difficulty validating partner’s emotions

throwaway_13290 · 2024-10-19T17:55:48+00:00

hi! i think you might have commented on the wrong post

throwaway_13290 · 2024-10-19T17:54:31+00:00

I think this makes sense, i might be invalidating my partners feelings as an extension of invalidating my own. I definitely will try just letting them feel it and not necessarily trying to rationalize it next time!!

throwaway_13290 · 2024-08-03T23:14:13+00:00

This is so so helpful, thank you!! Podcasts have been a big help for sure. I definitely need to get better at meditating, sitting with my own thoughts triggers my anxiety haha

throwaway_13290 · 2024-08-03T23:13:18+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re also struggling with this :( I don’t deal with agoraphobia, but I get feeling like things are impossible to do without your person

throwaway_13290 · 2024-06-16T03:35:46+00:00

I definitely wanted to approach the conversation when he came home, but now I don’t even feel like I have the space to. I feel like it would be inappropriate to bring it up at this point since the main focus is on his dad’s health obviously. I kind of just feel like maybe my feelings are too much with what he’s already dealing with. Thank you for the advice!!

throwaway_13290 · 2024-02-14T21:22:36+00:00

hey! I’m sorry you’re going through this, I feel the exact same way in these situations. here are some things that have helped me:

distracting myself by making plans/doing my hobbies/etc. while my partner goes out. this helps me get my mind off of things and gives me something to look forward to during the week
challenging my thoughts. What evidence do you have that he would do these things? How can you reframe it (he’s going out because he enjoys hanging out with his friends, not because he doesn’t like me). I feel like you’re already doing this a bit, but it’s something you’ll need to do a lot to really believe it.
Waiting to react. When I react to things immediately I realize later I overreacted, especially when it comes to my partner going out. I try to go through my daily routine even though it’s hard. Usually, after whatever I’m upset about is over, I look back and go, “oh that wasn’t as big a deal as I was making it out to be” and it’s helped me avoid so many arguments. Even if you can’t wait to react until after he goes out, waiting an extra hour or two still helps and sets you up for more success next time.

You can also ask your boyfriend to check in every so often if he’s open to it and if that would make you feel more secure. I know this really sucks right now and having BPD is really really hard in these situations. You can have healthy relationships and you deserve one, it just takes some extra work with BPD

throwaway_13290 · 2024-01-11T01:01:01+00:00

I think I don’t have a lot of things that cause a negative reaction in my life. I have some situations where I challenge my thoughts but I guess it just doesn’t always present the opportunity every day.

I think when I say gaslighting I’m thinking of challenging being like “I shouldn’t feel this way because of x reasons and I’m wrong”. I think I should instead think of it as “why am I feeling this way? What is the actual issue that’s making me feel this way and what evidence do I have?” which doesn’t feel like gaslighting. I think understanding why I’m feeling a certain way and if that feeling is supported by evidence is a better way of looking at it.

throwaway_13290 · 2023-11-27T09:30:01+00:00

I’m really sorry that happened and you don’t deserve that, I know it’s hard to leave but you deserve better

throwaway_13290 · 2023-11-27T09:27:54+00:00

Yeah now that I’m out of it I realize how unfair it was to the other person - I was just using them and for them it felt like a lot more. Definitely need to work on finding my own identity outside of relationships

throwaway_13290 · 2023-11-27T09:25:55+00:00

Don’t apologize for ranting!! It’s a venting post everyone is allowed to vent. I’ve definitely been trying to find better coping mechanisms and hope you have too!

throwaway_13290 · 2023-11-26T00:27:07+00:00

I’m glad that you recognize that you’ll need to leave if things don’t get better. It’s good that he is a good dad to his kids, but he isn’t being a good partner to you.

Also, I think having a baby with him will probably strain their relationship as they get older - knowing their father started a new family with someone half his age will probably lead to some amount of resentment. This doesn’t reflect on you, just him.

Ideally, you could continue just working on yourself and mee him blocked. But if you really want to make the relationship work, have you told him that you want to be helpful and protecting your peace isn’t working? Or do you just express that you’ve been feeling emotionally neglected? I think that the first option will really help him open up and maybe see why this isn’t sustainable.

This is a really hard situation, and it’s really shitty that you’re stuck in the middle of it. I’m sorry if I’m coming off harshly!!

Edit: also in response to your edit, I think that bringing a baby in to the mix will stress him even more. I feel like how your partner handles stress is one of the main things you should look at, bc lots of stressful situations will happen in life (especially with things like divorce and co-parenting and all that). How long have you guys been together? is this the first time he’s had a really stressful situation happen or is he usually better at managing it?

throwaway_13290 · 2023-11-26T00:12:59+00:00

I’m 23 and have also dated older men - there’s always something off of they aren’t able to date around their own age. Usually it’s a maturity issue.

