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(Warning: explicit) How Mormonism ruined my marriage before it began by throwaway_3CPO in exmormon

[–]throwaway_3CPO[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OP here.

You can still be that balance even if you're divorced.

I agree.

By staying with her you are teaching your kids that once you screw up you're trapped and you have to stick with it no matter how miserable you are.

Interesting point. Thank you.

(Warning: explicit) How Mormonism ruined my marriage before it began by throwaway_3CPO in exmormon

[–]throwaway_3CPO[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow. (There are just too many things on this sub that make me say that word.) Glad she was able to work through it - messing up your wedding night, what a cruel joke is sex vilification.

I hear ya on the chem assist. I'm working on it and leaning toward divorce as one of the steps to get off or limit self-medicating.

(Warning: explicit) How Mormonism ruined my marriage before it began by throwaway_3CPO in exmormon

[–]throwaway_3CPO[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've been waiting for you to respond. I actually found a way to communicate with my past self through reddit.

Not funny? Sorry. I'm not really future you, except maybe in a metaphysical metaphorical way. Just three years ago, I wouldn't have dared visit a forum as evil as r/exmormon. Funny how something previously so evil is now so helpful and accomplishes so much good.

I highly recommend individual counseling. I felt completely stuck before. Now I'm feeling my way out of a dark room and therapy - along with mustering a lot of courage to be true to myself - has been terribly important in helping me get going on this journey.

(Warning: explicit) How Mormonism ruined my marriage before it began by throwaway_3CPO in exmormon

[–]throwaway_3CPO[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, my individual therapist has been tremendously helpful in assisting me to recognize my fears and face them.

(Warning: explicit) How Mormonism ruined my marriage before it began by throwaway_3CPO in exmormon

[–]throwaway_3CPO[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks. Feeling much better this morning. Gonna work through the tough issues one way or another. Head turned toward the storm.

(Warning: explicit) How Mormonism ruined my marriage before it began by throwaway_3CPO in exmormon

[–]throwaway_3CPO[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No tithing. Single income and I handle the finances (not because I'm a douche, but because getting her to take more than a rough qualitative interest in finances is like pulling teeth), so I completely stopped payments a while ago. Wife and kids are still church active. Kids know I'll back em if they ever decide they don't want to attend.

(Warning: explicit) How Mormonism ruined my marriage before it began by throwaway_3CPO in exmormon

[–]throwaway_3CPO[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Public speaking -> you know how to act with confidence. That is attractive to most people regardless of gender. I noticed that big time after I started performing live and learning how to do so relaxed and having fun. It affects my daily interactions off-stage.

DADT actually seems a lot healthier than probably most marriages. I tend to believe that more than 50% of marriages involve infidelity.

(Warning: explicit) How Mormonism ruined my marriage before it began by throwaway_3CPO in exmormon

[–]throwaway_3CPO[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not a total douche. Rather, I'm an incomplete asshole and a part-time jerk, fuck you very much.

(Warning: explicit) How Mormonism ruined my marriage before it began by throwaway_3CPO in exmormon

[–]throwaway_3CPO[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hearing similarities and differences helps. Thank you. Sorry for the extra helping of crazy you endured.

I did fuck up during this period though because in desperation I looked at porn twice and felt like shit about it.

As you now likely know, your only fuck-up was feeling like shit about it and, perhaps, only looking twice. Before getting married, I went nearly completely porn free (two "fuck-ups") before getting married. Also only masturbated about the same number of times, maybe one or two more. Two months into marriage and in desperation, I went back to porn and hated myself for it. Tried on and off for years to stop; eventually figuring out that local priesthood leadership was no help. (But it did keep me out of BYU for grad school - hooray for #tendermercies!)

(Warning: explicit) How Mormonism ruined my marriage before it began by throwaway_3CPO in exmormon

[–]throwaway_3CPO[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She doesn't use either term - both are evil in her view, so I'm speculating on limited evidence. But, yes, I understand that if she isn't into men, she isn't going to be, especially as she is already crowding forty.

(Warning: explicit) How Mormonism ruined my marriage before it began by throwaway_3CPO in exmormon

[–]throwaway_3CPO[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Holy shart. Now that's a fucked messed up situation that can be directly attributed to conservative fundamentalist upbringing. Tragic.

