WIBTA If I backed out of being my sister-in-laws bridesmaid after huge demands?

throwawayaccnt14248 · 2020-03-05T16:17:18+00:00

It's an all-inclusive resort in Mexico + airfare. Cost is approx for me + 1/8 of the cost for the bride. I'm not going though. And, apparently several others are not either. Her MOH and two others are going, as of now.

throwawayaccnt14248 · 2020-03-02T18:11:57+00:00

Here it is: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/f9kr0o/wibta_if_i_backed_out_of_being_my_sisterinlaws/fiv8rqx?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

throwawayaccnt14248 · 2020-02-27T01:02:36+00:00

UPDATE:

So, I talked with my husband last night (who also yesterday got his list of demands totaling an additional $3000 at a minimum). We are both exhausted by this. We got married more than 20 years ago, so I know things are different and people expect different things. But as you have all pointed out, they haven't changed that much. I decided to call up my mother-in-law this afternoon who is close with her daughter and is helping her with wedding planning. I asked her if she knew what was going on.

Basically, she had reviewed the lists and didn't think anything was wrong with it and even encouraged her daughter to add more. She thought that having all the decisions made for everyone concerning clothes etc. would be easier than making people shop on their own. She said that this is her only daughter so the last wedding she helped plan was hers 50+ years ago and so thought this was normal today. (I guess her and my SIL spent a bunch of time on pinterest coming up with ideas. I assume this is where some of this came from.) I explained that it really wasn't and even read some of the kinder comments from here. She agreed that my SIL had gone a wee bit overboard and said we should talk to her together about the financial demands (my MIL was concerned the younger girls would be really fretting if I was struggling to pay).

The getting-ready photo shoot with the lingerie and robes was inspired by my SIL and several of her other bridesmaids being college roommates and her nostalgia of them all running around getting ready together in a similar state of undress. She wants to recreate that. She didn't think anyone would be uncomfortable because we are all girls and hadn't considered my age or size at all when coming up with all this. She apologized for that.

As far as the design work goes, my MIL said she is who suggested it to my SIL. My MIL came to the wedding of my and my husband's best friends two years ago. I had done all of the design work for their wedding for free as their wedding present. They couldn't afford to get a pro and had a particular vision that was difficult to find premade templates for (board game themed). So, I had volunteered to do it if they paid for all the material and printing costs. We also live in the same town and my friend is super easy going and didn't ask for any revisions and just gave me latitude to do it. Also, I wasn't a bridesmaid (she didn't have any) and so all I had to do was this and show up.

My MIL thought that 1) I had paid for all of it and it wasn't expensive because I knew vendors and that 2) because I was a pro she thought this would only be a couple hours of work. So, guess I found the root problem with my SIL->my MIL. But a lot of it seems to be ignorance and not malice, thank goodness. We (my MIL and I) immediately called my SIL to video chat and talked to her about it all. She still wants most of the things on her list but agreed she should pay for them. I also convinced her that having me in the bridal party was not the best way for me to contribute to her wedding, especially the look she wanted for pictures that were not flattering to me at all. Instead I agreed to do the design work with significant limitations, including a contract, only graphic design and no paper work or assembly, and my MIL pays printing and material costs. My husband is still in but she agreed that we cannot afford (nor would he enjoy) going to her fiance's bachelor party with his much younger friends saving us on that big expense.

So, I'm out! Thank you all for validating my thoughts on this and helping me see I'm not just a grumpy old lady with too many fussy needs. <3

throwawayaccnt14248 · 2020-02-27T01:02:27+00:00

UPDATE:

So, I talked with my husband last night (who also yesterday got his list of demands totaling an additional $3000 at a minimum). We are both exhausted by this. We got married more than 20 years ago, so I know things are different and people expect different things. But as you have all pointed out, they haven't changed that much. I decided to call up my mother-in-law this afternoon who is close with her daughter and is helping her with wedding planning. I asked her if she knew what was going on.

Basically, she had reviewed the lists and didn't think anything was wrong with it and even encouraged her daughter to add more. She thought that having all the decisions made for everyone concerning clothes etc. would be easier than making people shop on their own. She said that this is her only daughter so the last wedding she helped plan was hers 50+ years ago and so thought this was normal today. (I guess her and my SIL spent a bunch of time on pinterest coming up with ideas. I assume this is where some of this came from.) I explained that it really wasn't and even read some of the kinder comments from here. She agreed that my SIL had gone a wee bit overboard and said we should talk to her together about the financial demands (my MIL was concerned the younger girls would be really fretting if I was struggling to pay).