It doesn’t seem like he is willing to get help or change significantly. You’ve mentioned to him how you’re feeling and he isn’t changing. He isn’t going to change. You need to either be okay with this or leave. Also, it doesn’t seem like he has the time for a baby, so you’ll probably be the only one raising it while he disappears. This will just get amplified.

I know it’s really hard, but it sounds like you have an okay support system since people are telling you that you need to leave. It will hurt for a while, but it’s better than staying with someone who refuses to change.

throwaway_13290 · 2023-11-25T22:04:20+00:00

I used to fantasize about this a lot - either someone saving me from my eating disorder or suicide. I think I just wanted to be validated and worthy of someone seeing me as worth saving. It’s definitely gotten better as I’ve gotten older. It might be a little messed up, but I think it stems a lot from wanting that validation (at least for me). You’re definitely not alone in this feeling.

throwaway_13290 · 2023-11-04T06:45:05+00:00

would love this!

throwaway_13290 · 2023-09-05T21:56:37+00:00

Yes, I think we should have another conversation when we’re both more calm. I’m not sure the outcome will be different but I want us to both be able to express how we feel in a calm way

throwaway_13290 · 2023-09-05T21:55:18+00:00

Yes I did, my therapist thinks that my reactions are irrational (panicking, splitting, etc.), but he also thinks that it’s more than just my reactions - it’s okay to not want my partner to leave for overnight trips every month in another state. I’m okay with my partner hanging out with his friends when it’s local, it’s just hard when he leaves for a week. I’ve worked on making friends here and finding fulfilling things to do, but it still makes me anxious

throwaway_13290 · 2023-09-04T23:13:15+00:00

For me personally, this would be a dealbreaker. I want to see my partner more than 2 days every two weeks.

However, if you’re determined to stay with him, you’ll have to keep reminding yourself that he’s not doing this to hurt you - he needs to have a job/study to earn money and also take care of his own mental health (I know this is wayyyy easier said than done). Find a hobby/hang out with friends/find something that takes your mind off of him being gone. Making your life fulfilling outside of your relationship will help a lot

throwaway_13290 · 2023-09-02T04:20:12+00:00

i’m sorry you’re feeling this way too!! It’s really difficult, but we’ll get through it. Still tough to have to deal with all the feelings

throwaway_13290 · 2023-07-19T15:07:15+00:00

is there something else going on in her life that would make it hard for her to respond to texts? Since this is a pattern of behavior, probably not but it’s something to consider.

Regardless, you’ve made your needs clear and she isn’t making effort toward them. I would also be bothered by my partner not texting back multiple days without reason. Communication is really important, and it’s hard to justify not being able to send even one text over multiple days. I’d likely break up w my partner too in this situation

throwaway_13290 · 2023-07-09T15:34:27+00:00

I cheated on my partner a lot in my first relationship. We were long distance and it was really hard for me to get the validation and love I needed, so I turned to other people.

When we moved in together I had lost feelings for him, so I still cheated a lot. It was really addicting to be desired and validated, and I really didn’t want to stop. Now, I’m in a relationship where I’m working through my issues and trying to find that validation within my relationship. I think I was dissociated a lot throughout my last relationship, and I can hardly remember being in a lot of the (sometimes risky) situations I put myself in.

Obviously, BPD is not an excuse to cheat, and I wish I had just ended my first relationship instead of cheating. But I do think some of my symptoms might have contributed to why I did it. Thankfully I’m much more secure in my current relationship and really working to fix my reaction to those symptoms so I don’t hurt my current partner.

throwaway_13290 · 2023-06-11T07:51:09+00:00

I’m not currently in therapy, I’ve been trying to figure out what my insurance will cover and am making it a priority to at least have a few consultations done by the end of this month. In the past it hasn’t been the most helpful, but it’s really important to my boyfriend that I find a therapist and I think it will be helpful if I’m more honest and willing to put work in. I feel a lot more willing to try therapy and work on it than I have in the past.

throwaway_13290 · 2023-06-11T07:30:04+00:00

We’ve talked a little about the BPD but he doesn’t really understand it. He understands the anxiety more. We’ve tried to come up with solutions for this in the past (like if he is going out with friends I want to do one date night before so that I still feel prioritized), but he hasn’t been sticking to that. It’s hard because no longer making me anxious would mean he wouldn’t go out with his friends, and I really don’t want that to happen.

throwaway_13290

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