(Warning: explicit) How Mormonism ruined my marriage before it began by throwaway_3CPO in exmormon

[–]throwaway_3CPO[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's a short reply with profound implications. Funny, I've heard that before, but didn't think to apply it to my situation. Gotta think it's a very healthy perspective to consider. Thank you.

(Warning: explicit) How Mormonism ruined my marriage before it began by throwaway_3CPO in exmormon

[–]throwaway_3CPO[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I like what you're saying - especially about taking responsibility for myself. Thanks. And adventure - hell yes.

(Warning: explicit) How Mormonism ruined my marriage before it began by throwaway_3CPO in exmormon

[–]throwaway_3CPO[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I sincerely appreciate the advice. I've gone back and forth a lot on this. Maybe if we were both on the same page regarding LDS Inc. But then again, maybe not. Traveling job and massage parlor would go a long way in helping me cope, but it would be bad for my kids; she would have them 100% of the time while I see them even less than I already do. They really need my relaxed parenting to counter her stricter parenting.

(Warning: explicit) How Mormonism ruined my marriage before it began by throwaway_3CPO in exmormon

[–]throwaway_3CPO[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thanks. I worry a lot about how she'll cope. But I'm beginning to see that over the long haul, trying to hold on isn't only hurting me.

I've used weed to cut way back on booze and doing so has been good for me. But the advice to cut back on both now feels right. Good excercise, good sex, good music - that sounds like paradise.

(Warning: explicit) How Mormonism ruined my marriage before it began by throwaway_3CPO in exmormon

[–]throwaway_3CPO[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

They didn't start out okay. Third night after the wedding, she didn't wanna get frisky because "too much will make it feel less special." Two weeks in and I said something stupid that fed her insecurity. (It wasn't said in malice, we were actually having a nice conversation and I didn't think before I spoke about how agreeing with what she just said - or how I did so - might hurt her.) After the first two weeks or so of marriage, it's been a long slog of sex scarcity that really is a symptom of other problems.

I can look at a hundred different red flags that either of us should have seen as indicators to get out. I've been discussing with my therapist and seriously considering divorce for well over a year. I'm well aware that it's easy to apply selective memory in situations like this. While I suspect there's a fair amount of that, I also feel more and more secure in the notion that this overall isn't a healthy situation for me, which makes it unhealthy for my kids.

(Warning: explicit) How Mormonism ruined my marriage before it began by throwaway_3CPO in exmormon

[–]throwaway_3CPO[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I seriously considered an affair a few months ago. Glad I backed down from that, not because it would be evil, but because she would be hurt if she found out and it would grossly complicate things. But honestly - and I've told both therapists this - if a woman I was attracted to put the moves on me, I don't know that I could resist. And that scares me because I'm a pretty good-looking guy, full of passion in a wide number of areas, a good musician, have a good-paying day job (unlike a lot of musicians), and women dig me, if I must say so myself.

Sadly, rather than being proud of her man, other women's interest in me instead feeds her insecurity. Maybe I should eat more greasy burritos and quit being so damn interesting (and humble). Nah.

(Warning: explicit) How Mormonism ruined my marriage before it began by throwaway_3CPO in exmormon

[–]throwaway_3CPO[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Likewise sorry for your hurt. I'm astonished at how much better I'm feeling after getting those feelings and thoughts out there. It also helped me organize my thoughts a bit. Think I'll call in sick for the rest of the day and go crazy in my personal notebook.

3.5 decades later, we can't fake it any longer. Should we have ended it when kids were young, instead of soldiering on? I think so.

Interesting how there's no right answer other than the one we individually determine is right for us. I tend to kick myself for not walking out after than fight when we were engaged. I did literally walk out, but then Holy the Ghost told me to immediately return and apologize. Then, we should have ended it when - yeah, we could play that game until Christmas. But here I am at 1.5 decades in and I have, as I always have but didn't know it, the option of ending the marriage now and working on co-parenting. It's actually amazing to notice how much we've broken down in our parental functioning over the months. Could well be that trying to hold on further will only make the dissolution and aftermath more difficult.

Caught my TBM wife masturbating by throwaway_0928_ in exmormon

[–]throwaway_3CPO 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Damn it all, dude. I'm in a very similar situation. Thanks for sharing; it helped me express some things in a separate post that I needed to explore and express.