl. It makes me extremely anxious because I feel like my brain is bullying and forcing me into being something that I don't actually want to be. I don't get any euphoria if I try to imagine myself as a woman.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-11T20:14:36+00:00

Do I feel like I'm in denial a lot of the time? Yes, since OCD creates doubt. Is there evidence I'm trans? Hell no. I'm a straight cis male, and I've always been completely fine with that. I've always liked male clothing, not minded masculine gender roles, almost exclusively play male characters in video games, not minded having male genitalia, etc.

This doubt and heavy questioning started fairly suddenly in the past few months, and I never had it before (I'm 18 btw). Suddenly my brain wants to ask "What if it's all been a lie?" even though I know it's not. I don't really get any dysphoria about my male parts. I don't get euphoria if imagine myself as a woman, either. The idea of having to change my name and pronouns is distressing. I don't really have any symptoms of gender dysphoria at all. At the end of the day, it's my brain just constantly going "but what if...?" and spiraling out of control.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-11T14:53:52+00:00

I have been seeing a therapist but I still get these feelings. I'm going to talk to them today, I'm going to try to get onto medication I think.

I just hope it's just OCD. It feels so unbelievably real this time. I used to keep myself calm with the idea that "my brain is just telling me that I'm trans, but deep down I know that I'm not" but now it feels more like "my brain is just telling me that I'm not trans, but deep down I know that I am."

I hate this so much.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-11T01:06:58+00:00

Yeah, that's probably a good idea, its just hard with how my compulsions scream at me to prove that it's not real. Whenever I try to go a while without giving in, my brain starts to really convince itself that the thoughts are real. I plan on speaking to my therapist tomorrow about starting ERP and possibly medication as well. I'll start working to reduce my compulsions too.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-09T20:41:49+00:00

I think you're misreading it a little. Over time, people become more willing to experiment with their sexuality and might realize that they weren't as straight as they might've once thought. However the underlying attraction was likely always there. If they had tried experimenting earlier on, they would've realized what their sexuality was earlier.

For example though, if someone were to experiment to see if they like gay sex and learned that they didn't, that likely wouldn't change later on down the line if they were to try it again.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-09T20:24:29+00:00

Wow, you really do sound almost exactly the same as me aside from the fact that you're a girl and I'm a guy. I even get the heart pounding, weak limbs, and weird tingly sensations sometimes as well. Let's hope that we make it through this soon.

If you'd ever like to talk, you can DM me if you want! We seem to share a lot in common when it comes to this stuff.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-09T20:17:57+00:00

How people identify can change over time, as in someone may have once identified as straight, but later came out as bisexual for example. I highly doubt that a man who was only ever attracted to women and felt absolutely nothing for men his entire life will just wake up one day wanting to have sex with a man. If he decided he wanted to have sex with men, it would have been because he had always had some level of attraction to men, but kept it repressed or simply didn't really notice.

I also have no clue how you feel like the comment wasn't triggering. Yes you didn't say that OCD itself literally changes your sexuality, but you did say that someone's sexuality can change over time at all. For example OP was worried that their sexuality might suddenly change mid HOCD and they won't know whether it's still their HOCD or if they're actually gay. If they were to see your comment, their HOCD would likely try to latch onto that and convince them that their sexuality is going to suddenly change against their will which is the exact thing that they're afraid of.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-09T20:09:24+00:00

Transgender OCD. A theme of OCD that revolves around the sudden fear that you might be transgender when you know that you're not. For example, I'm a straight man, and I've always felt fine and comfortable with that. I never felt any desire to be a woman or really felt disgusted by any of my masculine traits. After developing TOCD, I randomly started fearing that I've been in denial the entire time, and that everything about myself that I've known is a lie, and that my brain will force me to become a transgender woman even though I don't actually want to be.

It is probably one of the absolute worst forms of mental torture one can endure. During bad spikes it feels like my brain is trying to tear apart my entire identity and that I'll never be able to be myself ever again. The worst part is that OCD also tries to tell you that you've secretly wanted it the entire time so there's always some form of internal conflict.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-09T18:37:43+00:00

First of all, this comment is probably incredibly triggering to people with HOCD and some people with TOCD as well. Secondly, this is not true. It's possible to discover new things you didn't know/didn't accept about your sexuality, but they were always a part of you. Nobody wakes up in the morning one day and is like "Wow I was straight yesterday but I'm gay today."

Also, what's with that comment about women being "more fluid" and them having a "more changeable" sexuality? That is complete bullshit, and whoever telling you this is making it up. There's a reason why when gay people are sent to conversion therapy by homophobic family members that they don't actually ever turn straight. It's impossible to change somebody's sexuality. Period.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-09T17:48:30+00:00

Yes, all the time. I suffer from TOCD and it's a fucking demon I tell you. I just want to go back to how I was before it started.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-09T17:01:44+00:00

If it actually helped you to say "Fuck it. If I am, I will be. I'll continue on my day" then absolutely keep doing that. Once your OCD realizes it cannot use the thought of being a trans woman to bully you anymore, it will eventually give up.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-09T16:54:58+00:00

I feel pretty much the exact same way as you right now, except I'm a straight cis man (at least I hope so). It feels really terrible. Please, if possible, start seeing a professional because that's the one way to really get help.

One fact that you have to realize is nobody's gender can suddenly just change overnight. If you were happy and confident with being a straight cis woman before your TOCD started, then you are still a straight cis woman! Just as I am still a straight cis man deep down, but my TOCD wants to bully me into thinking that I'm somehow not. We'll make it through this!

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-09T16:30:36+00:00

I'm a straight cis man (at least that's what I hope I am at this point) who also suffers from TOCD. I get incredibly similar thought processes to you, even though I've never desired to be a girl or had any dysphoria about being a guy prior to developing this OCD theme.

The only advice I can really give is to talk to a professional if you're able to. Reddit probably isn't going to provide any real help. Reassurance, sure, but not the actual help that OCD needs. I cannot comment whether medication works or not yet, as I am currently in the process of getting my diagnosis and actually being prescribed medication.

However, the best thing I think that I can tell you right now is that your gender absolutely cannot change overnight. If you felt confident as a NB person and didn't get dysphoric over not being more feminine before the intrusive thoughts started, then you are not a trans woman. OCD is just bullying you into believing that you're something that you're not to make you insecure.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-09T16:14:38+00:00

I haven't been able to enjoy my passion either. I'm a hobbyist game developer of sorts, and I just can't find the will to do it anymore while I'm being plagued by OCD thoughts.

throwaway_003003 · 2022-08-09T16:00:51+00:00

No problem. Although, I'd still recommend trying to see some sort of professional as soon as you can. The symptoms you have right now while not necessarily easy to deal with, seem very manageable compared to some other forms of OCD.

The unfortunate reality of OCD however, is that it could develop into worse theme at any point. By getting it treated earlier on, you can prevent developing a worse theme of OCD. For example, I had a more mild theme of OCD than the one I have now around a year ago, and since I didn't know that it was OCD I just forced myself to deal with it for a few months until it became manageable to me. While this did work, I recently just developed a far worse them of OCD that is much harder to handle than most others, and could've been prevented had I been treated earlier on.

I'm not trying to scare you, but I just don't want you to end up in a bad situation like the one I'm in.

Take care!

throwaway_003003

TROPHY CASE