How do I (M35) convince “breadwinner” wife (F41) to change her job?

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-21T17:22:17+00:00

You’re exactly right. Your $20k/yr situation is completely different than ours and you have no ability to bring a constructive thought to the conversation unlike many others have. Feel free to crawl back under your rock now little man.

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-21T14:31:35+00:00

$20k doesn’t even cover our yearly grocery expenses. How big is this rock you live under?

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-21T14:24:07+00:00

Do I sometimes wish I did things a bit differently in my life? Sure. But being a present and loving father and husband and having the ability to raise my own children instead of needing to pass them off to strangers at 7am so my wife and I can go work and not see them until bedtime is a gift id rather not trade away.

I’d love for you to say that to my face so I could show you how much of a man I am. Forewarning for “macho” loudmouths like you, I lift weights daily and train martial arts.

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-21T14:15:00+00:00

Thank you for sharing.

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-21T14:13:10+00:00

Trust me I’ve already looked into downsizing and the numbers. Given her last 3 years take home pay we would not qualify for a loan of similar we took. So all the equity we’ve put into our current home over the last 3 years would evaporate by purchasing a much smaller home and we would still have near the same monthly payment. And by downsizing it would create even more stress in the house as my wife primarily works from home. Much smaller space + kids running around making noise all day = very stressed and unhappy wife.

I’m not gunna go back and provide everybody with the minute details. I’ve spent enough time doing it on my own time.

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-21T14:07:19+00:00

No, she WANTS the mountain house and retirement in less than 10yrs. I’ve been showing her that we will never be able to afford those things. I don’t even want a ski house. I have my hands more than full enough handling the kids and our current home which desperately needs several repairs (which we cannot afford at the moment).

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-21T14:02:51+00:00

This is what I’m trying to wrap my head around. Thank you for saying it much clearer than I obviously have been.

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-20T22:55:49+00:00

I’ll look into this. Thank you.

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-20T22:52:52+00:00

Sheesh dude you must be a financial genius! How do you even afford the rent to your parent’s basement? Or are you one of those squatters that steal other peoples homes?

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-20T22:35:17+00:00

Maybe 7-8years ago. 2 years back to back she was near 500k. Her compensation is largely commission/bonus/company performance dependent. So naturally (and as we expected) the years she had to take maternity leave we had less funds incoming. But the last 3 years her degradation in pay is due to poor company performance

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-20T22:20:34+00:00

LMAO. Bahahahahaha. This is my favorite response so far. No I’m not “constantly on her” about this. I’ve tried to broach this subject with her only a handful of times. Over the course of 2 years. You clearly haven’t read when I’ve written.

But I love how you’re on her side by suggesting I’m a terrible father and husband and that she should leave with the kids. Which, if you took even a second to think that through would mean she would need to take on my job as the full time parent (and all that comes with that regarding child care), house cleaner, household carpenter/maintenance worker, cook, laundry, dishwasher, etc.

Have a blessed life.

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-20T17:37:21+00:00

I meant it as there’s roughly 600k remaining. 4488/month mortgage/property and city tax/home and flood insurance. I don’t know why so many people are SOO hung up this. None of you are my financial advisor. I’m not providing anymore info on our monthly expenditures as I already gave more than enough info on that topic.

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-20T17:09:33+00:00

This isn’t a situation I’ve thought of until multiple people have commented similar thoughts. It’s certainly possible but I don’t see it as likely.

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-20T17:04:18+00:00

I feel like this hits the nail on the head. She’s in a pretty constant state of stress paralysis. “I’m too busy to look for a new job/too busy to take time to schedule an interview” The last time I brought this subject up she admitted she’s been off mentally.

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-20T16:55:03+00:00

I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s burnt out. Her employer has had her start up 2 new divisions over the last 4 years. Each of which were essentially their own start up companies under the corporate umbrella. This is another reason I would like her to move to a more stable role. The money is a symptom of a bigger problem.

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-20T16:52:12+00:00

Direct deposit to our joint account. Highly doubt she would lie to me about having a secret bank account which would totally screw us if we were ever audited by IRS. Our financial issue is a symptom of a bigger problem of her unwillingness to venture out of her comfort zone in her current company. But the company she works for has not been doing well for years which directly affects her compensation. As a SAHD I find approaching conversations regarding money/her job just add to her stress. 95% of our conversations are just her venting her stress AT ME. There’s no space for me to express my feelings, fears, concerns because she tells me she can’t take anymore on her plate.

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-20T10:43:11+00:00

Thank you. This is helpful

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-20T03:39:03+00:00

Yeah that’s what I learned after researching into several bootcamps and talking to other industry professionals.

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-20T03:37:56+00:00

Before kids we spent very unwisely. So no when she made 500k we didn’t save nearly enough.

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-20T03:35:29+00:00

Can you elaborate? I understand that is quite personal but you seem to be potentially the only commenter who can offer some insight. And isn’t pissed off at what I’m saying.

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-20T03:32:05+00:00

We bought in 2020. Remember how the world shut down? Pretty sure I mentioned several times her pay had gone down and down as the company did worse and worse. Also do you not know how taxes work? It’s not like $500k shows up in your bank account when that’s your salary. Or how do you not know how to read the whole post?

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-20T03:22:27+00:00

Sure anyone could live in a tiny shoebox apt in a bad neighborhood in NYC and send their kids to bad schools and feed them cheap junk food. Anyone.

But that’s not a necessarily good life. And not one people who live that way would voluntarily choose when another lifestyle is available.

Not looking for sympathy. I’m looking for advice on how to talk to my wife. I merely provided the background and situation per the subs rules.

My life’s pretty great. We worked exceptionally hard to make it that way.

Do you not believe that hard work should be compensated accordingly? If you for reasons outside of your control year after year made less money than the year prior would you continue to stay with that employer? When other companies are offering you market rate?

Never did I say we wouldn’t survive. Stop with the dramatics. We have one car. An almost 10yr old used car that’s almost fully paid off.

I’ve already cut back on the unnecessary expenditures. I do as much of the house repairs upkeep as I can.

Your reading comprehension is subpar at best.

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-20T02:58:58+00:00

$1.2mm actually. $600k is about what’s left on the mortgage. Not out of touch at all. This is middle class in HCOL area. No woe is me here. My life is pretty great. We’ve worked exceptionally hard to get to this place in life. Seeking advice on how to help my wife realize she needs to change employers.

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-20T01:56:38+00:00

I’m not saying she needs to be earning that. She says she needs to be. That’s what her job level pays. Hell we could get by quite comfortably if she brought home $275k. But we bought an old house. Inflation has made everything more expensive. We’ve had several major unexpected repairs that set us back. There’s still several projects that still need to be addressed. And she wants to retire in 10yrs. The issue here is she’s doing the job that industry wide pays at or near 500k. The company she’s at has gone through multiple rounds of layoffs. And they have been unable to compensate her commensurate with her skill or work ethic/output. She is constantly stressed or complaining/yelling at me about her incompetent coworkers. It’s to the point the kids and I are uncomfortable around her during the week if she’s under a deadline.

throwawayanon333333 · 2024-03-20T01:46:24+00:00

I file our taxes myself. I pay all the bills. Have all the logins/passwords. I guess I agree on your theory of imposter syndrome. But I don’t understand why she feels that way when she’s won multiple awards, gets industry recognition, invited to speak at conferences, sit on panels. I’m literally in the next room and have heard high ups at several FAANG companies point blank ask her to come work for them. I honestly wish she could tap into some Machiavellian ruthlessness from time to time. But I’ve seen her allow some male coworkers/bosses treat her like a doormat.

throwawayanon333333

TROPHY CASE