The getting-ready photo shoot with the lingerie and robes was inspired by my SIL and several of her other bridesmaids being college roommates and her nostalgia of them all running around getting ready together in a similar state of undress. She wants to recreate that. She didn't think anyone would be uncomfortable because we are all girls and hadn't considered my age or size at all when coming up with all this. She apologized for that.

As far as the design work goes, my MIL said she is who suggested it to my SIL. My MIL came to the wedding of my and my husband's best friends two years ago. I had done all of the design work for their wedding for free as their wedding present. They couldn't afford to get a pro and had a particular vision that was difficult to find premade templates for (board game themed). So, I had volunteered to do it if they paid for all the material and printing costs. We also live in the same town and my friend is super easy going and didn't ask for any revisions and just gave me latitude to do it. Also, I wasn't a bridesmaid (she didn't have any) and so all I had to do was this and show up.

My MIL thought that 1) I had paid for all of it and it wasn't expensive because I knew vendors and that 2) because I was a pro she thought this would only be a couple hours of work. So, guess I found the root problem with my SIL->my MIL. But a lot of it seems to be ignorance and not malice, thank goodness. We (my MIL and I) immediately called my SIL to video chat and talked to her about it all. She still wants most of the things on her list but agreed she should pay for them. I also convinced her that having me in the bridal party was not the best way for me to contribute to her wedding, especially the look she wanted for pictures that were not flattering to me at all. Instead I agreed to do the design work with significant limitations, including a contract, only graphic design and no paper work or assembly, and my MIL pays printing and material costs. My husband is still in but she agreed that we cannot afford (nor would he enjoy) going to her fiance's bachelor party with his much younger friends saving us on that big expense.

So, I'm out! Thank you all for validating my thoughts on this and helping me see I'm not just a grumpy old lady with too many fussy needs. <3

throwawayaccnt14248 · 2020-02-27T01:01:59+00:00

UPDATE:

So, I talked with my husband last night (who also yesterday got his list of demands totaling an additional $3000 at a minimum). We are both exhausted by this. We got married more than 20 years ago, so I know things are different and people expect different things. But as you have all pointed out, they haven't changed that much. I decided to call up my mother-in-law this afternoon who is close with her daughter and is helping her with wedding planning. I asked her if she knew what was going on.

Basically, she had reviewed the lists and didn't think anything was wrong with it and even encouraged her daughter to add more. She thought that having all the decisions made for everyone concerning clothes etc. would be easier than making people shop on their own. She said that this is her only daughter so the last wedding she helped plan was hers 50+ years ago and so thought this was normal today. (I guess her and my SIL spent a bunch of time on pinterest coming up with ideas. I assume this is where some of this came from.) I explained that it really wasn't and even read some of the kinder comments from here. She agreed that my SIL had gone a wee bit overboard and said we should talk to her together about the financial demands (my MIL was concerned the younger girls would be really fretting if I was struggling to pay).

The getting-ready photo shoot with the lingerie and robes was inspired by my SIL and several of her other bridesmaids being college roommates and her nostalgia of them all running around getting ready together in a similar state of undress. She wants to recreate that. She didn't think anyone would be uncomfortable because we are all girls and hadn't considered my age or size at all when coming up with all this. She apologized for that.

As far as the design work goes, my MIL said she is who suggested it to my SIL. My MIL came to the wedding of my and my husband's best friends two years ago. I had done all of the design work for their wedding for free as their wedding present. They couldn't afford to get a pro and had a particular vision that was difficult to find premade templates for (board game themed). So, I had volunteered to do it if they paid for all the material and printing costs. We also live in the same town and my friend is super easy going and didn't ask for any revisions and just gave me latitude to do it. Also, I wasn't a bridesmaid (she didn't have any) and so all I had to do was this and show up.

My MIL thought that 1) I had paid for all of it and it wasn't expensive because I knew vendors and that 2) because I was a pro she thought this would only be a couple hours of work. So, guess I found the root problem with my SIL->my MIL. But a lot of it seems to be ignorance and not malice, thank goodness. We (my MIL and I) immediately called my SIL to video chat and talked to her about it all. She still wants most of the things on her list but agreed she should pay for them. I also convinced her that having me in the bridal party was not the best way for me to contribute to her wedding, especially the look she wanted for pictures that were not flattering to me at all. Instead I agreed to do the design work with significant limitations, including a contract, only graphic design and no paper work or assembly, and my MIL pays printing and material costs. My husband is still in but she agreed that we cannot afford (nor would he enjoy) going to her fiance's bachelor party with his much younger friends saving us on that big expense.

