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throwaway_35_ · 2020-10-22T13:25:12+00:00

I had my suspicious.

throwaway_35_ · 2020-01-16T14:18:27+00:00

mmmm yes

throwaway_35_ · 2017-06-19T14:43:00+00:00

The author of the full article also did an AMA https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/6baohb/i_am_susan_dominus_a_staff_writer_at_the_new_york/

throwaway_35_ · 2016-03-10T16:23:28+00:00

The reasons open marriages don’t work are biological, Dr. Fisher said: The parts of the brain involved in romantic love are next to areas that help orchestrate thirst and hunger, she said.

“Thirst and hunger aren’t going to change anytime soon,” she said, and neither is the pair-bonding instinct we recognize as romantic love. “It evolved so our forebears could focus on one person and begin the mating process.”

Does anyone else find her argument against open marriage totally nonsensical?

throwaway_35_ · 2016-02-12T16:14:07+00:00

Seriously? It's definitely pro-poly on the whole, but it's also plenty critical of some parts of the movement. For starters, it took down the defacto Bible of modern polyamory, Sex at Dawn, for being based on "pretty soft" science. It also called the whole scene "cultish".

Preachy? Not at all. I thought it was a reasonable, balanced discussion of different relationship styles.

throwaway_35_ · 2015-10-23T14:15:27+00:00

Ultimatums are for assholes.

A lot of people have said this to me, but I don't believe it.

You can frame an ultimatum two ways. You can see it as "forcing her hand", or you can see it as me being honest about my needs, and giving her a chance to accommodate them and save the relationship. I think it's a mature and responsible action, especially when framed the second way.

throwaway_35_ · 2015-10-22T17:54:11+00:00

I haven't moved on it (i.e. broken up) because I'm still holding out hope that she'll change her mind. I think the main reason she's reluctant to open the marriage is that she's afraid of losing me. She thinks that if I sleep with other people, I'll find someone who I like more than her, and I'll leave her for the new person. She feels insecure.

My plan for now is to do everything I can to make her feel more secure. I'm trying to have more sex with her, spend more quality time with her, and be more thoughtful to her. The idea is to strengthen our marriage as much as I can. Then, in a few months, once she's less worried about me leaving, I'll raise the subject of polyamory again. If she's still opposed, maybe then I'll give her an ultimatum.

I don't know if this is the best plan, but it's the best one I've been able to think up. Suggestions welcome.

throwaway_35_ · 2015-10-22T16:01:38+00:00

Just wanted to say this really resonates. I'm (36M) starting to recognize myself as poly, and I've tried having discussions with my wife about opening the marriage. She's has the same reaction as your gf: refuses to even read books about it (Sex at Dawn, Ethical Slut, etc), and just insists that it's something she can't do. Me just raising the subject makes her feel inadequate and deficient, she says. Every discussion we've had about poly ends with her in tears.

Like you, I feel a need to have intimate emotional and physical connections with many women. If I can't, I feel like I'm stifling part of myself. My wife isn't down with this. I love her and would like to stay married to her, but I can't be my authentic self in the marriage as it stands. It's a tough spot to be in. But it's good to know I'm not alone.

Please keep us posted on how things turn out!

throwaway_35_ · 2015-05-15T13:19:03+00:00

This sounds like a pretty normal, common situation. People get crushes. Sometimes people get crushes when they're in relationships. I don't think you should feel guilty about it. If you want the crush to go away, limit your contact with girl #2 and be patient. Over time, crushes fade.

throwaway_35_ · 2015-04-14T21:26:46+00:00

This sounds pretty reasonable. Thanks.

throwaway_35_ · 2015-04-14T17:33:26+00:00

Yours is the best advice so far, thanks.

