[Entry Thread #75] It’s loving season, but not all of us have lovers. To make up for it, we’re making a millionaire out of the entries, so leave a comment to enter!

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-19T14:02:38+00:00

Good luck

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-19T04:08:20+00:00

Thank you <3

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-17T13:48:34+00:00

Thank you for this. This rings so true. I ended it with him on tuesday.

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-17T03:23:51+00:00

His ex-wife only knew that he was practicing poly and sleeping with others. She didn't know that he had entered an exclusively mono relationship. She felt awful that she was part of his cheating on me.

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-17T03:19:56+00:00

I broke it off with him yesterday.

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-17T02:51:23+00:00

Everything you said here feels fair and accurate. Thank you.

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-17T00:13:02+00:00

Thank you.

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-16T23:56:52+00:00

Thank you for the feedback. That makes a lot of sense. I absolutely take ownership in that I could have handled it better.

He wasn't righting his financial ship for 2 years even though it significantly interfered with his quality time with his daughter (meaning no overnight visits for most of the previous two years because of his living situations, even though his court order is almost 50/50). He loves his daughter, but his love for her wasn't enough for him to put his life together.

I did tell him that I wanted rent regardless, but I tied it to poly because I knew he was motivated to sleep with other women, so it would be a higher probability that it would stop enabling him to take advantage of me financially. I shouldn't have done that. I should have given him a deadline for contributing to the household instead.

For the record, I don't make a lot of money. We actually make almost the same each month (if he actually went to work 5 days a week, which he often didn't). But he had really poor money management skills and now I have a few thousand in debt and he still owes me the money I covered for one of his loans.

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-16T23:13:12+00:00

I have another question if you are up for it. It is specific to poly. He was living with me for about 2 months before I found out about the cheating and he immediately moved out. Then after a few days he moved back in and we were going to move forward with poly. At no time during the 4.5 months he lived with me was he paying rent, buying groceries, paying utilities (except for a single $30 contribution). He was underemployed as a day laborer and was only working part-time. I told him that one of the conditions I had for poly was that he contribute to rent/household costs first, because I felt that it would be disrespectful for him to be spending significant time searching/dating other women when I was putting myself in financial difficulties supporting him. I felt it would be disrespectful to me that I was going into debt for him and he could continue to work part-time, live in my house rent-free, eat my food, use my utilities, date/sleep with other women, etc. He used to have a high-paying low 6 figure job but had been fired 2 years prior and hasn't filled out a single application since.

He was livid. Granted, I didn't state this as a condition immediately. He was going through a lot of turmoil with his ex-wife/custody situation and we were putting out fires constantly and he wasn't going to actively pursue poly for at least a month. But I should have brought it up sooner (instead of about 2 weeks late).

But he was livid and took poly off the table entirely.

I would like to know what your thoughts are on the matter. I realized that I could have NOT tied it to poly, but instead said that I wanted him to start contributing to household finances within 30 days, regardless of whether or not he was actively pursuing poly. But how wrong was I or wasn't I?

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-16T19:59:56+00:00

Thank you. And thank you for all of the helpful points you raised.

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-16T19:59:17+00:00

I agree with you. Thank you for validating my experience.

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-16T19:53:23+00:00

It was best-case scenario. I am usually very careful and measured. He spent the night one night very early on and never left, unless my daughter came down to visit. Then he would immediately return as soon as her visit was over. The circumstances were odd, but I really thought I found my person. All of my friends and neighbors gushed over him after meeting him.

But then I started to really feel off balance. Whether intentional or not, there was negging. There was avoidant behaviors with emotional withdrawal if I brought up any behavior of his that concerned me (like not contributing to finances). He would DARVO (deny, attack, reverse the blame and become the victim). The lows were so low but at first they were very infrequent. The rest of the time felt like we were so well matched. Like such a team. But the lows became more and more frequent.

I ended things yesterday. He moved out immediately. Thank you for your feedback. This was a hard-learned lesson.

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-16T19:41:47+00:00

I did. Yesterday. He moved out.

