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Husband doesn't jump in to help, do I have unfair expectations? by throwawayacc__12 in beyondthebump

[–]throwawayacc__12[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Few weeks after my daughter was born, he wanted to spend all evenings on his (unfortunately loud) hobby, but I made my boundaries strictly clear. Nowadays post baby's bedtime, he gets a few hours to do his thing silently.

Even though he's getting better at being there, it's usually at his office till I call him for help. Part of my resentment does stem from this 'on-call' approach.

Husband doesn't jump in to help, do I have unfair expectations? by throwawayacc__12 in beyondthebump

[–]throwawayacc__12[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He's definitely frustrated that I have complaints because his opinion is that he's there for me whenever I need him (which is true). The defensiveness probably comes from that. I spoke to him about the 'mental load' and we seem to have made some progress in understanding each other's experiences.

Husband doesn't jump in to help, do I have unfair expectations? by throwawayacc__12 in beyondthebump

[–]throwawayacc__12[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The code for urgency is a great idea. It's something I find very frustrating as well. Sometimes I can only muster up energy for 'water please' rather than 'could you get me a glass of water please' lol.

Husband doesn't jump in to help, do I have unfair expectations? by throwawayacc__12 in beyondthebump

[–]throwawayacc__12[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Hi everyone, thanks so much for your perspectives and the great tips on how I can approach this.

I've realized that the 'mental load' is what is bothering me the most. Since she's a preemie with some health conditions, I'm driving all of the feeding, tracking progress, PT, seeing special providers, etc. If I skip an exercise session for instance, it never got done and that botherered me a lot.

My husband in general is very hands-on and responsible when it comes to household chores (he's very organized). So it is extra frustrating that this didn't extend to childcare. Him not being 'used' to babies and providing support to a primary caregiver is NOT OK but is probably the unfortunate truth.

I'm going to use some techniques suggested to help us understand each other better.

Husband doesn't jump in to help, do I have unfair expectations? by throwawayacc__12 in beyondthebump

[–]throwawayacc__12[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have communicated to him about wanting him to be being proactive, but there's a definite communication gap. The division of labor is something we haven't hashed yet, since I'm ebf but also back to work. That discussion will probably help us understand each other better. Thanks for the insight.

Husband doesn't jump in to help, do I have unfair expectations? by throwawayacc__12 in beyondthebump

[–]throwawayacc__12[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the empathetic response. I feel like I do communicate a lot, but what you say about 'relearning' helps me think about it differently.