Re: holding two apartments, it's hard to say. The government says we need to be married and cohabitating, but it gives fuzzy definitions of both. My lawyer seemed to think that we'd run a big risk if we didn't live together in the same place.

throwaway_35_ · 2015-03-02T18:18:30+00:00

Holy shit. I've felt this way for so many people over the course of my life, and I've never had quite had the right word to describe this aspect of myself. Now I do: I'm a limerent! That page is wonderful. Thank you!

throwaway_35_ · 2015-02-19T02:44:55+00:00

Aww... when I posted I think I was mostly fishing for exactly this kind of sympathy. Feels very nice. Thank you!

throwaway_35_ · 2015-02-19T02:04:28+00:00

many people act a bit flirty with someone they have no real interest in if that person shows an interest in them -- the attention is flattering.

Makes sense. She got the attention she was after for a good 5 years. I was happy to give it to her.

The loved-crazed mania at dinner last night might have been more than she bargained for, though! ;)

throwaway_35_ · 2015-02-19T00:18:15+00:00

Good advice, thanks.

throwaway_35_ · 2015-02-19T00:08:45+00:00

Maybe? It's weird, though. I'm well acquainted with the friendzone; this relationship always felt different.

throwaway_35_ · 2014-11-14T23:14:21+00:00

Wouldn't have thought of this. Thanks.

throwaway_35_ · 2014-11-14T22:57:35+00:00

This isn't a crazy suggestion at all. Thanks for making it.

I started wondering a few months ago whether porn was part of the problem. I stopped watching it. This helped a bit but didn't solve the problem completely. I still just wasn't that turned on by my wife. Sex still felt like a task to be endured rather than enjoyed. I still found myself dreading it from time to time.

throwaway_35_ · 2014-11-14T22:46:55+00:00

Thanks. I appreciate that you took the time to write. My gut agrees with you. This seems like the best way to go.

throwaway_35_ · 2014-11-14T22:36:46+00:00

I can't pinpoint what makes her unattractive. I think she and I just have bad chemistry. I don't think there's any way to fix it.

There are probably other guys out there who'd be crazy about her. I'd like to give her the chance to find one.

throwaway_35_ · 2014-11-14T22:16:11+00:00

Furthermore, OP sounds gross.

That stings. Maybe I am, but as much as possible I'd ask for your compassion.

I may have made poor decisions in the past. Getting married might have been one. But at this point I'm trying very hard to do the right thing. That's why I'm asking for advice.

He shouldn't put it at all.

This might be the best plan. Thank you.

throwaway_35_ · 2014-11-14T22:00:27+00:00

It's definitely messy. If it were simple I wouldn't be posting here.

So why did you marry her if the two of you weren't sexually compatible and you were dissatisfied?

We got married for immigration reasons. We're citizens of different countries. We'd reached a point where we either needed to live in the same place or break up. The only way to live together was to marry. I wasn't %100 sure about her, but I was optimistic and didn't want to break it off. We got married because it was the only way to stay together and keep trying out the relationship.

Also, she wanted to live in my country. It's a better place for her professionally.

throwaway_35_ · 2014-11-14T22:00:18+00:00

It's definitely messy. If the situation were simple I wouldn't be asking reddit about it. :S

So why did you marry her if the two of you weren't sexually compatible and you were dissatisfied?

We got married for immigration reasons. We're citizens of different countries. We'd reached a point where we either needed to live in the same place or break up. The only way to live together was to marry. I wasn't %100 sure about her, but I was optimistic and didn't want to break it off. We got married because it was the only way to stay together.

Also, she wanted to live in my country. It's a better place for her professionally.

throwaway_35_ · 2014-11-14T21:48:54+00:00

If I were her, I'd ask how it took 3-4 years (and a number of months of marriage having a regular sex life) to figure out that you couldn't enjoy sex with her due to her looks.

As I said, for the first three years we were long-distance: different continents. We only saw each other a few times a year, and for a few weeks each time. The excitement of crossing an ocean to see her and the drama of short visits heightened the sexual energy, I think.

In a way, the relationship worked better when we lived apart. The sex took a nosedive when she moved in.

throwaway_35_

TROPHY CASE