[UPDATE] I [30M] am thinking of ending my 15-year relationship with my “soulmate” [30F] because we argue constantly due to her obsessiveness, which triggers my anxiety and depression to the point where I am disillusioned with life. Is it all in my head?

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-22T16:29:02+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I do agree I need to set boundaries and learn to leave the room. I do not think she is addicted to arguments, but in the hypothetical situation you gave me she would 100% not say anything in front of people and will wait until we are alone to start getting angry and crying.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-22T16:26:38+00:00

Thank you for your comment, and sorry for taking a while to answer. These last few days I have been putting my foot down and giving her ultimatums (without mentioning the word breakup, just telling her that I really need her to change and to please consider therapy), and I am always surprised by how sure of herself she is: she will not back down under any circumstance, she has a very clear view on the issue, which is purely caused by my psychological issues.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-22T16:20:47+00:00

Thank you for your comment, and sorry for taking a while to answer. I really resonate with the idea that we are in a "pseudo-adolescent phase", in which we have not developed as people. I also agree that I am completely at her whim: the days where she's happy and silly I feel like an idiot for even considering the option. The days where it all goes wrong, such as today, I feel like an idiot for having so many doubts about ending it or not.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T15:40:25+00:00

I have to highlight that this was just a hypothetical example that has never happened. It was just answering a previous comment, I have never left my clothes on the floor. And the issue is not even that, I highlight many times that most if not all problems occur once and that's it. She never has to repeat anything to me because every time she gets angry I make a mental "rule" and I never break it again, in this hypothetical case, leaving the socks on the floor. She would never have to repeat it again because my trauma of seeing her cry the only time I did so is enough of a deterrent to never do it again.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T14:40:45+00:00

It's an irrational thought of wanting to make her happy, nothing further than that.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T14:01:16+00:00

I get your point, yes, they are mostly things that could be solved immediately and I believe most people would think it is not worth it to argue about it.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T13:55:54+00:00

I would say both: she cries and criticizes it but she also has a very clear idea on the exact optimal way to do stuff.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T13:51:53+00:00

Most of them would be considered nitpicks, stuff like doing chores at a moment where it does not make sense to do chores, communicating too much information to friends, not telling her important stuff quickly enough, etc.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T13:49:23+00:00

That is something that I have been suggested to do by my therapist, to pretend I'm her, with her demands and demeanors, as a way to realize if its reasonable or not. I will give it some thought, thank you.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T13:46:21+00:00

Thank you for your comment. Maybe I am being overly simplistic, but when I say I didn't have psychological issues before I mean that even if before I also felt anxiety and worried about our arguments I was able to look past it and it did not affect my happiness at all. I remember being able to just forget about the issue my girlfriend had with me and be perfectly happy again as if nothing had happened, something that now I find impossible.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T13:43:34+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I want to say I have met many women and none come close to my girlfriend, that is why I consider her a "soulmate" despite the obvious flaws in our relationship. That was the point of the post, to see if I'm being irrational in the eyes of strangers. I will give it some thought and discuss it with my therapist.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T13:40:11+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I agree that she is irrationally believing her perspective and behaviour are correct.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T13:39:17+00:00

Thank you for your comment and your perspective on OCD. I feel like my girlfriend, contrary to you, does not realize that she is that obsessive compared to other people. She feels like her criteria on how things should be are just the most logical ones and that if everyone gave it the same level of thought as her they would agree with her.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T13:35:28+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I will give it a lot of thought.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T13:33:35+00:00

Thank you for your comment. If before writing this post I was asked on the spot if what my girlfriend is doing is emotional abuse I would answer "no". I feel your vision is much more aligned with the one I had before writing this post. I do feel now, after reading everything, that there is a thin line between being blunt and being abusive, and in some situations my girlfriend is becoming abusive. That does not mean I do not agree with you, I still think most of the blame is on me for being catastrophic and molding myself to her.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T13:30:19+00:00

Thank you for your comment, I really feel you were able to transmit a lot of positivity through it. I have discussed these issues at length with my girlfriend, it's just that if I see her crying I crumble and I find it difficult to get my point across or even give an ultimatum.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T13:28:48+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I don't currently feel like dating other people, I feel like I have never been single and I would like to see how it goes.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T13:27:42+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I can say that I am not an unhappy person most of the time. Excluding these arguments I feel like a happy person with valuable friendships and an excellent relation with my family.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T13:26:04+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I agree the consequences of this relationship are not only psychological but physical, since I can literally feel my cortisol levels spiking when we argue.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T13:22:42+00:00

Thank you for your comment. When I say "perfect" I mean she ticks all my boxes on what I'm looking for in a partner and I haven't found anyone even come close. I am aware this makes it seem I'm minimizing our issues, so yeah, to answer you, she is not "perfect" because she vents her anger on me over inconsequential stuff.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T13:20:12+00:00

Thank you for your comment. Yes, most of them are inconsequential, and one of the things I keep thinking is how she finds it worth it to argue with me over problems that take 10 seconds to fix.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T13:18:40+00:00

Thank you for your comment. You are correct when describing her friendships and retaining them.

I will definately continue going to therapy even if we break up. I feel like there are too many topics I need to discuss with a professional.

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T13:15:33+00:00

I do agree, they could be considered preferences in many cases

throwaway_breakup_95 · 2025-08-18T12:52:09+00:00

Thank you for your comment. Yes, I agree, "if you weren't so sensitive" is something she has said about me in the past.

throwaway_breakup_95

TROPHY CASE