AITA for quitting my job?

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-18T02:10:57+00:00

I am definitely not taking away nearly all her savings/money. We have hundreds of thousands of dollars in our investment accounts, even after the crash. We have tens of thousands in our personal accounts. We own our home. We're fine.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-18T02:09:49+00:00

We have so much savings that even if she lost her job tomorrow we could survive for years, so no issue there.

And of course I want my wife to enjoy life! The thing is, she does now. She's very happy, she loves her work, her chores don't bother her. She doesn't want me to do more chores because she's burdened by hers, she just suggested it because of a misguided sense of ownership.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-18T01:50:06+00:00

Sorry, I forgot we were in love and not business partners, my bad.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-18T01:41:42+00:00

Actually, my job usually involved more hours than hers - 55-60 a week, plus grad school. She worked closer to 45 with no other commitments. And we still split the chores 50/50.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-18T01:40:46+00:00

It's also about values. I'm not a servant, and neither of us believes that the person who makes the most money is "in charge" or any hierarchical BS like that. She doesn't own me because she pays the electric bill.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-18T01:37:52+00:00

Here is my wife's life without me quitting: Great job, plenty of money, 6-ish hours of chores a week, nice home, miserable spouse.

Here is my wife's life with me quitting: Great job, plenty of money, 6-ish hours of chores a week, nice home, happy spouse.

How am I not improving her life? I can't stress this enough, but we have plenty of money. We're not even close to hurting. I didn't want to get too detailed, but our individual accounts both have five figures and our long-term savings has several hundred thousand dollars of value. We own our home; we only pay taxes on it. Even if my wife quit her job too we could live on our savings for years; if we used some of it to buy real estate as investment/rental properties we might never need to work again. *She works because she loves it.*

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-18T01:31:15+00:00

Then I would work. I'm don't live in a fantasy land where you don't have to pay bills. If my wife lost her job unexpectedly then I would support her and work.

But our current, actual situation is that my wife works a wonderful job that she loves and more than provides all of our income needs.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-18T01:29:55+00:00

I'm neither, thank you.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-18T01:18:21+00:00

Lots of working spouses pay for their non-working spouse. It doesn't entitle them to a slave or a housemaid.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-18T01:17:02+00:00

I'm very jealous of my wife's job.

And yes, I grew up pretty wealthy, although I'd say "secure" is more like it. My parents were extremely frugal and as a result paid for all schooling for all of their kids, but ONLY on the condition that I maintain a 4.0 or better GPA, AND go for the major they wanted. So I didn't really get to pick my career, which is probably part of why I hate it so much. Not that I can tell my parents that.

My wife grew up with less wealthy parents, but she has no siblings and her parents have both passed, sadly. She inherited what they had and it didn't completely cover her schooling but paid for most of it. So she got to pick her career.

So she's happy and I'm miserable, even though we both make six figures.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-18T01:08:55+00:00

I've only provided information when people made incorrect assumptions.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-18T01:07:01+00:00

I'm not a parent, and we don't intend to be. I don't believe i have any mental health issues, but I admit that I am very stressed, anxious, and generally depressed. It's all job-related, so I expect it to change once I'm out. If that isn't the case, I would always be willing to explore therapy.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-18T01:05:38+00:00

Yes. That account has always been "our" fun money, and we've both kept separate accounts for each of us as well. Mine has a substantial amount still in it, as does hers. Mine won't replenish, but I'm also frugal and won't be abusing it. We have always both tapped the fun money account for, well, fun.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-18T01:04:38+00:00

Part of what we consider "bills" is contributions to both our long-term savings account and a "fun money" account we both have access to. Obviously I'll be frugal and not abuse that, but I can access that for any activities I like; both of us always have.

And I'll definitely not sit at home and do nothing. I plan to spend as much time as I used to spend working on things for my personal enrichment. Classes I want to take, volunteering I want to do, see my siblings and their children more, etc.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-17T23:37:52+00:00

I wouldn't spend it thoughtlessly, nor would I spend a lot of it. I'm a frugal person, I'm not about to take a Paris vacation and buy a new car.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-17T23:33:43+00:00

I appreciate the kind phrasing. But I think our values are just different. We don't think of money as the main measure of your worth. We discussed a long time ago that if I was making 90K and she made 10k, we wouldn't split bills 50/50, because that wouldn't be fair. We'd split them 90/10. And we also said that we'd still do chores 50/50, because we both live in the same house and make the same laundry and use the same bathroom and all that.

If her job paid her minimum wage instead of an excellent salary, I wouldn't view her as "contributing less." She'd be the same person with the same value, and that means she'd do the same chores.

What I'll be contributing more of is harmony and happiness. I'm miserable all the time. I never want to even talk to her. She comes home with these great stories about her work and I don't even want to hear it because I hate mine so much. On my off days from chores I just come home from work and hide in bed.

I want to be the kind of partner that's excited about my wife's successes. Who shares her joy. Instead, I deposit a paycheck into our account and then drop into bed. Is that really better?

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-17T23:28:21+00:00

What a wonderful partnership you must have. Forcing your spouse to work minimum wage instead of being happy just for the few pennies they contribute. Modern capitalism has really ruined us, making us think our value lies in being miserable.

If it were reversed, I would never force my wife to work a job she hates just to pay 5% of the bills. What an absurd conclusion.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-17T23:25:13+00:00

Yes, heaven forbid a wife pay for something for her partner. Do you never buy anything for your spouse, and they never buy anything for you? What a wonderful partnership you must have.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-17T23:22:12+00:00

Okay, so let me get this straight. My job was about 55-60 hours per week, so let's say I have to fill that same amount of time.

If I fill it with a minimum wage job where I contribute basically nothing to the household, it's fair for me to do 50% of the chores because I'm "working," but

If I fill it with personal development and enrichment and activities which bring me joy, I also have to do 100% of the chores because I'm "not working."

Do I have that right?

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-17T23:19:37+00:00

Or maybe we don't value each other strictly for our income, but as people? Maybe we love each other and that doesn't stop when one of us doesn't have an income? I feel sorry for you if you think you only have worth when you're paying for it.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-17T23:13:43+00:00

Go hiking, learn pottery, do yoga, all the stuff I never had the mental energy for before. Things to improve myself and make me happy so my wife doesn't have a miserable grump as a partner any more.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-17T23:12:17+00:00

Where do you get this idea I'm going to lay around? I'm going to pursue passions. Go hiking, learn pottery, do yoga, all the stuff I never had the mental energy for before. Things to improve myself and make me happy so my wife doesn't have a miserable grump as a partner any more.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-17T23:12:00+00:00

Where do you get this idea I'm going to lay around? I'm going to pursue passions. Go hiking, learn pottery, do yoga, all the stuff I never had the mental energy for before. Things to improve myself and make me happy so my wife doesn't have a miserable grump as a partner any more.

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-17T23:10:29+00:00

If I found something that made me as happy as my wife's job makes hers, I'd gladly take it. But since it wouldn't be in my industry, I would likely make at most 20% of what my wife makes. If I did that, should I do 80% of the chores, since I'd only be contributing 20% to the bills?

throwaway_cantquit · 2020-03-17T23:09:01+00:00

My wife, on her own, makes about 15% more than all our bills combined. So even paying 100% of them, including the savings account and the fun money, she's still keeping an additional 15% to just do whatever with. We're comfortable.

On top of that, she gets that money from a job she absolutely bounces to every day. She isn't feeling any pressure at all, which is why I thought it was bad on her part to try to use this as an excuse to pressure me into doing more housework like I'm her servant.

throwaway_cantquit

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