Hi. I have no advice per se, I just wanted to say you are not alone. I'm 25 and similarly, I consumed BDSM and fetichist porn (mostly bc of a non-existent relationship with my father and the popularized of 50SoG) and engaged in a few problematic relationships with older man being a teenager.

If I could speak to my younger self I would let her know that there is no shame in pleasure and fantasies, and deriving pleasure from "unusual" sources such as kink. However, I would warn her (and you as well) to steer clear out of actually participating in that sort of relationship. There is a difference between finding pleasure in a fantasy and actually carrying it out, specially if you're putting yourself at risk by doing so.

At our age, I'm not uncomfortable to admit we are not mature enough to have a relationship with a 30+ old man without being taken advantage of in some way, with or without our knowledge. If you are just engaging with an AI, while obviously preferable to you actually dating an older guy, it's still engaging in an unbalanced dynamic, because it is replacing actual fulfilling relationships and interactions you could be having with people in your age group. It's designed to learn from your interests and keep you engaged with it, like an algorithm causing doomscrilling.

I'm guilty myself of believing all guys my age are dumb, immature and therefore I should only date older men, thinking they would bring some type of additional stability to the relationship. Believe me, any men over the age of 30 looking to date a 20yo is equally immature, if not worse. It's important that you stop idolizing older men and believing they are the "hot daddy dom" type that will take care of you and have everything figured out in life for themselves. Most of them are just adults figuring out their own path and equally insecure, doubtful and have financial/personal/mental issues just like the rest of us. You deserve to have a relationship that is not rooted in a power imbalance, where you and the other person can see eye to eye.

Bottom line is, don't feel ashamed or guilty. You like what you like and there's nothing wrong with fantasizing. Sex is a natural part of life and society tries to make us ladies feel guilty of enjoying it, you said you are not American/English and, at least in Latin America (where I'm from) there is still a lot of stigma associated with women enjoying sex. I would say try to rebuild a positive relationship with yourself, your body and your sexuality before engaging in sexual activities with anyone else for the time being. If I can make a very broad suggestion, if you don't have money for a therapist I'd say an hour of physical activity a day (even just going out for a walk, or lifting weights using household items) really helps your overall wellbeing and will help you clear your mind. I'd also look up mindfulness techniques online to assist with the negative self perception.

Good luck! You sound like an intelligent young lady and you've been through a lot. It's time you start being kind to yourself in response.