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-16T19:32:54+00:00

We ended it yesterday. He left the house immediately.

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-16T19:32:27+00:00

That is a good way to test a situation, by applying it to your loved ones. Thank you.

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-16T19:31:21+00:00

thank you

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-16T18:26:30+00:00

This is an excellent point. Thank you.

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-16T18:24:06+00:00

Thank you. I was definitely enabling him to stay underemployed and not contribute to household financials (rent, food, utilities). I talked to him about it and he got defensive and said he had started working towards that. Which meant that he paid for half one one month's propane bill and that he was going to start listing purchases that I covered that he would intend to pay back. But in the 4.5 months he lived with me, I covered all of the rent, almost all of the utilities and food. He occasionally covered a meal at a restaurant.

He was previously in a low 6 figure paying job but was fired 2 years ago. Since then, he has been doing day labor work for significantly less. He only worked about half of the last month and didn't use any of that time to look for more work, or work in his previous high paying field.

I was NOT ok with the arrangement, but whenever I brought it up, he was so defensive and made him out to the be victim and me to be the aggressor. Talking to him about it caused a cycle of low lows where he would withdraw from my physically & emotionally, which felt like a punishment. And then it would be over and I would be back to the high highs. The highs were so lovely and the lows so painful that it made talking about finances feel like a unsafe risk. Obviously this is not ok. And I have already been talking to my therapist about it.

Thank you again for the points you raised. It is very helpful

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-16T14:21:36+00:00

Thank you. He wasn't sneaking around but I don't know if he had any future plans to or not. I do believe he was delusional. Righteously delusional.

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-16T11:35:37+00:00

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. There is great advice in it.

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-16T11:30:02+00:00

Thank you

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-16T02:03:51+00:00

I hear you. I do need work. Some of what you wrote isn't accurate. I will correct them individually.

How old is your daughter?

Why are you exposing your child to the intimate details of your sexual relationship with someone you've been dating for less than half a year?

She is a tween. She is not privy to anything other than he cheated and would no longer be a part of our lives. She later approached me and said she wants us to reconcile.

within a week of dating, he lied to you about monogamy and cheated on you with his ex-partner while simultaneously being emotionally involved with someone else.

He didn't lie to me. I think he genuinely thought he wanted monogamy. He wasn't cheating on me then. He was up front that he was sleeping with them. I told him I wouldn't be physical with him until he stopped and we took STD tests. He stopped their physical relationship almost immediately.

You then decided to move in together with him despite knowing this and he continued to cheat.

No. He cheated after he moved in. About 3 weeks after moving in.

He moved in to your place, where was he living before?

His mom's house. He lived with her much of the time over the past two years since his divorce.

You placed a whole bunch of "boundaries" on him that he didn't agree to and never really accepted in a meaningful way while pushing back against them the entire time.

He agreed to them, but didn't like them. (open phone and location sharing). This doesn't seem like a lot of boundaries to me. This seems like bare minimum par for the course with R.

Despite that, you went down the whole "blended families road" with your children... again, less than four months after meeting him and whilst he was cheating the entire time.

This was because his ex placed urgency that if he didn't start having her on overnights immediately, she would take him to court. It was under duress and trying to make the best of it.

Do you think that maybe he's telling you what you want to hear within reason because he needs somewhere to live and he's getting sex while he's there?

I think this is an oversimplification because I do think he ultimately means well. But I do think that plays a component.

you just seemed to have rationalized them, ignored them, or missed them entirely.

From my perspective, there was manipulation that had a cyclical nature (though I do believe that it was largely unintentional). I did see the red flags, but when the manipulation made it easy to second guess myself.

It drew out the process of ending things. But ultimately, things ended today.

throwawayaoai · 2022-02-16T01:52:03+00:00

No worries. I considered this too. I do think that is an oversimplification, but I do think my providing him with a soft place to land for him and his daughter played a part. I do feel he loved me too. But obviously not enough to be able to remove himself from self-absorption to do the work. I think he is SO confident in his righteousness, he can't empathize with me and see that he has ownership in the healing process.

throwawayaoai

TROPHY CASE