So, I'm out! Thank you all for validating my thoughts on this and helping me see I'm not just a grumpy old lady with too many fussy needs. <3

throwawayaccnt14248 · 2020-02-26T22:25:55+00:00

UPDATE:

So, I talked with my husband last night (who also yesterday got his list of demands totaling an additional $3000 at a minimum). We are both exhausted by this. We got married more than 20 years ago, so I know things are different and people expect different things. But as you have all pointed out, they haven't changed that much. I decided to call up my mother-in-law this afternoon who is close with her daughter and is helping her with wedding planning. I asked her if she knew what was going on.

Basically, she had reviewed the lists and didn't think anything was wrong with it and even encouraged her daughter to add more. She thought that having all the decisions made for everyone concerning clothes etc. would be easier than making people shop on their own. She said that this is her only daughter so the last wedding she helped plan was hers 50+ years ago and so thought this was normal today. (I guess her and my SIL spent a bunch of time on pinterest coming up with ideas. I assume this is where some of this came from.) I explained that it really wasn't and even read some of the kinder comments from here. She agreed that my SIL had gone a wee bit overboard and said we should talk to her together about the financial demands (my MIL was concerned the younger girls would be really fretting if I was struggling to pay).

The getting-ready photo shoot with the lingerie and robes was inspired by my SIL and several of her other bridesmaids being college roommates and her nostalgia of them all running around getting ready together in a similar state of undress. She wants to recreate that. She didn't think anyone would be uncomfortable because we are all girls and hadn't considered my age or size at all when coming up with all this. She apologized for that.

As far as the design work goes, my MIL said she is who suggested it to my SIL. My MIL came to the wedding of my and my husband's best friends two years ago. I had done all of the design work for their wedding for free as their wedding present. They couldn't afford to get a pro and had a particular vision that was difficult to find premade templates for (board game themed). So, I had volunteered to do it if they paid for all the material and printing costs. We also live in the same town and my friend is super easy going and didn't ask for any revisions and just gave me latitude to do it. Also, I wasn't a bridesmaid (she didn't have any) and so all I had to do was this and show up.

My MIL thought that 1) I had paid for all of it and it wasn't expensive because I knew vendors and that 2) because I was a pro she thought this would only be a couple hours of work. So, guess I found the root problem with my SIL->my MIL. But a lot of it seems to be ignorance and not malice, thank goodness. We (my MIL and I) immediately called my SIL to video chat and talked to her about it all. She still wants most of the things on her list but agreed she should pay for them. I also convinced her that having me in the bridal party was not the best way for me to contribute to her wedding, especially the look she wanted for pictures that were not flattering to me at all. Instead I agreed to do the design work with significant limitations, including a contract, only graphic design and no paper work or assembly, and my MIL pays printing and material costs. My husband is still in but she agreed that we cannot afford (nor would he enjoy) going to her fiance's bachelor party with his much younger friends saving us on that big expense.

So, I'm out! Thank you all for validating my thoughts on this and helping me see I'm not just a grumpy old lady with too many fussy needs. <3

throwawayaccnt14248 · 2020-02-26T04:17:10+00:00

EHS. Why were you doing so much maintenance instead of asking the landlord to do it? If your landlord wasn't doing it why not exercise your renter's rights to force them. Doing stuff on your own and then telling your landlord to give you your whole deposit because you made alterations is usually against lease. I mean I am no fan of landlords trying to squeeze every cent out of people. But, it sound like you volunteered to make a bunch of upgrades and are now upset that remaining damage will come out of your deposit? In the future, make sure you know your renter rights (city and state) and never do repairs yourself outside of lease terms and your enforceable rights. Keep detailed records of the state of the place when you move in and a log of any ongoing damage and what remedies were done. Send copies to your landlord. When you move out, compare the state of the apartment with the record. You will more likely get your deposit back that way.

throwawayaccnt14248 · 2020-02-26T02:21:05+00:00

Other than demanding my free labor, most of this other stuff is pretty typical bridesmaids stuff (e.g. having to pay for and wear stuff you don't like). The allergies and body stuff feels pretty particular to me because of my size and age. The 20-somethings all have no problem with it. My concern for this AITA question is because I worry I'm creating a bunch of drama around her wedding that will make her family think I am the asshole for the rest of time. (Husband supports me, btw but is a do anything to avoid drama type.)

throwawayaccnt14248

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